Maaret Kallio’s column | Do not tell the child not to grieve

When we talk about childhood, we describe without noticing play, joy and lightness. Endless summer vacations, riotous winter snow wars and twisting secrets.

But if we dare to remember our childhood in any more detail, we remember a lot more.

Fears, sorrows and angers. Some have very small, spiders and crooked shadows, but many have very big sorrows. Tears, heavy silence and grief carried alone.

An adult knows that life includes great sorrows. Long life experience brings knowledge and trust that even very difficult phases usually pass and even the worst feelings calm down.

For children and young people, the world opens up in different ways. Life is in this moment, and there can be no understanding far ahead or behind yet.

When a great sadness is encountered in the family, the child and young person may face it for the first time in their entire life. That is why it is crucial how adults react to the grief of children and young people.

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Grief cannot be completed, and it does not obey deadlines.

Sadness is a healthy reaction to a perceived loss. Children and young people mourn the death of a family member or other important loved one, and their grief is just as real as that of adults.

Grief cannot be completed, and it does not obey deadlines. It is adapting to the perceived loss and continuing life marked by the loss.

That’s why we have to make room for grief, so that the experienced loss can live in us and leave its mark. A world without sadness is not an ideal state, because it would also mean a world without feelings and without love.

A child grief is often hidden and forgotten by adults, even professionals. It doesn’t always manifest itself as direct sadness, but as persistent cheerfulness, super-kindness or peevish anger.

A young person may withdraw into their own world and be careful about who they reveal their sadness to. Children and young people often also protect the adults around them and therefore keep their grief to themselves.

But at the beginning of their life, they are bewildered by grief and need special support and security in the face of loss. Even if the feelings don’t bubble to the surface, they really live under the surface.

Grief is not evil, it respects life.

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Never tell not to grieve, but show how to grieve together and safely.

There is dangerthat a child’s grief is forgotten if adults do not particularly respect it. You can be sad with your child and show that it is safe to be together even in sadness. It is important to be able to talk about a lost loved one.

Too often those close to them remain silent or change the subject as if to protect the child. But you don’t have to protect yourself from sadness, but make room for it to be a part of life. You can ask about the loss, in addition to joy, you can also remember and cry together.

Never tell not to grieve, but show how to grieve together and safely.

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A child’s grief is just as real and powerful as an adult’s.

A big one children who have experienced loss hope for opportunities to reminisce and remember together. Many of them fear that they will forget as they grow.

Funerals, memorial days and shared memories are also important for the child. Everyone grieves in their own way, where the adult’s warm interest creates space to find their own ways and comfort.

An adult can support a child in grief and show that he also receives support from others. A tighter network of loved ones brings security in a family colored by loss.

Giving space to grief is respecting what has been experienced. A child’s grief is just as real and powerful as an adult’s and deserves its precious place. Even if we play and laugh sometimes, it doesn’t mean that the sadness has already passed.

They will continue to run side by side: sadness, joy and, above all, life.

Experts from Käpy Lapsukuolemaperheet ry have been challenged for the column.