He arrives, late and in a hurry, to the meeting at the Ateneo de Madrid, with his casual posh look – panama hat protecting his privileged skull, sunglasses, handkerchief sticking out of the pocket of his linen jacket – he excuses himself and, as he is also in a hurry, we get down to business without further ceremony. The business is to comment on his life and his latest work, Less protocol and more potatoes! a “little novel” that he has written and self-published in which he recreates, through the life of Tristán, a rich and lazy 38-year-old heir who lives with his marchioness mother, the ecosystem of high society of the nobility, the bourgeoisie and the economic elite of Madrid, with its flora, its fauna, its slang, its daily and vacation habitat, its mating rites and its relationships with its peers and odd ones. The fun of the little book, in addition to the language, consists in playing who’s who, trying to guess what real stories of the usual characters of the gossip press are hidden among its characters. The author of entertainment does not disappoint. Face to face, José Miguel Fernández Sastrón is a witty, quick and entertaining conversationalist who does not avoid the issue, although he does it with skill. The most interesting thing, of course, is what he keeps quiet about.
There, there: making friends with the book.
Not exactly, because many of the people I talk about are already friends of mine. And many have laughed with him because they saw themselves reflected in him. My humor is not hurtful, but biting.
It doesn’t draw blood, although I suppose it could.
No, because I’m not a vampire. And, yes, I could, but to draw blood there would have to be corpses, and I haven’t seen them around me. What I have seen are funny situations and practices that people do not imagine in those environments. Let’s say that I have acted as an infiltrator.
Well, you, grandson of the founder of Galerías Preciados, are also a good boy.
I could clearly fit that profile: I was born into a wealthy family that has moved in a more or less elitist social environment. But I’ve been a pretty bad kid, in a good way.
And so?
As a young man, due to my vocation for music and the friends I frequented, I also moved in more rogue environments, and that in the middle of the eighties, a time, let’s say, hectic.
Sex, drugs, Rock And Roll?
Well, there was everything. Heroin never piqued my curiosity. And about the rest, let’s say that I moved in environments where you may have tried something. She saved me that I have always asked myself before taking them if it was worth it and that I have never been conditioned to the point of getting hooked, much less putting my life in danger. And I have known very close cases.
You are a musician. Do drugs help to compose?
Well, in my case, I remember that with a joint you listened to music that you had not heard before and let’s say that your sensitivity and your imagination opened up more. But, come on, he was not a regular user.
The protagonist of his book, Tristán, considers boredom an art. And you?
Boredom is now neither tolerated nor allowed. If we get bored, they put something on the screen to entertain us. Boredom is the father of philosophy and great ideas. They don’t want us bored because, like that, we don’t think. We are little ants working and, when we stop, they show us a little movie or something. They fill us with data and we don’t have time to process it or distinguish the true ones from the false ones. Right now, the opium of the people is social networks.
It also parodies influencers posh people. Without pointing to Victoria Marichalar of BourbonHow much nonsense is there in that world?
All. They are telling you to go to a place that pays them to tell you to go, but the thing is that there are people who follow them and end up going. There is exhibitionism on everyone’s part. It’s about being in the cool club, be it social, musical, sports or fashion. They are references for people who consider that, if you look like them, you enter the elite club. The rich man wants to be richer; the athlete, the fastest; the handsome, the most handsome. Everyone wants to be more and better. Now, anyone who demonstrates talent when it comes to selling anything has my admiration.
Even if it’s smoke?
Smoke is the hardest thing in the world to sell. There are real smoke sellers and they do it very well. The fault is ours, but the talent is yours.
He married in 1990 with Simoneta Gomez-Acebo. She has rained.
I married Doña Pilar’s eldest daughter and was her first son-in-law. All my brothers-in-law were younger and we created a very good atmosphere. I loved my in-laws very much and maintained that affection until the end. But, yes, from my modest plot, I was the first brother-in-law to reach the second generation of the royal family. I saw all the new ones arrive.
Marichalar, Urdangarin, Letizia OrtizDid he give you any advice? Was there a kind of solidarity between you?
Well, the next ones to arrive did so in the front line. Being the husband of the niece is not the same as being the son-in-law or daughter-in-law of the King. So, I couldn’t teach them much because they were entering at a much more complicated stage than mine. Now, it was funny to me, because I observed their entrances, their postures, how one or the other handled themselves, knowing perfectly well where they would have to end up entering. So, experience is always a degree.
How did you experience the earthquake of the abdication of Juan Carlos I and the proclamation of Felipe VI?
That happened when I was quite out. I had already been divorced. We continue to meet on family dates, I have a lot of affection for them, and I think it is mutual. Personally, I think that’s very Spanish. We live in a country where one day you are up and another day you are down. There is a scene from the movie Where are you going, Alfonso XII? That always made me laugh. An excited crowd welcomes Alfonso XII when he returns to reign over Spain. There is a woman screaming, “Long live the King.” A friend tells her not to shout so much, and she answers: “We shout more when we throw out our mother.” That’s it. I had the opportunity to deal with King Juan Carlos I for 20 years and, if I have to make a balance of his person and his work, it is positive.
Does money want pedigree and pedigree, money?
Well, money buys what it wants, and pedigree doesn’t mean money anymore. Before it implied heritage, but, as the generations succeed one another, there is more to distribute. If the nobleman has six children and the estate is distributed, if it is not expanded, it will be diluted. There is no fortune that can resist that. But there are cases of all kinds. Tristan only has one sister and a guaranteed future. That’s why he gets bored: it’s very difficult to have stimuli in life if you have everything figured out, so you turn to other stimuli. But I also know many sharks, sons of nobles, who have studied at Harvard and work hard while being rich.
You are already old.
And two, even.
How have you seen the lawsuits in which noble women disputed the title with their male brothers?
Well, that’s because now you can. In any case, nobility is unconstitutional by definition. If we put it this way, why does the oldest inherit the title and not the youngest? That is not equal rights. There is a paradox that the most recent nobles, such as Vicente del Bosque, who was named marquis for winning the World Cup in South Africa, are considered by the older nobles as a “marquis from yesterday.” If we have to adapt the aristocracy to the Constitution, their story is over. I don’t think you even have to make the effort. What nobility should not have is any transcendence or influence on things of eating. Not providing any prerogative over the rest of the Spaniards, beyond being able to put the title on business cards, applaud each other and play at being the most elegant, which I think is wonderful.
In the book, names, diminutives and posh slang dominate, which is a pleasure.
These diminutives are, many times, to distinguish the mother from the daughter, or the son from the father. They are endogamous worlds, but, deep down, they all are. We tend to hang out with each other. Titles are inherited, but some inherit class and others do not.
Are you still composing music?
Yes, something. And I have composed many, but I am afraid that I will go down in history for two: the tune of the program Surprise, surprise and the announcement of I like footballdo you remember? [se las tarareo] See? It’s not that bad either.
Why are we so fascinated by the rich?
I think it’s a mix of aspiration, fetishism and the fact that, today, you can meet them on the street, take a photo with them and ask for an autograph. In the end, social classes, money aside, are still clubs. There is also routine and endogamy. And that means that, deep down, with all the money you want, we all look pretty much alike.
Seeing that the rich also cry is quite comforting.
Well, that explains that they are not gods. When you have a bad time, money may help you not have to worry about certain things, but illness, physical or mental, hurts just the same. Heartbreak, having the woman or man you love leave you, you’re going to have it just as bad, it’s the human condition.
You yourself survived cancer.
A lymphatic cancer, the same one that my father-in-law, Simoneta’s father, Luis Gómez-Acebo, had. My father-in-law couldn’t tell it. He arrived very sick at our wedding and had time to see the first ultrasound of our first child. He said, “This one looks like me.” He was a wonderful man. I was luckier: they detected it in time and here I am. My priorities changed quite a bit, I entered into a kind of Carpe Diem.
Hence your divorce?
Well, no. I had cancer at 42 and we remained happily married until we were 50. Let’s say it was a mix of things. He Carpe Diemthe midlife crisis and the life circumstances of both of us. Then, when I got divorced, the first club I went to, Snobissimo, which appears in the book, was the one I went to when I was young with my older cousins, and then I found all the divorced people my age playing almost the same music. It was like a time tunnel.
Did you have a second turkey age?
Yes, and I would say that it was exactly as stupid as the first one, in the sense that you act like a rooster again, and you go to get laid and all that, and you see the same people, it was surreal. That lasted about three years, and let’s say I got laid where I could.
That is, the pitopause exists.
Well, of course it exists, and when you overcome it you see it as a phase, and you realize that adolescence, none of them, is not the most lucid state of man. Not even the woman, I suppose.
PROTOCOL AND POTATOES
José Miguel Fernández Sastrón (Madrid, 65 years old) rose to popularity for his wedding, in 1990, with Simoneta Gómez Acebo, first-born of the Infanta Pilar de Borbón, sister of King Juan Carlos I. Sastrón, grandson of Pepín Fernéndez, founder of the Galerías Preciados department store, is a musician and composer, author of well-known program tunes and advertisements, such as Surprise, surprise and I like football, and was also president of the General Society of Authors. Now, he lives off the income from his compositions and from editing and directing DW Magazine. “I’m not a billionaire, but I have something going on,” says Sastrón, author of Less protocol and more potatoes, a little book that he has written and self-published as a “fun exercise” between two more ambitious novels that he says he has halfway done. In it, he gives a fun and acidic review, through a family history, of the habits and customs of the Spanish upper class, especially those from Madrid, whose codes he has mastered since he grew up.
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