Going to a wedding seems like an unavoidable issue, any excuse can be superficial compared to the enthusiasm that the couple has put into organizing the event in which they also want you to be a participant. This is how a wedding becomes a date to highlight on your calendar. Travel, gifts, dresses, suits… and in recent years, also bachelor parties, pre-weddings and other micro-events around the big day, can mean an outlay that ends up affecting the personal finances of an entire year.
It is often assumed that everyone of a certain age invited to an event will be able to attend, and that any financial effort will be covered, but this does not always have to be the case. The job and economic precariousness around which our lives revolve means that we have to decide what is acceptable or not for our pockets. This is how attending a wedding becomes expendable.
According to the Notary Statistical Information Center, marriages carried out in this way increased by 16.3% in 2023, which means 22,632 more weddings. This increases the possibility of attending one, although now weddings are far from the traditional idea we have of them. “Weddings today are expensive because they include many extras. Before they focused on going somewhere to eat and drink. Now weddings are almost festivals,” he says. Paloma Lejárragaprotocol expert and wedding planner. “They have become a constant search for sensations for the guests,” he adds.
200 euros per cover (and counting)
This is something that ends up inflating the price of the event and, consequently, the attendee has to assume it as an extra that can compete with other added expenses such as “having to fix the car or go to the dentist,” shares Juan, 34 years old. , who has been to five weddings in the last three years. “When I’m invited to a wedding I have to look at my Google Calendar and check if it coincides with another event I had planned. Think about hypothetical trips and the expenses that this entails (accommodation, vacation days that you did not plan to use, etc.). Clothes for me are not so important, since being a man I usually repeat a suit and no one notices. All of this added to the envelope that I will give to the bride and groom.”
Weddings today are expensive because they include many extras. Before they focused on going somewhere to eat and drink. Now they are almost festivals
Paloma Lejárraga
— wedding planner
And in a wedding that entails all of the above, “1,000 euros could perfectly go away,” as Juan ends up confessing. He also shares that “everyone can spend what they want on their wedding, but I am not going to spend more on the envelope or the gift because you have someone cutting ham or the London Symphony Orchestra plays.”
The average cost per guest at a wedding can range from 144 euros in Andalusia to 267 euros in Asturias, according to this recent study published by the platform Bodas.net with data from 2023. The report also states that in our country these celebrations have an average of 117 guests. If we use the cost of the cover as a reference to determine the contribution to the wedding couple, we find that it is around 200 euros, a figure with which a recent Klarna survey also coincides and to which we must add the costs of clothing, transportation and accommodation. The figure can rise even more depending on the closeness or relationship with the couple.
Tools to say no
According to the psychologist Carmen Molina“If you choose not to attend a wedding, there are different tools that you have, the main one being assertiveness. You have to understand that I have the right to say no despite the guilt.” This is crucial because sometimes we are not aware that refusal is an option. That it is totally valid to say no to a wedding invitation out of respect for that day, but how to express it? Molina shares with this medium that “there is a very simple technique, that of the sandwich. This is covering this refusal that is difficult for us to express between two comments that are easier for us.”
Another crucial part must be that the couple getting married understands that their wedding does not have to be an unavoidable event for others, even though it is important. That marriage is a unilateral decision of the person getting married and involves other people. That is why speaking it is the main thing, to avoid misunderstandings. According to the psychologist, “if I want my best friend to be at my wedding and it is prohibitive for her, I can make it easier for her not to pay the cover or not to give me a gift. “Tell him with the greatest honesty so that he knows that for me the most important thing is that he is at my wedding.”
Possible alternatives
“One of the things I like least about attending a wedding is that almost obligation to pay for the party when I think it shouldn’t be like that,” says Juan. “Also the silent competition that is generated between couples who have been married before. There are those who are criticizing the entire event as an eternal comparison between dishes, the place or the spectacular nature of the wedding.” The latter may be curious because it is one of the reasons that make weddings become a vicious circle of more and better that it is too lazy to attend.
I have to check if it coincides with another event I had planned, think about hypothetical travel and the expenses involved (accommodation, vacation days that I did not plan to use, etc.). All this added to the envelope that I will give to the bride and groom
Juan
— 34 years
The silence generated by the lack of financial resources can be a factor that causes misunderstandings when sharing the refusal with the partner. Couples can give alternatives to not paying the cover, but the shame can also be paralyzing. “Empathy on the part of the couple may not occur because they do not know about these complicated economic situations. People end up drowning or end up asking for help to be able to attend. If it is spoken genuinely, there are couples who will understand it,” adds Molina.
Fashions, social networks and more expensive weddings
And social networks have had a lot to do with this change in weddings, since, as Paloma says, “the bride and groom want to replicate what they see on other couples’ social networks. Fashions that you see and like, like colorful fireworks.” Everything adds up to the cost of these events. Weddings even have a specific script in which there will be certain surprise events that seek to impress those attending and that the bride and groom delegate to those who are dedicated to organizing them.
Juan feels that “most weddings have become an event full of posturing and paraphernalia in which they have forgotten the main motivation of the event: to celebrate the union of two people together.” This, along with monetary reasons, has become another motivation for ignoring the wedding invitation in the mailbox, although simply ignoring it is not the most advisable thing to do if you want to maintain a good relationship with those who have decided to place a wedding ring on their ring finger. .
Is another type of celebration possible?
There is the ambition of wanting a wedding that adapts to fashion, but there is also a current trend of celebrating weddings in which the important thing is not the spectacularity and luxury, but rather the moment shared with loved ones in something more informal. “I am receiving invitations to other types of weddings in which wanting to be with people is more praised and not financial expense,” says Carmen Molina. “That comes from understanding the precarious economic situations of others.”
Weddings in which clothing is not so important or etiquette is left aside. Different from what a socially understood wedding is. There are even those who understand that their wedding should not be an expense for their family or friends and decide to pay for it on their own, reducing the number of guests. But this type of wedding has a drawback, the external criticism—sometimes overwhelming—from those who feel offended for not having been invited.
If you choose not to attend a wedding, there are different tools that you have, the main one being assertiveness. We must understand that I have the right to say no despite the guilt
Carmen Molina
— psychologist
According to the psychologist, “given this, the couple could give a message that is very clear and exalts what is genuine. Perhaps we should assume that there will always be criticism. Faced with these, we have to focus on what a decision we have made, and why it is important to us. If there are people who do not agree, then we will have to deal with it and accept it.”
Say no, but with time
Something important when saying no is to do it in advance, so that the couple getting married can know in advance and reorganize the event. It may seem silly, but one of the problems of doing something that makes us feel uncomfortable is procrastination and this can lead to a violent situation, “if I want to say no and I am clear about it, then saying it ahead of time is the ideal thing to do.” . Do not wait until the last minute, because this can be a complication,” adds psychologist Molina.
And, according to Lejárraga, “we take weddings a year/year and a half in advance,” so there is enough time to look for the tools and talk to those getting married and share the reason for not attending, even providing another more intimate moment to share before or after the wedding. This is when imagination can work against economic precariousness. This is when creating a shared moment can also happen in parallel to attending the main event, the colored smoke and pyrotechnics.
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