Seeing that the adolescent son or daughter begins a love relationship is not always easy for parents to assimilate, who generally consider that their little ones are not yet ready for that type of love. It is usually considered and understood as a proper age to go out with friends and not to focus on a single person. If to this is added the possibility of glimpse behaviors on the part of the couple of the children far from healthy, the concern of the parents is, obviously, even greater.
That is why it is interesting to know the most common signs to pay attention to; small gestures that may indicate that the adolescent has become hooked on a toxic relationship or an unhealthy love relationship, as social educator Sara Desirée Ruiz prefers to call it, also instagrammer focused on adolescence and author of The day my daughter called me a bitch. Marina García Fuentes, co-director of the Psicode Institute of Psychology, refers to situations in which adolescents leave behind people and hobbies in their environment that have always fulfilled them: “Furthermore, they downplay their friendships and even separate from them. At home he also distances himself from his parents and siblings. Because his focus is on the person he loves”. It is like that until dependency, so that “if he is not close to her, she gets to feel emotional discomfort. And if they get angry, the world falls apart”, adds García. And he gives another clue: “The emotions that are felt with these types of couples are very extreme in short intervals of time, from an exaltation of love to intense suffering.”
Although it may seem that the signs are clear, we must remember that we are referring to adolescents, people who feel intensely. “We must take into account the characteristics of the stage and that certain situations cannot be avoided because they are still developing,” explains Ruiz. At this stage, according to the expert, the relationships they maintain with other people are of great importance: “Romantic relationships are very different from those of adults. Adolescents are in the process of building their identity and their social projection”.
Isabel Prestel, mother of Paula Delgado, was surprised by the behavior of her 15-year-old daughter when she began her first courtship: “Overnight she lost confidence in me. She didn’t tell me anything and even her expressions were aggressive. Straight up, she was another girl.” And although at first Delgado did not want to rush, there were very evident signs. Paula herself detected those signs that something did not fit with that boy: “He absolutely disliked all my friends, in his presence he behaved terrible and even became rude; I kept telling myself that my mother just wanted to control me by turning me against her. She did not want me to put on makeup and she disliked certain clothes because it was not typical of a girl like me, according to her words.
Nothing to discredit the other
In a situation like this it is not easy to know how to react. The recommendations of the experts are very similar: although it is very tempting and seems the easiest way, it is advisable that parents do not intervene to discredit the person their son or daughter is with. “In adolescence this is counterproductive. When we criticize or judge we lose the opportunity to help. The first thing I recommend is approaching adolescents to verify that these behaviors that we observe are really taking place”, advises Sara Desirée Ruiz. If there is no doubt that this is the case, “it is important to make sure that the adolescent has also realized it, with questions that, a prioriThey seem innocent.”
For her part, Marina García suggests starting a talk starting with topics on which you agree: “Dialoguing from a common point of view makes it easier for the communication process to continue. It is difficult for them to listen to us if we start speaking from the disagreement or we want to make them see the mistake. From there you can try to ask them: “How do you feel about this situation?”.
Cecilia Martin Sanchez, co-director with García of the Psicode Institute of Psychology, proposes questions like these: “Do you think you suffer more than you should in your relationship? Does your partner tell you that you are always to blame for your arguments? Do you speak well of your friends? Do you feel free to make plans without him? Do you have the feeling that you have to ask permission for everything? Does it sometimes happen to you that you are afraid that he will get angry? o Is this the kind of relationship you want for the rest of your life?” According to this specialist, by answering these questions they will be the ones who name the toxicity they are experiencing: “When they verbalize it, not seeing it imposed by adults, they will be more likely to set limits on their partner.” And he also suggests not talking to them like children, but treating them like adults, so that they understand that their opinion is valid: “And even empathize with them, telling them about an experience with a toxic person is a good idea,” adds Martín.
After an unhealthy relationship
If it is important to know how to act while maintaining the relationship, it is also important when it ends. “It is interesting at that moment to sit down and reflect, to check whether the adolescent has learned from the experience. When a person allows things that they shouldn’t, we have to understand that a lack of social skills, low self-esteem, and an insecure attachment style can hide behind that allowing,” Ruiz continues. To which García adds that you have to identify the signs that warn that you were having a toxic relationship and write them in a notebook.
In case it is not easy to overcome it, experts recommend having a professional help the adolescent to get away from the victim image that he has of himself. The young Paula Delgado was clear about it: “I didn’t want it to happen to me again and I knew it wasn’t my fault. But I needed confirmation. And that they help me analyze the reason for my behavior.” So she went to a psychologist who helped her find answers.
Although the three specialists point out that there are young people who, due to lack of self-esteem or because they live with an insecure attachment, may be more prone to this type of relationship, Ruiz recalls that thinking that it will not happen to them is a way to protect themselves, but it is as inaccurate as thinking that it will happen to them. “The truth is that we don’t know,” he continues, “so I recommend preparing in case it happens, but without becoming obsessed with preventing it from happening, because that’s when fear makes us believe we’re in danger without being and we tend to make it difficult for them to develop.”
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