They ask me to write about why in book clubs, in listening clubs of podcasts, there are no men at book launches or creative retreats. “Well, that is nuanced.” Yes, I’m going to be specific: in a listening club that I recently organized, in three sessions in which we have gathered between 30 and 50 people each time only one man has attended. I talk to writer friends and ask them about the book clubs they participate in about their books: “There are only women,” they answer me in the second. I talk to another friend who recently organized a creative retreat: women only. I ask another friend who has organized a master’s degree to learn how to create content: women only.
Well, this is not science, but there is a pattern, in addition to my years of experience participating in these types of events and counting the presence of men on one hand. Why is this happening? What’s happening?
There is a very famous quote by Margaret Atwood that says: “Men are afraid that women will laugh at them and we are afraid that they will kill us.” Considering that the second part of this sentence is as true as a temple, perhaps the first part is also true and the absence of men in reading or listening clubs, creative retreats or in any other type of forum in which it is It is necessary to share what one has thought, felt or reflected on, to show a personal part, whether it is due to their fear of ridicule, their fear that women, us, will laugh at them or question their positions.
I’ve been thinking about it for weeks and asking almost every man I meet in my daily life. everyone listens podcasts, almost all of them read, are curious, are cultured, interesting, with conversation. I probe them, I ask them. Have you gone to a book club? Would you go to a listening club? podcasts? The answer is always the same. “No”. The conclusion we have reached has been quite disheartening for me and for them. “I would like to give you another answer.” “It’s sad, yes… but if I told you anything else I would lie to you.” Which is the reason?
Well, they’re not interested. Thus, in raw form: “I’m not interested.” Without hesitation, without further development. When I pressed them a little, the answer was “I don’t care what others think” and, with more pressure on my part (would you go to a club to review records?), I asked a very music-loving friend. “Neither. I’m not interested”.
At a meal with good wine we deduced that a man, when he finishes a book or a podcast, you consider finished what that reading or listening can offer you. He has formed an opinion, good or bad, and does not feel the need to share it, contrast it or delve into it in the company of others. Furthermore, he is not interested in the opinion that others may have about that work. They do not consider that by sharing their experience they can learn, expand their vision, understand aspects that others have seen and that they have not perceived.
It’s that simple, they don’t even think about it. They are not interested in the concept, it is so foreign to them that they do not even want to try it. It’s as if you were asking them something absolutely crazy. If at any time they want to discuss anything, they prefer to do it with friends, with close, trusted people, which brings me back to Margaret Atwood’s phrase. Are you scared of strangers?
This is already sad enough but there is still more. They don’t want to share their opinion with anyone else, with a group, unless the work is theirs. There are many authors who go to reading clubs for their own books or hosts of podcasts who have encounters with their listeners. There they go, first for promotion and second because they are not in an equal position with the rest of the group. What they have to say about their work is one step (or half a dozen or a hundred, depending on the author) above what others have to say. Sharing those moments, listening to others’ opinions about their work is a toll that being an author with some success requires. If you are already very very successful you can skip this.
There is one more twist and that is that, although men do not feel the need to share their opinions within a group, they are the majority imposing them from the columns, specialized critics, etc. Until very recently, almost all of the literary, musical, and film critics in this country were men. Now we women are carving out a small space for ourselves, we are putting our foot in the door so that it is not closed to us and we sneak into the small and select group of people whose opinion on a book or a cultural product is considered worthy of appreciation. Even so, we continue to be a minority as authoritative voices while as readers we are an overwhelming majority.
In addition to all this, which is already quite sad, there is a very clear sexist component towards this type of encounter. Since we are only women, it is assumed that whatever we are going to comment on is “of women” or “for women.” Some men have confessed to me that they are convinced that in book clubs they only discuss bestsellers inconsequential (“Planeta awards”, they told me). When I told them that this is not true, that there are all types and with any type of literature or that music clubs podcasts They are about narrative content of history, politics, etc. They looked at me in disbelief, with a look of “yes, but… I’m still not interested.”
No one said “that’s for women,” but they thought about it. They didn’t want to think about it but they thought about it without telling me, without saying it out loud because they are all aware that this is a sexist bias that, although they are not going to try to overcome, they do not want to recognize either.
Statistics say that we read more, they say that in listening to podcasts We are on par but it seems evident that we read and listen better. Culture for us is not something solitary and individual. It may be at times but, at other times, we want to share our enthusiasm for what we have read or the reasons why we were disappointed, angry or excited. We need to know what others think about something that has disturbed us, outraged us, or fallen in love with us. A book, for us, does not end when you reach the last line, and a podcast It doesn’t end when you hear the credits of the last episode. Sometimes, we are left thinking, ruminating, knowing that what we have heard or read has changed us for whatever reason and we need to share it because we know that, in some way, it will enrich us. And we want it to enrich others. I am not going to guarantee now that in any of these meetings you will always come away having learned something, but we are not afraid to share our opinions and we want to hear those of others. Following this train of thought, it is likely that the absence of men gives us the freedom and security to share all that without feeling judged, belittled or ignored.
This is all sad and I wish it were different. I would love to go to a reading or listening club and have men willing to share their opinions honestly and without fear, who would be willing to listen to the feelings of others without value judgments and with an open mind to say “ Well, it’s true, I hadn’t thought of this and that’s how it is.” Don’t let them think that they are wasting their time or that we are going to laugh at them.
I would love for them to be interested, for them to feel that curiosity.
It would be better for everyone but I’m afraid it won’t be.
#men #book #clubs