Is it the so-called break up sex, that is, the sex that is practiced at the moment in which it is decided that the relationship is no longer useful, as exciting as the movies sell it or it is a self-destructive disaster that litters the closure capable of awakening new emotions and traumas ? Is sex with an ex-partner a bad idea or a safe bet for those looking for an orgasm?
The 2020 study The psychology of breakup sex: Exploring the motivational factors and affective consequences of post-breakup sexual activity’ (The psychology of sexual breakup: exploration of the motivational factors and emotional consequences of having sex after breaking up) had the task of understanding why after breaking up, so many people decide to have sex with their former partners and what its consequences are, because its authors thought that pop culture had excessively romanticized this type of behavior. “Maintaining sexual contact with an ex-partner can have various consequences. Those involved may experience anguish and want to get back together, while, on the other hand, they may live an experience that motivates them to revive their relationship,” the authors explain.
The authors of this study differentiate between the so-called break up sex, which is what closes the relationship, and sex with someone who has been an ex-partner for some time. The study noted that women tend to feel worse about themselves after engaging in both types of encounters, while men simply feel excited about having sex. “It is quite clear that men and women tend to have different motivations and psychological consequences when it comes to a sexual encounter with an ex-partner, with men being more likely to do so for hedonistic reasons. Knowing that the person is not sure if she really wants to be there, but does it anyway for the sake of her pleasure, could well be reason enough not to do it in the first place,” warn the authors of the research.
The consequences of sex in ‘flashback’ key
Regarding having sex with someone you just left, Laura Morán, author of Perfectly imperfect, wants to clarify that the myth that anger can lead to wonderful sex is just that: a myth. “What research indicates is that women, when we have a negative mood (stress, sadness, anger), are not usually as inclined to have a sexual encounter. It is true that men, when angry, can see reconciliation sex as a sexual encounter with which to measure the level of anger and have the opportunity to physically reconnect with the partner. They see it as a negotiating table for conflict, but for women, sex is the table for celebrations,” she says.
Both sex with a partner with whom we are in the process of ending the relationship and with an ex-partner with whom we have not been with for a while inevitably leads to experiencing old feelings or making us think that the relationship is not really over. “When we have contact with our ex-partner and a sexual encounter arises, it may be that one or both of the parties get carried away by that memory they have of the beautiful moments they spent together, memories that they want to repeat again. The brain sometimes wants you to keep only that good part to protect yourself and thus forget about the moments that were not so splendid or that did not work. Those bad memories that tend to be ignored are precisely responsible for the fact that these two people are not a couple today,” she explains to S Fashion Rocío Moñino, psychologist and sexologist from VivelaVita.
For her part, Mariona Gabarra, sexologist, explains that as if that were not enough, having sex with an ex-partner or with someone who is going to be one after the meeting (yes: this type of sexual relations are a kind of libidinous omen) can trip you up. to future adventures or relationships. “When starting to meet new people, complicity in sex is not so easy, since sex has an emotional component. That connection is not simple. If, while we are getting to know someone with whom we are not adapted, because we come from a background of another relationship, we think that our ex was better, we will fall into his clutches again and doubts will arise. Instead of evaluating a new sexuality with someone new, we are going to compare it. It is not something objective and it will confuse us, because human beings tend to do what is easy to save energy and because our goal is survival. If we are getting to know someone with whom sexuality is going little by little and we compare it with someone with whom we already had that process, we are going to get confused and think that perhaps it will not work with the new person,” she warns.
This intimacy can lead to a reset fictitious and the physical connection, although in principle it can be taken as something casual, can cause one of the parties to fall prey to nostalgia and stay stuck in the past, instead of working on welcoming someone new between the sheets .
The reason for the obsession with the past
To avoid this type of encounter with the past in which an orgasm can be expensive, the interesting thing would be to discover, to begin with, why sex with an ex or with someone who is going to be one after the encounter is usually so appealing. “When we have an erotic encounter with another person, we are opening our trust, vulnerability, intimacy… In those moments there are emotions and feelings, even if it is with someone you have just met. However, when you find yourself with a person who has shared your life and there is a knowledge of how we like to be stimulated, to be talked to in such an intimate encounter and a long etcetera, it can produce an intense sensation. But there are also reunions with ex-partners that are not so amazing. We all know someone who has experienced it, so this concept cannot be generalized,” says Moñino. For his part, Morán clarifies that the error lies in believing that we can extend passion throughout a relationship. “Something is exciting when it is infrequent or novel, and logically, there comes a point at which in a relationship, sex stops being a novelty, so that outburst of falling in love cannot occur later in relationships in which that there is already established commitment and a feeling of trust and predictability. The novelty and uncertainty disappear,” he says.
So, is sex as a couple doomed to monotony? Should we forget about passion? Does the past always come back, even if only to satiate us sexually? Laura Morán emphasizes that passion tends to die both as a couple and when having sex with an ex because of the habituation effect. “When having sex with an ex, that encounter can be understood as a reconquest, you can have sex out of spite, it can serve to show or remind the other what they have lost… There can be many motivations that make that encounter something amazing. , but if sex with an ex is repeated several times, it will become less amazing each time,” he points out. For this reason, Mariona Gabarra, sexologist and Gleeden advisor, is committed to working on passion and is responsible for reassuring those who believe in monogamy above all things. “Sex with a partner could perfectly be just as passionate as with an ex. We have to know that every day our partner chooses us and value it,” she says.
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