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At first Petra Berghaus doubts whether she can sing at her mother's funeral – then she manages to do it. Today she sings primarily for those who are grieving.
Essen – Petra Berghaus stands in front of her parents' grave and sings. It's a gray April day in Essen-Kettwig in the small, almost deserted cemetery on Brederbachstrasse. Frosty. Windy. Rainy. But on this Monday afternoon, delicate piano tones and a gentle voice with touching words break through the coldness that cemeteries often have: “I would like to tell you something, but my head is numb and empty.”
The first words of the self-written song “Light” to a gentle melody come easily to the 56-year-old’s lips. Her eyes are closed, the wind is blowing gently through her short, blonde hair. The music hits the heart – just like the story of Petra, the mourning singer.
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“My father died almost three years after my mother,” she says. Her gaze wanders over the grave. Green plants on brown earth, a gray gravestone with two dates of death, next to a vase with wilted tulips. The mother often cared for the father to the point of exhaustion. “He was suffering progressive dementia and was also very aware of the illness.”
Almost four and a half years ago, in December 2019, the mother died very suddenly and unexpectedly. “It happened so quickly and was intangible,” she remembers as she replaces the wilted tulips with fresh, pink ones. The serious diagnosis was cancer. No chance of healing. There were five weeks left. At that time, the mother in the hospice asked her daughter a very special question: “Petra, can you sing at my funeral?” She wanted the song “The Last Suitcase” by Purpel Schulz.
“I promised my mom that I would sing it,” remembers Petra, who grew up musically from a young age. She practiced and practiced the song. “But I always had to cry,” she says in a quiet voice. “And I really asked myself at the time: How is this supposed to work? Mom, what did you do to me?”
A plan B should ultimately help. If necessary, she simply wanted to play a recording of herself on speakers. But in the church, not far from the grave in front of which she now stands, “it was as if she was just with me and then I made it,” she says, a fleeting smile crossing her face.
Panic attacks and insomnia – “I didn’t know how to cope with grief”
However, the grief into which she subsequently falls blows Petra away. She suffers from panic attacks and insomnia for weeks. “I didn’t know anything about dealing with grief. I think everyone else was comforted. But it wasn't me. I had a real lump of sadness inside me.”
The last wish that she fulfills for her mother causes a 180-degree turn in Petra's life. Inspired by her mother's funeral, she decides to work as a funeral singer in the future – turning her back on the wedding singing that she originally did. She also creates a small cuddly toy that is supposed to cheer up those who are grieving – the “comfort tiger”. “He’s sitting in the car right now,” she says, but the pride in what she has created for other relatives is clearly audible.
Finally, she also manages to come to terms with her own loss. “I was even on 'The Voice of Germany'.” With an interpretation of the song “Mut” by Alexa Feser in combination with her personal story on the topic of grief, she attracts a lot of attention and her new work as a “professional Comforter.” “Then it took on a life of its own,” she says.
180 degree turn after her mother's death – Petra Berghaus is a mourning singer
Today Petra is training to be a family bereavement counselor and is widely booked as a funeral singer. She takes care of song requests from relatives at funerals all over Germany. “People often wish for 'Ave Maria,'” she says. With songs like this she fills cemeteries like the one on Brederbachstrasse in Essen-Kettwig with hope. But the song she wrote herself that she sings at her parents' grave on Monday afternoons is also often on her wish list.
“I give you light so that you can shine again in the dark,” are the words of the song. A smile appears on her face. “Come on, let’s look at the sky,” she continues to sing and her gaze slowly goes upwards. Like she was looking up at her parents. Gray clouds pass quickly. It seems dark and gloomy, but Petra's facial expression is one of hope and balance.
Petra Berghaus gives hope to other mourners with her voice and music
Anyone who sees her standing there and hears her singing – so powerful, yet so calm at the same time – can feel how the singer knows how to infuse a touch of optimism into an incredibly sad moment.
Singing at funerals “is always a comfort for me. “Every time there’s a bit of my mother there too,” says Petra after the last notes have faded away very quietly. She looks at the grave in front of her again with a tender look. “Being able to comfort people is the most wonderful thing I can imagine. You get so much love back.” (mbr)
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