Television series, which outline the world that awaits us, have been telling us about non-monogamy for some time now: Wanderlust, You, me and her, Trigonometry or the Mexican Moorings, For example. The “until death do us part” is already prehistory and now the better half is divided into quarters and even into segments that complete that space previously reserved for a single person. Open couples, polyamory, polyfidelity, swingers or relational anarchy are terms to designate something as old as the history of humanity, but that was previously the exclusive preserve of some elements of the upper classes. Those who lived outside the social rules, the adventurers of all kinds, those who went through life to make the most of it, without fear of the moment when the bill would arrive.
Open marriages became popular, for the bourgeoisie, in the transgressive seventies, as captured in the film The ice storm (1997), which recounts the arrival of sexual liberation to residential neighborhoods and how wealthy and typical North American families were encouraged to exchange partners by participating in the game of keys. The men left their keychains in a large container, the women took them at random and had to sleep with their owners. As expected, things ended badly in the movie. In part, because the probability of failure, in any experiment, increases as you go down the social ladder.
What chance of survival will non-monogamy have now that it has been democratized and no longer depends on income or social classes? “The higher your standard of living, the easier it will be for you to escape social norms, because economic security is a great buffer against morality or prejudice,” says sexologist Miguel Vagalume, a member of the group. Golfxs with Principles, a platform that promotes a positive view of unconventional sex. “A poor single mother who has relationships with different men, for example, may run the risk of having custody of her child removed,” says Vagalume.
However, and although the economic capacity of Spaniards decreases over the years, 41.4% believe that “the members of a couple can agree to have sexual relations with other people, outside the relationship, without there being a sentimental bond with them.” ”, as revealed by the results of the third wave of the survey by the Center for Sociological Research (CIS) on Post-pandemic Social and Affective Relations (III). Furthermore, “47.6% strongly agree or agree that a person can have two or more emotional-sexual relationships at the same time.” Even so, we must not forget that accepting something does not mean that one is going to put it into practice.
Open couples are in their popularization phase, but the youngest are not the most likely to adopt this model. According to Arola Poch, psychologist and sexologist from the liberal social network Wyylde, “those who opt for non-monogamy at 20 and even 30 years of age are more likely to lean toward polyamory,” since they see it as a more rebellious option against the typical couple model, with the established norm of fidelity. “I believe that for the open relationship model, of not sexual exclusivity but emotional exclusivity, that is, that of two people who decide to open themselves to other experiences without breaking their bond, a little more journey and maturity is needed. And for it to be successful, and not be a failed experiment, you have to know how to communicate, have empathy, good emotional management and trust in others,” she considers.
“Within the group of young people, those who show the most interest in non-monogamous relationships are members of the LGTBI community and people related to the arts, according to several surveys,” says Vagalume. And he adds: “The most common thing for the majority of the population is that up to the age of 25, more or less, they are browsing and trying things out and, from then on, [25-30 años], the first attempts to create a couple or close the relationship begin.” Then there is a moment in heterosexual couples, according to the expert, when the relationship can be transitioned and modified. “What I see most in consultations are unions of people in their forties, with grown children and financial resources, who are considering opening the couple. And the curious thing is that, in many cases, it is she who proposes this option and not him, as is commonly believed. These are women who have had children, have been very busy raising them and when they begin to have some respite they recover their bodies. Probably, sexual relations with their partner are becoming less frequent or non-existent, but they want to return to the playing field and feel desired without giving up that relationship or the commitment they have to caring for their children,” says this sexologist. Furthermore, according to Vagalume, “in general, women manage emotions better, they are more familiar with the world of feelings and it is easier for them to deal with romantic relationships with more than one person.”
Navigate without maps or compass
Even for activists of non-monogamy, open couples often become a difficult challenge because, as Delfina Mieville, a sociologist, sexologist and expert in gender and human rights, with a consultation in Madrid, says, “we have to reach agreements and fulfill them, and it is not always easy.”
We want more freedom and, at the same time, not lose ties because, in times of crisis, the couple is the lifeline to cling to, especially if the family has become unstructured over the years. “The couple continues to be a very important identity factor,” continues Mievielle, “but their function is no longer so clear. Until the 18th century, a large part of the population understood that the objective of marriage was the maintenance of children and the achievement of a certain economic growth, with rights and duties between spouses. And romantic or carnal love did not have to be related. I am not saying that this was good or bad, but that for a large part of humanity it was like this, and people crossed their fingers that the man or woman who touched them would not be very unpleasant. Now we have gone to the opposite extreme and we want the partner to satisfy all our vital needs; when, perhaps, it would be enough for it to be someone who supports us, listens to us and makes us feel wanted.”
What most people are looking for these days is, in the words of Vagalume, “an association that is as painless as possible, to avoid suffering; But deep bonding is necessary and important to feel satisfied, to build something worthwhile. We have this need to be relevant to someone and that has been problematized; But the problem does not lie in that link, what should be done is to include a 'reasonable approximation' to that.”
Inappropriate ways to approach an open couple
Just as monogamy is not for everyone, open partnering does not always fit all temperaments. “I advise against it for people who do not tolerate uncertainty well, and those who have had a biography full of abandonments will constantly feel a sense of danger,” Vagalume emphasizes.
Nor should we embark on this experiment if the couple is unwell or going through a crisis, as if it were a formula for salvation. “The most likely thing is that the opposite will happen, that he will get worse or die,” predicts Poch. The sexologist warns that one should not adopt this model to please others. “If one member of the couple wants to open the relationship and the other does not, pressure is not going to work. Much less give ultimatums or insist. You have to respect the times. Maybe you need to go slower, take more controlled steps, review how you are feeling. It is better to fall short and want to repeat than to overdo it. You have to create pacts, agreements, communicate clearly, have empathy and manage emotional management.”
It is often said that open couples, rather than settling on fidelity, do so on loyalty. However, Vagalume prefers the word trust. “You have to trust each other, feel calm, secure, know that you are safe, relax and let your guard down.”
Jealousy is those storms that all sailors fear when they scan the sky. “Open marriage, a book by Nena and George O'Neill (1972), is a classic and addresses jealousy in a 1970s way. That is, as a cultural issue, not a biological one, which is not shared by all peoples, since polygamy or polyandry exists,” says Vagalume. “However, in The book of jealousy, by Kathy Labriola (2017), they are already accepted and exercises are given to work with them. Basically, it is about breaking down this emotion into three: sadness, fear and anger, which are more familiar and manageable to us.”
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