Educating means for parents to face their children’s tantrums, endure shouting, deal with them breaking the rules or established limits. Are you prepared or can all this overwhelm you? Diana Crego Cordón, Perinatal psychologist at Mi Tribu Perinatal Psychology, maintains that, sometimes, adults demand too much from their children and that when they do not do what is asked of them, they think it is because “they don’t feel like it.” “A lot is asked of children, despite how small and immature they are, and depending on how their parents react, they may come to feel that they are bad,” she says.
According to this professional, parents often ask minors for things that they cannot offer due to their age, whether it be sleeping all night, knowing how to manage their tantrums or abiding by certain rules, among other things. “All this has to do with their maturation process, it requires time and a lot of learning on the part of adults. Therefore, to change this discomfort felt by both parties, the first step would be to review the expectations we have for our children,” she says.
Crego points out that it would be key to ask them for things in a different way, to change the imposition for something more realistic. “Children’s brains need to hear something many times until they can finally integrate it. Knowing this, if we see that our son does not pay attention, we can understand that it is not because he does not want to, but because he cannot. According to the psychologist, when parents and children understand what they can expect from each other, frustration, anger and stress give rise to greater calm and enjoyment in parenting.
The psychologist and sexologist Alberto Alamo He points out that parents often use the expression “misbehaving” in everyday life as a judgment, to evaluate a series of behaviors, but for him it is tremendously poor from an operational point of view. Álamo points out that in the Psychology degree they talked about describing behaviors in a “molar” or “molecular” way, and explains that a molar description of behavior has to do with a general description of it. An example: in the case of driving, molarly it means driving and molecularly it means opening the car, getting in, adjusting the seat, the mirrors, fastening the seat belt, starting the engine, looking to see if someone is coming… For this expert, when setting the rules it is usually It is necessary to define the behaviors that must be given, the correct ones. The psychologist clarifies that it is necessary to change “misbehave” or “behave well” with: “finish studying a topic”, “pick up the toys and leave them in the trunk”, “pick up the plate when you finish eating and leave it in the worktop”. “Thanks to that, we can indicate what is being done well and reinforce it and what needs to continue working to improve. The child will better understand what is expected of him,” he maintains.
The expert recalls that the threat or shouting with the intention of getting them to obey usually causes a very negative impact on children, even if the immediate objective of getting them to do what is asked of them is achieved: “Children at certain ages learn and pay attention to mainly in its references. If children learn to yell and threaten, in the long term, it will end up meaning that this is the appropriate way to achieve something, and it is not emotionally healthy at all.”
Reasons for bad behavior
Diana Jimenez, reference author in positive discipline, wrote the story Mom, why am I misbehaving? (Penguin Kids, 2023) with the aim of helping parents understand what children can understand and what they cannot. In short, its pages show brain functioning in a simple way so that families understand why their children do what they do. The story, aimed at adults and children, is a fundamental way for the little ones to learn to identify what they feel and the reasons. “We often forget that children’s brains are developing. The problem with not remembering is that, sometimes, we ask them for things for which they are not sufficiently trained,” the author emphasizes. Likewise, it indicates that the executive functions that regulate planning, focusing on solutions, evaluation, decision making, etc., are still being perfected: “For this correct functioning it is also necessary to have at least one reference figure that models those skills,” he explains.
The psychologist shares that when a parent wants to find out why their child “misbehaves” they should review, among others, some of these points:
- The evolutionary stage in which the minor is. This refers to the four stages of development that a child goes through from birth to adolescence (ages are approximate): sensorimotor, from birth to 2 years; preoperational, from 2 to 7 years; concrete operational, from 7 to 11 years old; and formal operational, from 12 onwards. “Parents only have to look at the child’s age, otherwise they will be asking for more than they can address by age. Let us remember that minors are learning to live and function in a purely adult world and are not yet prepared,” explains Jiménez.
- The brain functioning of the child. The brain is a living, changing, adaptable, non-static organ, it develops and goes through sensitive periods for some learning, and to do so, it requires an environment that encourages this healthy development. “Functions develop with age,” the expert continues, “and purely human functions are the last to develop, such as solution focus, planning, evaluation of decision-making or procrastination.” “Today, thanks to neuroscience, we know that until approximately the age of 25 we cannot speak of these functions being fully established and developing with life experience thanks to adults who model them,” she adds.
- Parents’ educational style. Four types of parenting can be differentiated: permissive (the child can do what he wants, he rules); the authoritarian (the child obeys or at least must do so under the orders of a commanding adult); negligent (absence of an adult who exercises the maternal or paternal role); and democratic (the child can do what he wants within limits and an organized structure that takes into account compliance with three criteria: respect for the child, for the adult and for the situation).
- The personality of the parents. “We are not the same people depending on who we relate to,” maintains the expert, “we are not the same as a couple, employees, parents… we are not even the same as mother/father of the first child as of the second.” For Jiménez, relationships are subjective and this greatly affects parenting: “There are parents who cannot connect with their children and their education becomes a challenge and for others, it does not look the same.”
“Misconduct is associated with a search for belonging, a basic need of the individual, and contribution. We all need to feel that we are taken into account and that we have something to contribute,” adds Jiménez.
For her part, for the psychologist Teresa Vaquero Romero When faced with inappropriate behavior by the child, the father, mother or caregiver can generate good experiences contrary to scolding, humiliation or ignoring. “These are what help to modify that inconvenient behavior and replace it with a more correct one. In this way, it helps the child to be sincere, ask for forgiveness and make amends with authenticity,” she points out. Furthermore, he defends that it is necessary for there to be a secure bond between parents and child, thanks to which the internalization of a voice that calms, consoles and guides the child in the future is favored and not one that criticizes and demands of itself. Likewise, he highlights the idea of promoting opportunities and experiences of achievement, appreciation and recognition and not because something has gone well, such as asking for his opinion, doing small tasks…: “This favors his security, self-confidence, experience of self-efficacy and positive self-judgment. Finally, for Vaquero, it is beneficial to provide the child with situations in which he feels worthy of love and deserving of rights.
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