Imagine that you are walking down the street calmly and you see a friend of yours on the other side of the street. You try to greet him or get his attention, but he doesn’t greet you. You then start to wonder, is he mad at me? Do you dislike me? Will he think I’m a bore? All these questions cause us to feel sad or hurt. The fact that he has not greeted us is not what causes us discomfort but the interpretation What we do automatically, without knowing what has really happened. He may not have seen us, he may not have realized it or he may have been thinking about his own things, without being aware of the person he has crossed paths with. If any of these options were what we had thought of at first, the emotions we would have felt would then be completely different and much more positive.
What occurs at first is cognitive distortionsthat is to say, irrational negative thoughts.
Some of the most common distortions are: personalization (taking things as if they were something personal); read the mind (guess what others think); make overgeneralizations; underestimate one’s own ability; catastrophism; thought of all or nothing; believe that others have to know our needs; minimize and magnify; or build personal worth based on external opinions.
In order to combat the unpleasant emotions and thoughts caused by these cognitive distortions or thinking errors, we can use a technique called cognitive restructuring.
Cognitive restructuring is a technique with scientific evidence very useful in this type of situation. It allows us to identify and question those negative thoughts to replace them with some more appropriate ones and these in turn can reduce our discomfort by trying to find rational alternatives.
This technique is based on the ABC model, in which A are the experiences that we have, B are the thoughts (cognitions) that occur about the experiences we live and C refers to our reaction facing what happened and how we feel. So we can indicate that depending on what thoughts we have, our reaction will be different. It is important to remember that they are modifiable cognitions.
Therefore, it is very important to follow the following steps to carry out the restructuring.
1. Register the thoughts negative (distortions). To do this, we are going to put them in a table in which on one side you describe the situation, on another what you feel and on another what you think. This will allow us to be aware of our irrational ideas and later work with them.
2. Analyze the veracity of irrational thoughts. Let’s identify what evidence we have that these thoughts are real. Let’s remember the example given at the beginning, what evidence do we have that he doesn’t like me? Or that he thinks I’m a bore?
3. Analyze the utility of thought. Does it help me to think that he doesn’t like me? What do I get by thinking that?
4. Analyze the importance of thought. Would it be so serious if he was upset with me? Why would that be so horrible? Let’s put irrational thoughts to the test. Let’s ask, for example, if that friend is upset with you or if he really thinks you’re annoying, so we can clear up any doubts.
5. Detect thoughts alternatives. Once we have realized that our thoughts are not rational, we are going to ask ourselves different questions such as: Could we interpret the situation differently? Could we behave differently in this situation?
At the same time, it is also very important to change the “I have to” and “I should” for these other options: “I would like” or “I would prefer.”
Cognitive restructuring is not an easy exercise to do and we need to be able to put it into practice. We must not forget that in the end we are trying to change thoughts that are deeply rooted in ourselves. But here’s the key: just because it costs doesn’t mean it can’t be achieved.
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