Esmee Visser has just returned from vacation. She was away for a week to the Portuguese beach town of Faro, all alone, enjoying the southern European winter sun on the roof terrace of her apartment, reading, doing puzzles, dozing.
It was not as relaxed as that sounds for Visser. It was her first vacation in four years since she surprisingly won the 5,000m Olympics at the Pyeongchang Olympics. Just going away for a week, doing nothing, she always thought it was a shame. She could also use that time to train, to get better. So seven days without a plan, without a day filling, she found that difficult, she says. „I like structure, then it is quite difficult to fill such a day. Fortunately, my coaches allowed me to cycle a bit every day. In the end I also spent a lot of time on my roof terrace. And I’ve been able to think about how I want to continue.”
With the holiday, Visser ended a long period in which she went through a deep physical and mental valley and slowly got back on track. Four years ago, as a 21-year-old stayer talent, she just entered the skating world. Skating was her hobby, an afterthought in her life. She first skated to an Olympic starting permit at the Olympic qualifying tournament (OKT) in 2017, and two months later, apparently out of the blue, to that gold medal in South Korea.
After that, for Visser’s feeling, it only started. The morning after she was crowned an Olympic champion, she asked her coach what they were going to do that day. Nothing, enjoy, was his answer, but that was not enough for Visser. “The next day I was immediately concerned with my golden race not being perfect. That it could be even better. I get a kick out of pushing my limits.”
Now that Visser was an Olympic champion, skating had become her profession, she thought. She had to take that seriously. And so she trained harder, cycled further, tried to skate faster, until her body couldn’t take it anymore. “I was a perfectionist, wanted too much and too much, and because of that I did too much.”
A few more titles
In the two years after the Games, Visser’s extensive training resulted in a few more Dutch titles and a European title, plus a silver and bronze World Cup medal on ‘her’ five kilometers, but she never reached her level at the Games. As her body became overtrained, her mind wanted more and more. When she realized that she couldn’t, there was despair. “I had the feeling that I was skating backwards, because I referred everything to how things went when things went well,” says Visser. “I kept getting disappointed by myself.”
The breaking point came last season; Fisher collapsed. “I had lost the joy of skating. That was very difficult to admit, because I always did everything for fun. But it happened to me.” Panic took its place. Racing became something she began to dread. Every time at the start, that announcement as an Olympic champion, it made her want to hide, it made her even more nervous than she already was. “I felt I couldn’t lose to people I had beaten before.” Visser had panic attacks on match days and started to hyperventilate. “I thought: I’m going to fail again.” Which happened next, because her breathing became so dysfunctional from the panic that good skating was no longer possible.
Reverse career
Visser had to ‘reset’ her body. Not through vacation – “I can’t force myself to lie down on a beach”– but through mental help and self-examination, and above all: not having to perform for a while, not having to train for a while. Instead, she picked up her pharmaceutical sciences again, got her bachelor’s degree and taught herself to do nothing, not to see afternoon naps as wasted time.
“I have walked a reverse career,” she says looking back. “First I won Olympic gold, and only then did I have to find out who I am, how I can do things best, how my body works.”
It didn’t work right away. Visser had lost confidence in her body, which she hardly recognized from the years in which speed and good results seemed to come naturally. But slowly she started to see progress on a weekly basis. “I had moments of happiness again, both physically and mentally. As a result, the pleasant feeling returned.”
Cautiously, Visser again dared to think ahead, to set herself a goal, even though her coaches thought that she should not concern herself with it. But the training sessions went so well that she secretly started thinking about the OKT in December. What also helped is that she could finally reflect on what she has already achieved as a speed skater. “It only dawned on me last year that I had won Olympic gold.”
Hence the tiny smile on Visser’s face when she was announced as reigning Olympic champion at the OKT for the start of the 5,000 meters. For years that announcement was a burden, but now she was determined not to torment herself. “When I heard it I thought: this is me, I achieved this four years ago, I am proud of this. I’m on my way back.”
Her race at the OKT ended in disappointment. Two days before the five kilometers, Visser fell during a training session after her skate got stuck in a groove in the bend. “Deep down, I felt it slip away right away,” she says, referring to her chances of being placed. It turned out that there were small tears everywhere in her hamstring over a length of 20 centimeters, her coaches gave her a 1 percent chance that she could start.
Yet she insisted on driving, even when the fear of failure returned on race day. She had to deal with ten panic attacks. “I was just fighting myself, counting time to the start. Because when the starting gun sounds, then you have to”, says Visser. After two laps she no longer felt her injured left leg, she crossed the line in ninth, 23 seconds behind winner Irene Schouten. Afterwards, she spoke to the press with tears in her eyes. “I wanted so badly to show that I’m still here, and I couldn’t. That was a big blow.”
Looking for a side job
A few weeks later Visser is at peace with it. “I have shown a fighting spirit, and with my injury this was the maximum that I could achieve. During my vacation I drew a line under it.” She hasn’t been on the ice since the OKT to let her injured hamstring recover. Next week the first ice training sessions are planned again, and she is looking forward to it. “I noticed after the OKT that the outside world thinks I’m pathetic. But that is not necessary at all, I have enjoyed skating again since the beginning of this season, just not during competitions.”
It will be some time before she has her mental weaknesses under control during competitions, she says. “I have suffered considerable mental trauma, that is a backpack that I carry with me. Getting back from that is a long process.” In terms of self-development, she has made great strides this year, says Visser. “I have earned a diploma in that.”
Now she wants to start over, with new goals, a clean slate, “a new me”, as she calls it herself. Skating as if she has never set personal bests. In her training sessions prior to the OKT, Visser felt physically better than ever, which gave her confidence. And while on vacation, she decided that she would like to find a side job in the near future, so that skating is no longer the only thing in her life. “Actually, it should become an afterthought.”
Next season she thinks she will be able to compete with the best skaters again. “I have already shown in the past that I can do it,” says Visser. “If I no longer suffer from myself, I can still skate very hard.”
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