Do you remember last week? Then I wrote about the suffering called remodeling. About unreliable contractors, pipes that have not been milled when the floor is already in place and load-bearing walls that have been removed by mistake.
A reader wrote that after reading it she no longer dares to continue with her renovation and would prefer to lie in bed in a fetal position. A second wondered ‘why there are breeding programs for pandas, but not for contractors’, and a third called me ‘optimist’.
So I thought it would be good this week to give tips on how to survive a horror renovation. Maybe it helps people just at the last minute of a total breakdown.
1
Watch a season before you start Help my husband is a handyman! from RTL.
For those who still have to laugh about that: you will soon be too.
2
A renovation cannot be planned.
To get an idea of time and costs, a reader suggested getting quotes from three contractors and adding them up – yes, everything takes three times as long and is three times as expensive.
3
There’s no point in calling in an ‘expert’.
Such as a construction planner or architect who can draw up a ‘watertight contract’ with ‘penalty clauses’. Trust me, it won’t help you.
Because what do you do if your construction planner gets into a fight with your contractor? Let alone finding a contractor who agrees to a ‘watertight’ contract. And what do you do if he doesn’t comply? A lawsuit? And who will finish your house?
It is much better to just accept that you are at the mercy of your contractor. All you can do is google and look at references beforehand. But even then, a renovation is like life itself – there is no guarantee of success.
4
Break everything down – it will break anyway.
Stoves covered in paint, toilet seats in two, “oh, shouldn’t those sinks come out?” – construction workers are rolling over everything. So don’t think you can renovate a part of your house with a tarp over the rest – haha, no dude.
Rather knock off the roof, demolish all the walls and go for the total renovation. Or even better: blow up your house completely before you start. After that it can only get better.
5
Never stay in your house during a renovation!
Rent temporary housing, please. I know that costs clawing money, but months in the dust, drilling, drilling and loud music really doesn’t keep anyone up.
6
Make sure you are on the construction site day and night.
Otherwise, contractors will solve ‘challenges’ themselves. And your washing machine pipe is suddenly “slightly to the right” so that your expensive built-in cupboard no longer fits, you no longer have a walk-in shower because a wall has been “forgotten”, or your living room has suddenly been painted with the paint from the nursery. Renovating means being alert 24 hours a day for two years.
7
So take a sabbatical of at least two years.
Anyone who thinks they can live a life next to a renovation, I have to disappoint. A friend e-mailed that there should be ‘renovation leave’ before maternity leave, and he’s right. Because compared to explaining your desired herringbone floor to a Romanian, changing a diaper at three in the morning is real peanuts.
8
Speaking of claws of money – win the State Lottery.
That is really the only way to cover all the costs of all the work that goes wrong the first and second time and has to be done again, all the ‘construction misses’ and all the heating costs for radiant heaters, construction dryers and the underfloor heating that has to blaze for weeks while the door is open – oops. Oh yes and ensure a constant supply of cola, coffee, candy, chips, apple pie, frikandellen, rice tables and beer. To keep the builders happy.
9
Never pay the costs of the entire renovation in one go.
But always in installments for each phase that is completed. This way, if your contractor suddenly disappears, you still have (part of) your money.
10
Get a divorce before the renovation.
Then you part as friends. It’s also better for the kids.
11
And invest in your neighbours!
Inform them in time, prepare them for the worst and bribe them. And I don’t mean with ‘a flower’ or ‘a voucher from the snack bar’ that readers suggested. No, I mean large sums of money and at least 150 roses every week. These are the people whose lives you’re going to make hell for the next two years.
12
Lower your expectations.
A renovation means making compromises until you weigh an ounce. So let go of your ‘dream house’. A hole in the floor is also a great toilet, as long as you have a roof over your head, if the gas pipe explodes, you start cooking electrically – that works. Any renovation where the roof does not leak is a successful renovation.
13
You always regret afterwards.
That you should have expanded further, that you should have made the kitchen at the front instead of in the middle, that you should have skipped that glass front with a black frame because it already looks dated – accept that in advance.
14
Do not do it!
Is your house really that horrible? You have lived there for years, so the next twenty years can also be added. See also points 1 to 13.
15
On the other hand, you’ll laugh about it later.
And nothing is as wonderful as sharing your horror stories. It’s like holidays: what will you still be talking about in thirty years’ time? Not about your smooth trips to Italy, but about the cockroaches in Jordan, the diarrhea in India and that hotel in Syria where Russians traded weapons in the hallway at night. yes right? Well then. We’re still alive, we’re still laughing and we still have each other, hang in there.
It’s just a renovation!
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