It is Saturday afternoon somewhere halfway through the manifestation when two elderly women, in their seventies and strangers to each other, strike up a conversation in the midst of the crowd. “We could never talk about it,” conclude the two after their meeting, where Tineke de Rijk (72) listens to the story of her 79-year-old contemporary: she appears to have been abused in her youth and has struggled with it all her life.
That has to be different for the women of today, and therefore today at the Museumplein in Amsterdam for the manifestation No blame, but change. It was organized by Wij zijn M, a foundation that wants to break the taboo surrounding sexual abuse of children. The reason for the demonstration is the scandal surrounding sexual misconduct in the TV program The Voice of Hollandalthough the speakers on stage emphasize that the problem is society-wide.
At the end of the day, the turnout, at about five hundred people, is considerably lower than the thousands that the police had expected in advance. “Many victims do not dare to come,” says organizer Mandy Sleijpen (35) after the one and a half meeting. “But I don’t care. Even if there are five of you here. Something has to change.”
It is noticeable that many men show their support. They show signs with texts such as “looking away is not an option” and “a real guy has consent”. There are men who have come along with their wife or girlfriend out of support, but also men who want to make themselves heard precisely because they are men.
‘Border-crossing behavior is often put away as a joke’
Ben Little (21) from Cape Town, South Africa, studies Media and Cultural Studies at Utrecht University.
He is present with his girlfriend and two friends. “I am particularly angry and outraged that the Sexual Offenses Bill will not be introduced until 2024 at the earliest. That can be done much faster.
“I have not experienced any instances of sexual violence in my own group of friends. I did hear from a friend that a boy who went too far with a girl was kicked out by his group of friends. But you don’t hear that often, many cases of sexually transgressive behaviour, especially from men towards women, are taken lightly. It is put away as a joke.”
Compared to his home country of South Africa, he notices that there is a completely different culture in the Netherlands when it comes to dating. “The expectations are different. Here in the Netherlands it is all much more relaxed. I often have the feeling that men expect something in return from women when they have arranged a date through, for example, a dating app. That they should always get something physical in return. South Africa is more religious and in that respect more reserved.
“Education is important. I think it comes into play from about age 16. Universities must also take responsibility and make this subject much more open to discussion. It’s a hidden problem. How can you solve a problem if you don’t talk about it?”
‘A man is sometimes seen as a hunter’
Aart-Jan van der Zon (70) from Hillegom is from Haarlem with his girlfriend Saskia (60).
He traveled to Amsterdam especially for the manifestation. “The turnout is a lot lower than we thought, we expected a lot more people, but it’s good to be here.
“When I was young, you noticed that women were treated more courteously. In the dance class you learned how to accompany a female dance partner and how to hold the door open for her. There was more of an etiquette.”
“A man is sometimes seen as a kind of hunter. But he must watch how he hunts, because women are not prey. That’s something men need to learn.
“With power, it’s a completely different story. I have always held leadership positions in education. There it could be a blind spot. But it can also go the other way. A former colleague of mine at a primary school in Haarlem was once accused of assault by a group eight girl and immediately put on non-active status. While an investigation later revealed that nothing had happened. I think we should also let that sound be heard.”
The abuses with the TV program The Voice of Holland have made him angry, but he doesn’t want the subject to be hijacked by momentary sensation. “I have the feeling that this is happening right now. While it should be much more about manners between men and women. The way the game is played. That’s something that goes both ways. Because it is the most fun game to play.”
‘Changing room breeding ground for transgressive behaviour‘
After obtaining his gymnasium diploma, Geert Noordzij (18) is mainly active as a climate activist and is a candidate councilor for the PvdA in Amsterdam.
He attended the demonstration together with a young group of PvdA members. “I notice that changing rooms in particular are a breeding ground for transgressive behaviour. It is then laughed off by men. You notice this regularly both at school and at the sports club and it is often difficult to talk to someone about it. It is put away as a joke, but men also have a task in this. It takes courage.
“I think the broader solution lies with politics and education. They should raise this subject much more often and ensure better morals law. Now we have to wait two years for a new law and then I have to see if anything concrete remains. That is why these kinds of manifestations are so important.
“I think it’s special that so many people have come. But I hope it’s not a hype and that the attention for this problem continues. That takes stamina.”
‘Many men can’t handle ‘no’‘
Etienne Brinkman (35) from Amsterdam is a nurse at the GGD and the Antoni van Leeuwenhoek hospital.
Since watching the performance of American stand-up comedian Aziz Ansari, who was accused of sexual misconduct in 2018, he has become more aware of the problem on Netflix.
“Since then, I have heard from many more women than I expected that they too have experienced transgressive behaviour. Many men can’t handle ‘no’. So I’m not really shocked by the revelations at The Voice. A friend of mine also has blond hair, blue eyes and a pretty face. We really don’t let them cycle home alone.
“It is often the case that men continue to push on. It’s a status thing that you regulate women. And you’re not going to hang around a rejection.
“Sexually transgressive behavior often occurs during going out, where people under the influence of alcohol lose control of their impulses. Men are also victims, then you notice in the gay scene where this behavior occurs a lot and is trivialized. That has to be different.”
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