The Person column deals with readers’ interpersonal issues. This time, the reader ponders how children’s behavior may affect the relationship between adult friendships.
HS reader write:
My best friend and I have children at the age difference of one year. My own is sometimes really inflexible towards the smaller, and it is hard for me (as well as my friends) to be in those situations. Both, of course, understand their children’s reactions. Without children, everything is the same as before, but when children are involved in twisting their own affairs, it affects our relationship at least for a moment. What could be done to ensure that tensions between children or their own child’s behavior do not affect the adult relationship?
The problem is opened by Psychotherapist Hanna Lampi.
“The situation can think from a few different perspectives.
The inconvenience described by the questioner may be due in essence to the fact that two people raise their own children differently, and this creates awkward feelings for adults.
Parents are different from each other because each of us has our own history. For example, your own family background always affects parenting in some way. Differences in parenting habits and perceptions may therefore become apparent between friends and between adults in a new family, but also within the core family.
What the closer one is to someone, the more difficult it may be to find a place in the life of another child or children because that role cannot be fully chosen or defined by oneself. There are many things that affect its birth and development.
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Even children have the right not to be more interested in another’s company.
It is also the case that not everyone likes each other’s children, or the children themselves. Such attention can be a difficult and painful experience.
Not all children always become friends with each other. The connection is not a matter of course, and children have the right not to be more interested in the company of another. Of course, it is worth getting along and you can spend time together, but sometimes you just can’t find common ground.
Therapists think that talking about difficult feelings from your own point of view is good and helps clarify things.
So if you start a conversation, it’s best to start by telling yourself what you think and be empathetically curious about another person’s experience.
However, people don’t always discuss difficult things, and the discussion doesn’t always take them forward.
The discussion about upbringing or the dynamics of children can be easily heard as a critique of oneself or one’s own child. It is also worth thinking honestly about your own endurance: can you spend time and energy on this particular conversation. Children are growing up, and it may be that the situation is all the more easy.
It is then Different styles of breeding, but there are also different points in breeding. If both have one child, the younger parent may not have yet personally encountered the things the older parent has encountered.
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Sometimes adults expect children to have completely independent play and friend skills unnecessarily early.
In the dynamics between children, it is common for a bigger one to boss another, at least at a certain age. For a parent, it may seem really awkward, but the phenomenon is, so to speak, relevant.
Often, dilemmas between children come up in freer play. Sometimes adults expect children to have completely independent play and friend skills unnecessarily early. Of course, you can also meet without children, but it is not always possible or desirable.
If being together were more programmatic, would it reduce disputes between children? So could you try to suggest to the other a meeting that would include a program and activities that both children would like?
That wouldn’t be so much a looting time where children’s disputes are easily aroused. They can never be completely prevented, but they can be minimized. ”
Experts do not comment on individual cases in the column but address the issue at a general level.
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