The vast majority of the recipes that they propose to us to be more creative in bed, to give free rein to the imagination between the sheets, to spice up life as a couple, to fight against the passage of time and boredom or for a union Good avenue, don’t start leaking due to sexual boredom, they are external. Accessories, complements, sex toys, nights in hotels, weekends, candlelight dinners, second honeymoons, sexy lingerie and other consumer objects. As if creativity and imagination were for sale on the market, for so much per kilo. Once again, these remedies, which can be very appealing and useful at a certain time, are nothing more than patches, sleeping pills that attack the symptom but not the cause.
There is little point in being in one of the most paradisiacal environments in the world if the company is not up to par. We can count on the best sex toy, state-of-the-art and with artificial intelligence, that if you do not put yourself in erotic mode with your mind, you will not experience the expected pleasure. We can spend a considerable amount on underwear not suitable for the faint of heart, but if we do not know how to take advantage of it, we will have wasted the money. What needs to be done, then, to stimulate creativity and imagination in the sexual field?
“Creativity is not something you do, but a quality of being,” says Munindra, a tantra yoga teacher in Spain. That is, when we are born we already have it incorporated. What, then, causes us to lose this innate ability? the expert asks. “Basically two things: the mask and expectations. “We all create a mask to navigate the world and we also have expectations regarding what happens outside, but this limitation prevents us from allowing ourselves to be surprised by life, as children do when they are small and observe everything with great interest and without judgment,” is answered. “Now, removing the mask and expectations is not easy and can take a lifetime,” Munindra continues. “What is easier is to realize that they exist, that they are part of us, that they have a function, but we should not identify with them. And this is done through observation, meditation and contemplation,” says the teacher.
Against sexual consumerism, eroticism
Trying to faithfully reproduce an erotic encounter is impossible. Not even with the same person and under the same circumstances can we experience the same sensations, stimuli, responses, degree of pleasure, sensuality and eroticism again, since each sexual relationship is unique and unrepeatable, even despite our regret. Can there be, in this context, a place for boredom?
For Munindra, boredom is something very interesting, a privilege of human beings that animals do not have. “It is an intermediate state between the animal and the conscious person, and it is telling us that we are in a project, that there is something to work on. From the point of view of sexuality, which has also fallen into consumerism (you have to do many and very varied things, and spend on accessories and complements), I would propose taking a trip to the small, what in sexology is called focusing sensory. Enjoy feeling the little things: touch, the sensation of lips on one part of the body or feeling the breath of another. When the senses are stunned by excessive noise, we must return to calm. When the food industry bombards us with new and exotic flavors, we should recover the pleasure of tasting a simple apple. The route is to re-tune the senses and, in sex, to once again give space and time to eroticism, that great forgotten thing.”
The great power of fantasies
In the book by Carol G. Wells Sexual creativity (1994) sexual fantasies are related to the right hemisphere of the brain, which is responsible for creativity, visual perception, intuition and emotions. “In new relationships, at the height of romance, our sexual desire is difficult to contain,” the work says. “We seem absorbed by the other person and can’t wait to see them again, even though we have just left them. This is when the right brain predominates. We feel challenged and the challenge induces great activity in this part of the brain, such as overwhelming passion and excitement. As this stimulus fades, predictability increases and boredom sets in, we tend to use the left brain more, which is that of language, logic and reasoning,” she adds.
“Fantasies are an excellent way to leave the sexless world of the left brain behind,” says Wells in his book. “With practice, erotic fantasies can immediately take us away from routine activities and place us in exotic, exciting places. Combining fantasy with masturbation sharpens the senses in a way that makes us better able to concentrate and, therefore, become aroused more easily. Since, in this case, fantasy focuses on eroticism, it allows reaching orgasm more quickly,” he explains.
Anyone who has been on a date with themselves knows the important role of fantasies in their enjoyment; That is why Gloria Arancibia Clavel, psychologist and sexologist with a consultation in Madrid, He always proposes this exercise to his bored patients, in need of stimulating their imagination. “It is a good, beautiful and cheap erotic resource, but we do not develop the erotic imagination as we should, although we have it in spurts. What’s more, many people say they don’t have fantasies. When I suggest that my patients write an erotic story, they make up a thousand excuses (they are not good at writing, they have no imagination, they are incapable…) but then, when they get down to the task, they themselves surprise themselves with their inventiveness.” .
Everyone knows that the most powerful sexual organ is the brain and, although most use it in masturbation, few dare to fantasize as a couple. “Many see it as infidelity,” Arancibia points out, “I always answer that we have to take ownership of our own pleasure and, if I’m with my partner, I don’t need to be thinking about her all the time. It is as if two people watch an erotic movie, get excited and then have sex. The excitement was produced by the film and, without a doubt, in a different way in each one. Do you feel guilty about that? Surely not, because the same thing happens with fantasies. Additionally, fantasizing about erotic images is good sexual training. It is the best gym to develop sexual creativity.”
Rather than trying to do new things all the time, we should practice approaching sexual relationships from different perspectives, with a beginner’s mind and without preconceived ideas. Which, without a doubt, is cheaper, although it requires greater involvement. “There are couples who have been together for many years and, basically, the choreography of their sexual relationship does not vary much. They behave the same way; However, they have a great time, which shows that creativity has to do with an attitude, more than anything else,” says Arancibia.
Sex, the game of adulthood
Sex is the game of adulthood and, as Carol G. Wells says in her book, some characteristics of the game are: “A spontaneity from which arises a loss of self-awareness, an activity of free choice, without obligations.” ; a non-competitive attitude, in which everyone wins and no one loses.” The writer also defines it as a state of physical activity with which the body is stimulated. “The game is an absorbed state, which monopolizes us and submerges us. Humor and laughter, not seriousness, are the hallmarks of true play. Without forgetting relaxation and the feeling of security, a fundamental requirement to be able to play,” she warns.
A game that Arancibia proposes in his consultation is “to be voyeur of the other”, see the couple from a distance, as if they were someone unknown, or analyze them thoroughly. As the Belgian psychotherapist Ester Perel said, in her TED talk on The secret of desire in a long-term relationship, when he asked thousands of people around the world when they were most attracted to their partners he received answers like these: “When I see him in the studio, when he is on his own, in his element, when he is doing something he is passionate about. When he/she is at a party and other people are attracted to him/her. Basically, when she is radiant and feels good about herself.” What is common to all these reflections, as Perel points out in her talk, is that there is a certain distance. “Desire seeks the other, someone on the other side whom we can visit. Desire needs a bridge that must be crossed. In other words, if fire needs air, desire needs space (…). Desire is when I see my partner from a comfortable distance. When that person who is already familiar to me becomes, for a moment, mysterious again. In that space between me and the other resides the erotic pulse,” he describes. As Proust said: “The mystery is not traveling to new places, but seeing them with new eyes.”
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