It's the language. Suddenly I understand. I hate unsolicited advice with a passion that would be worthy of a nobler cause and I often find self-help too soft (whatever that means). But at the same time, and I find this strange, I love life advice. Unfortunately, life comes without a manual, and I love it when someone has managed to dig up a piece of that absent manual from the depths of existence and presents it beautifully, in a way that sticks in my brain. It must be a bit of poetry, such a life lesson. So logically, how could it not be the language?
Of course, it's not just the language. It is also about who says something, at what time, about what subject, how precisely and how specifically, and preferably also a bit funny. But I only realized that the way in which someone expresses life wisdom is so important after I called Aaf Brandt Corstius about her book, published at the end of last year. Give every gnome his own hat: life lessons you didn't know you neededwith wise sentences she collected and noted, and sometimes even created herself.
The gnome hat tip, which also sticks in my mind, means that people all have their quirks and that you should allow them (to a certain extent, provided they are not aggressive). It is (tip!) useful not to confuse the book, as I first did, with it being published at approximately the same time The gnome formula by Alex van den Brandhof, mathematics employee of NRC, with logic puzzles about gnomes with different colored hats. Also fun, but really something different.
Very specific tips
Brandt Corstius, she says when asked, is both a bit of a guru herself and someone who loves gurus and seeks them out. She currently has two advice podcasts. She makes with actress LiesVisschedijk Aaf and Lies will solve it again, in which they solve a listener's problem every week. And she meets with journalist Vincent Kouters every other week You don't talk about money, in which they do not officially give financial advice (because that is not allowed) but they do talk about their own money and investment habits. She previously wrote, together with Machteld van Gelder, Handbook for the modern woman (2008). She also likes to give advice in everyday life, she says, and often.
She also asks for it often. “And I often pass it on. Preferably very specific tips, not at the same level: go to therapy or read a book. As soon as I hear a tip that makes my emotional meter go off, I write it down. The last one where I did that comes from the diary of Nina Stibbe, one of my favorite writers. She received advice about her children: 'you don't own them'. Your children are someone themselves. That sounds obvious, but someone has to say it to you, and 'you don't own them' sounds a lot nicer than 'set them free' or something.” (For those who care: of the sixty life lessons in the book, only two are in English.)
It's not that she has such a strong urge to become a better person. The tips are not necessarily intended for that. “A good tip answers a question you didn't know you had and which you think: this will help me make decisions. It organizes your thoughts and calms them down. I'm a bit hesitant myself; That's also why I cheer up when I hear something sensible.”
Most tips are indeed about calming your mind, stopping worrying, making decisions, getting work done, getting to know yourself, getting inspired and accepting life. A few tips are about style, appearance or home furnishings. “Those are the topics I think about most, my own obsessions,” says Brandt Corstius. “Another topic is: how do I get myself to exercise.” I had indeed repressed that. “Yes, I often miss out on sports, but I do notice that it helps me. Of course, it rarely becomes very fun, but hey, you shouldn't want everything to be fun either.” Does she also have a tip for: “Annoying job? Set a timer and just do it. Then you don't have to worry about it for so long.” And usually something annoying (the dishwasher, the litter box) lasts less time than you think.
There is virtually no financial advice in the book, although she does make a podcast about it. “That's because it's difficult to find nice phrases about it. I actually only know, and it is not in the book: 'the best investor is a dead investor'.” No, that does not mean that it is better not to invest: “It means that as an investor it is best to do as little as possible. Don't look at your wallet, don't panic. Do nothing.”
One beautiful sentence
She does not see her book as self-help. “Although people do send messages that they have benefited from it, so in that way it is. But a self-help book is often about one subject, within love or work. And you can often summarize it in one sentence. I recently saw a site where they had done that, and I had read ten of those books in a few minutes, that really made a difference! That's what I like about those life lessons: that it's always one beautiful sentence and that you don't have to read a whole book about it.”
Can she actually handle unsolicited advice? “That depends on the subject and someone's expertise. It is usually not nice about the children and the dog, you have your own ideas about that. But I have a friend who is very good with clothes and colors and furniture and so on and I don't mind her giving unsolicited advice about that. Or if you have already received some advice from that person. But I don't put up with real mansplaining either. It's good that there is a word for that nowadays, because then you understand exactly what is going on and then you can ignore it.” Language also helps with this.
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