Is it normal to have sexual fantasies? Should one feel guilty about it? Are they a symptom of having a relationship problem? There are many people who relegate this experience to the realm of secretthe shame and the blame. However, the sociologist, sexologist and spokesperson for JOYClub Spain, Cecila Bizzotto, assures that they are a natural and healthy expression of sexuality and that can also contribute to enriching relationships and improving personal connection. To do this, of course, it is advisable to first clarify concepts because the usual thing is to think that a sexual fantasy is that desired practice that has never been carried out. This leads us to think that these are unfulfilled desires that, when put into practice, go from the world of fantasies to the catalog of sexual experiences. But the truth is that this is not the case, since the consensus in scientific research reveals that sexual fantasies are actually any mental image that results sexually exciting either erotica (this is how Leitenberg and Henning defined it in 1995 and it is the definition that continues to be used today), that is, as Bizzotto describes: “A sexual fantasy is any idea that, by the mere fact of thinking about it, excites us and has the capacity to provoke desire in us.” . It could be a memory, something we saw in a movie or a scene a friend told us…
They are more common than is believed and are not only normal in statistical terms, but are also positiveThat is, they generate a good impact on sexuality. So much so that the attitude towards them is considered an important sexual health indicator (Moyano and Sierra, 2014). This means, according to the JOYClub Espala expert, that the fact that a person has fantasies is usually associated with more sexual desire, more satisfaction and more excitement. “What will determine whether we fantasize or not (and, therefore, whether we deeply enjoy our sexuality) is whether we consider our sexual thoughts as valid and acceptable,” recalls Bizzotto. Not in vain, having a negative attitude towards fantasies and considering them sinful, depraved or unhealthy is a factor that influences the decreased libido. That is why the expert considers it so important to accept and normalize erotic fantasies.
There are no types of fantasies that imply, per se, any problem or sexual dysfunction. And they can all be positive as long as they do not cause discomfort to either the person fantasizing or the other person. «It doesn’t matter if we fantasize about sleeping with someone other than our partner, about humiliating someone or about being spanked a couple of times. In fact, many people fantasize about controversial ideas. But the realm of fantasies is one thing, reality can be very different. What is important is to know how to differentiate between the idea that excites us and the idea that we want to put into practice,” argues Bizzotto.
This is how couple relationships improve
One of the most valuable aspects of accepting and experimenting positively with sexual fantasies is that, according to the sociologist, it can improve sexual functioning (increasing desire, arousal, orgasm…) and promote intimacy between the couple. Furthermore, some authors and therapists consider that erotic imagination “offers mental alternatives if there is discomfort or dissatisfaction, making it easier to plan a positive course of action for the future.” (Newbury et al., 2012; Person, 1996).
In any case, as Bizzotto clarifies, the important thing is not to fantasize a lot or to fantasize all the time, but to allow, normalize and naturalize fantasizing so that when it appears, we can enjoy it and surrender to it. In this way, we can get to know each other better, enjoy our eroticism more, free our thoughts and this can even benefit our relationships.
Should they be secret?
The decision to share fantasies depends solely on the person who has them and they do not have to share them with anyone if they do not want to or if they do not feel in a safe space to communicate them. In fact, as the sociologist clarifies, some fantasies are exclusively personal and are part of individual privacy.
Furthermore, it may happen that in some relationships in which there is little trust, the fact of sharing fantasies can generate conflicts. And the same thing happens if you are in a moment in which the relationship is in danger or if for any reason that person considers that sharing the content of your fantasies may cause emotional harm to your partner.
The important thing is to share your fantasies when that person feels it is the right time and place.
And what happens if I don’t have fantasies?
Although this is something that, if you are concerned, should be consulted with a sexology professional, there are some reasons that may be behind this lack of fantasies:
1. Be asexual: Although 60% of asexual people do have fantasies, a significant proportion of this group does not fantasize sexually. Of course, asexuality, like any sexual orientation, does not depend only on fantasizing and is not something that is “diagnosed” but rather depends on self-identification.
2. Have low sexual desire: If at other times in your life you had fantasies and now you don’t and this is accompanied by little desire to have sexual encounters or masturbate, it is most likely that everything is linked. And if your goal is to “have more desire” and reeducate your erotic imagination.
3. Because experience In the sexual experience it is diverse. There are people who are comfortable with their sexuality but who do not fantasize frequently. Some people have a more functional or less imaginative approach to sexuality, which is valid.
What is important, according to Bizzotto, is that people should not be pathologized for having a sexual experience that is out of the ordinary. “Although 98% of people fantasize, if you are in the 2% and that does not generate conflict, there is no problem to deal with,” he points out.
How to train the possibility of having fantasies
Fantasizing emerges when we accept our desires, when we are connected with our eroticism, when we are not stressed, when we leave the screens and give ourselves a few minutes to feel and listen to our mind… In addition, there are a lot of things we can do to stimulate and develop the sexual imagination: read erotic stories, listen to audios and watch erotic films, practice sexual mindfulness, write and read erotic stories…
Are some fantasies common?
Knowing sexual fantasies, their content and realization is absolutely vital to know people’s sexuality in depth, according to the sexologist, who points out that she is developing her own research to discover if the typology of fantasies and their realization has something to do with variables such as gender, age, ideology, sexual education received. (Link to learn about the study and participate in it).
According to data collected by JOYclub, the most common sexual fantasies include:
– Explore unconventional relationships, such as threesomes or group dynamics.
– Role-playing: assuming different characters or situations to intensify emotional connection and desire.
-Scenarios of consensual power and control, such as BDSM practices, that allow emotions to be explored from a safe and controlled environment.
– Fantasies in unusual or forbidden places, which add a component of adrenaline and emotion.
How to help normalize sexual fantasies
The main thing, as Bizzotto recalls, is to put an end to the pathologized discourse that makes us believe that there are certain fantasies that are not valid and sexualities that are “rare.” For example, it has been seen (in studies carried out in the United States) that one of the most frequent fantasies in men and women are those related to Domination-submission and BDSM in general. However, these types of sexual practices are considered perverse, strange and not “normal.” That is why the expert points out that when sexual diversity is embraced and normalized, that is when we will begin to live erotica in a more free way when sexual diversity will really begin to be embraced and normalized. “We believe that the only valid erotica is ‘mainstream’ and normative (heterosexual, penetrative, focused on orgasm and genitals…) when in reality many people do not fantasize about this,” he recalls.
Finally, the sociologist and sexologist concludes that receiving a comprehensive sexual education and promote educational programs that include topics on sexual diversity from an early age; as well as increasing the presence of health and education professionals with sexological training can contribute to normalizing an open and positive dialogue about sexuality, in general, and about sexual fantasies in particular.
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