How to prevent the loneliness of middle age from being harmful

Middle age—between approximately 40 and 60 years—is a vital phase of continuous adaptation to changes that may or may not be chosen. At this stage, contradictory feelings coexist: the satisfaction of having completed personal projects, the feeling that expectations have not been met or the uncertainty of a future that is still in development or transition. It is considered the lowest period of life satisfaction, because, as Ignacio Peyró said in one of his recent columns: “Time resizes happiness until it consists of nothing horrible happening to you.”

This period of life is a sensitive time for unwanted loneliness. Experts such as Weiss or Cacioppo define it as a psychological condition characterized by a deep feeling of emptiness, uselessness, lack of control and personal threat. The emotional impact of unwanted loneliness depends on whether it is a frequent, even chronic, or punctual feeling. In Spain, a state observatory has been promoted to study it (solitudes.es). According to their calculations, this would affect 13.4% of the general population and 12% of the middle-aged population. The economist Noreena Hertz points out in The century of loneliness multiple social and cultural changes associated with these figures: the rise of social networks that reduces the number of face-to-face contacts, the advance of individualism over deep connection with others, teleworking, changes in the family model, geographical dispersion, the increase in people living alone, little commitment to community activities and the loss of social rituals.

The feeling of loneliness varies between people because it has a subjective component. It would be more convenient to speak, therefore, of solitudes than of solitude. But there is a certain consensus in categorizing three types: the social, the existential and the emotional. Social loneliness characterizes more those with difficulties in social skills, a tendency to isolation and a lack of support network. It is linked to types of attachment and trauma. It is influenced by social and economic inequalities, and is related to social exclusion, according to psychogerontology expert Feliciano Villar.

Existential loneliness is characterized by a disconnection from oneself, as well as from others. Feelings of isolation, alienation, emptiness, abandonment or fear predominate. There is a lack of meaning or vital project. It is more prevalent among those who face losses, such as separations and divorces, unemployment and difficulties in coping with it (which especially affects men), early widowhood, changes of residence or health problems. There is another profile that, although they have not had losses, feels that their life project has not been fulfilled in their relationship, family or job. These people make a constant comparison between the life they lead and the life they wanted.

Finally, emotional loneliness is experienced by those who carry an overload of responsibilities in different areas. For example, caregivers, who have the feeling of not achieving everything: suffer because personal well-being depends on the well-being of others (children, friends, parents). This creates a feeling of feeling trapped. It is also related to the feeling of feeling alone despite being accompanied.

If this feeling of unwanted loneliness in middle age becomes chronic, it can cause old age not to be lived fully, affecting health and well-being. The book Loneliness: Understanding and managing it so as not to feel alone, by Giorgio Nardone, provides some recommendations. The first would be to recognize loneliness and accept it. The second is to understand why you feel that way and think about the behaviors that perpetuate the problem. The third, foster experiences of connection, bonding, belonging, closeness and intimacy.

For people who experience greater social loneliness, it may be advisable to learn social skills or modify maladaptive cognitive patterns (“no one is going to talk to me”). For those who suffer existential loneliness, the solution is not only to foster relationships, but to be able to live better with one's own loneliness or to empower oneself by having new life projects. This means converting it into a more serene experience, as Francesc Torralba points out in The art of knowing how to be alone. It is also helpful to offer support and feel useful to others. The best way to coexist with emotional loneliness would involve rethinking family, work or community projects and commitments.

But better managing loneliness does not only depend on individual will. It involves promoting community architecture and including public and social organizations that transform society with initiatives that increase social connection and promote feelings of belonging. Loneliness is not a tsunami, nor a disease, but something that we all feel throughout our lives linked to our condition as vulnerable beings, as psychologist Javier Yanguas says. Perhaps the biggest challenge is accepting one's own vulnerability.

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