We tend to think that in patriarchal society men have had it easier in their sexual aspect. He enjoyed freedom without moral judgments, he couldn’t get pregnant (now he can) and he didn’t have any reputation to maintain, other than being a “brave dick” in front of his friends, at the bar counter. However, these licenses had his compensation, since he was the provider of female pleasure (“there are no frigid women, but inexperienced men”); the penetrator, always ready and always ready, without the right to express his feelings. Something like a sex machine, when erotic toys had not yet conquered the market.
In this truce in the struggle of the sexes that we experienced until very recently, since now men and women return to the fray due to the work and grace of ideologies, many women learned that their pleasure did not come from any prince charming, but was their own responsibility. Men also began to glimpse what was called “new masculinities,” which some interpreted as a more comfortable and natural way of being men; while others, less inspired, translated it into a relentless war on testosterone. Interesting hormone if ever there is one, by the way, since it is responsible for many functions in men and women and is related to muscles, bones, sleep, self-efficacy, mood or desire.
If youth has lengthened for everyone, in years of female empowerment, women are the ones who have benefited the most from this change. Instagram accounts that follow the process of leaving the dye and letting the gray hair fly, septuagenarians who train as if they were going to the Olympics, or grannies who take us into the secrets of sacred sex. Many may think that mature men do not need a pat on the back, since they already had gray hair a long time ago. However, they are wrong, and most of them feel vulnerable and insecure in the erotic field. Not only because biology is beginning to fail, but for other reasons.
“If you look closely, there are many advertisements for products for mature women (lubricants, incontinence pads, dietary supplements), but there are very few for men. Neither society nor the market takes much care of them, and they reach this age with a lot of ignorance,” says Raúl González Castellanos, sexologist, psychopedagogue and couples therapist at the therapeutic support office A la Par, in Madrid. “Sexually, a man is valid as long as he can penetrate. Then, if he is still interested in sex, there is the nickname ‘dirty old man’. When erection problems begin, therefore, most men go through three phases: they take a while to admit it to their partner (or they avoid sexual relations), they turn to the Internet and even buy miracle products and, finally, they go to the urologist or to the sexologist. Consulting with friends, as they do with their problems, is not a valid option for the man educated in traditional gender roles.”
The end of youth is very clear in women, whose menstruation stops, but not so much in men. “The meters of andropause are very poorly defined and are progressive,” says Antoni Bolinches, graduate in Philosophy, Psychology, sexologist and professor of the master’s degree in Clinical Sexology and Sexual Health at the Faculty of Medicine of the University of Barcelona. “The entry into masculine maturity is more blurred and social pressure makes men reluctant to admit that they are no longer what they were. Especially if they have not matured as human beings and do not recognize their limitations. Then they lose their sexual security and some look for younger partners, who do not demand as much, because they have less experience, and are a greater stimulus than someone of the same age,” explains the author of several books on sexuality.
Having to face the physical and psychological changes typical of maturity, without much information, at a time when society demands sensitive men, at the same time as the contestants of First Dates they ask loudly, it must be a bit confusing. “Generally, men become very insecure in middle age; because, despite everything, it follows the paradigm that male sexuality is based on the erection and there is an atavistic fear of losing it. It is the sword of Damocles that hangs over his head from a certain age onwards,” says Francisca Molero, gynecologist, sexologist, director of the Ibero-American Institute of Sexology and president of the Spanish Federation of Sexology Societies. “In addition, although we now talk about avoiding coitocentrism, erectile dysfunction is not always accepted with patience and understanding by the couple. Or he may react by saying ‘it doesn’t matter’, which does not convince the man either, because for him it is an important issue, which worries him.” Nor is man informed that erection problems that persist over time are always sentinel symptoms of an organic problem, generally cardiovascular. Or that medications for hypertension, for example, can cause this type of disorder. “Women are more interested in health issues, they are not so much and they reach this age without knowing much and asking for practical solutions that will restore their lost vigor. The emotional, psychological part is almost never considered; but in the consultations they tell you that they feel misunderstood, confused, that they have to swallow their feelings. Or that, suddenly, the partner with whom they have shared many years, says ‘you just don’t know how to play,'” says this sexologist.
“When the woman asks ‘And what about me?’, the man asks ‘And how about me?’” Bolinches emphasizes. “Today’s masculinity is insecure and childish. The man is disoriented because he must be many things at the same time; and some of those things correspond to his old role (power, vigor, sexual availability) and others to his new profile, which is not yet very defined and which, furthermore, has not been designed by him, but by the society. So the man doesn’t know very well what to do, or how to behave in front of women.”
In this land of no one and everyone, the solution to saving male sexuality beyond, say, 50 years lies, according to Raúl González, in “trying to restore their trust. I try to expand the field of eroticism for them, so that they do not focus only on penetration. Over time, the erection loses the rigidity of 20 years and that must be accepted, but the erotic encounter between two people is much more than intercourse and new paths and new stimuli must be sought. And above all, you should not go to the first sexual date with the anticipatory anxiety that it is not going to work, because psychology is the main culprit of many triggers.
“Just as there are post-sexual couples (who no longer have sex, but who get along well), there are also post-coital couples (who do not have intercourse, but who continue to have sexual relations),” Bolinches emphasizes. “This is a more affectionate, emotional sex, with more intimacy; which does not mean that it is of worse quality. Each age has its virtues and defects and you can be happy at each stage of life, if you accept the circumstances. He is like a 60-year-old skier, who knows that he cannot do what he did in his youth, but who continues to go skiing, even if he spends fewer hours or chooses less complicated slopes.
The insecure masculinity of mature men, who have neither the genes nor the bank account of Brad Pitt, is not only a product of their physical deterioration and social changes, but also, as Francisca Molero points out, “the dynamics of partner changes; because society, in recent years, has empowered women to live their maturity in a less dramatic and more assertive way; but it has not done the same with men and I think this is something that should be done. My advice to them is to seek information, to talk to trusted people and professionals about physical changes and emotions. Don’t throw in the towel because there are solutions. We must talk about this topic, because social awareness is very important. It has been, for example, for the issue of breast cancer.”
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