My internal age is around 28, but when I long for things that technology has made obsolete I feel deeply 43. One of those things is going on vacation without being in constant contact, as was the case when the price of sending a text message was similar to having a glass of wine, before the arrival of WhatsApp.
Throughout this year I have realized how much the incessant flow of information makes it difficult for me to disconnect. Walking through the Polish countryside in search of mushrooms under a clear blue sky, I heard a voicemail from a friend giving me great details about his work concerns. After a wonderful day of eating meatballs and shopping for stickers in Barcelona with my 10-year-old niece, a friend decided to share an emotionally complex, and not at all urgent, update about another mutual friend’s poor health. I was in the Maldives and had just seen a stingray gliding beneath me in a cobalt blue ocean when a cousin summarized the details of a date on WhatsApp where the guy had sneezed on her plate.
For many of us, the predominant method of communicating with our loved ones is WhatsApp, not social media apps and email that can be temporarily deleted. Deleting WhatsApp, the tool we use to transmit important information but also everyday nothingness, does not seem possible even on vacation. In any case, the problem is not the application but rather a 24/7 availability, which has made us lose track of what should be communicated and when.
Throughout this year I have realized how much the incessant flow of information makes it difficult for me to disconnect.
“Just don’t respond, what’s the problem?” a friend who is very poor at responding to messages told me. Some people are good at not checking messages, or sitting quietly in the uncomfortable situation of not having responded. But trying to set those boundaries can make you feel like a terrible person when you’re a people pleaser and codependent. Even one that has been reformed, like me.
It is not just self-imposed pressure, but what emerges from a message that has been left unanswered. Before you could blame your silence on the high rates of the telephone operators, or a lack of signal, but all hotels now have free Wi-Fi and a lack of response suggests that you don’t care, or that you have better things to do – let’s face it, the Two things can be true.
For someone who struggles with anxiety like me, the endless flow of information isn’t the only thing that’s hard to compartmentalize. So is dealing with the expectation of immediate response.
On a recent trip to Greece with friends we talked about how different we were in our preferences for staying in touch on vacation. One of the group chatted several times a day with her partner, something that would have been a nightmare for me. “In fact, I’m trying to ban voice and video notes during this trip,” I said.
The problem is the availability of 24 hours a day, seven days a week, which has made us lose track of what should be communicated and when.
Why are you doing that? they asked me. I explained that I had already tried several techniques to give myself space, including turning off the double blue tick that confirms the reading. Letting people know when you’re online seemed like too much exposure to me, as if you were at home in your underwear with the lights on, and a parade of people passing by decided to ring the doorbell just because the lights seemed to indicate that you were there. Turning off notifications was the measure that came shortly after, reducing the mental noise in a dramatic way.
But lately I have had several friendly conversations asking that while I am away not to send me messages if they are not urgent, especially with people who send voice notes or send all the details of their day to day life. There are too many occasions in which it has not been understood that I am on vacation and, therefore, I cannot be contacted. This is especially true during short trips where there is less time to relax. I can reply from time to time but I prefer not to receive messages that require a long response, or that seem like a release of emotions.
“I’ll never remember that,” a friend told me, laughing. That’s okay: it’s unrealistic to expect others to keep my social calendar in mind. The important thing about the process is knowing that I have actively communicated what I need. Another didn’t quite understand my reasons or the possibility of exceptions. “What if I think of something while you’re away?” another friend asked me. I replied that I was not a recording device and that unless it was an emergency it could wait until I returned.
Lately I have had several friendly conversations asking that while I am away not to send me messages if they are not urgent
I’ve realized that when you set a limit, sometimes people can perceive it as a personal rejection, so I was careful to make it clear that it was just an attempt to disconnect in the most effective way. It doesn’t matter if we left the country for the holidays or if we just went home. For those of us who can’t afford to travel over the holidays, this quiet period can be the closest thing to a break, and the same rules can apply.
Although we know more and more about the need to prioritize rest, there is still too much emphasis on each person configuring their environment to achieve it. We can start a digital detox and turn off notifications. But unless we leave the phone at home, something unthinkable for a single woman, it is essential to ask our loved ones to consider the role they play in helping us recover.
Poorna Bell is a freelance journalist and author of the book Chase the Rainbow. Translation by Francisco de Zárate.
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