In today's society, sexuality has become omnipresent. Around us. It is almost impossible to escape from it and, in reality, it is nothing new. That's how it's always been. Traditionally, this devastating desire, which leads many people to commit madness, betrayal and nonsense of all kinds every day driven by their libido, has been channeled through marriage, courtship, and sex in the marital bed with the partner. lifelong. However, when the passion of the first months disappears and the relationships begin to be long, the desire to have sex decreases considerably. A study published by the International Society for Sexual Medicine concluded that 35% of couples have an average of between one and three relationships a month. At its most extreme, it states that 5% of people with a partner did not have more than one or two sexual encounters a year. But what happens when, for whatever reasons, couple stops being synonymous with sex? Is it possible to continue? Is it possible for everything to flow satisfactorily by taking sex out of the equation?
“Relationships in which there is no sexual activity are more common than many people think. Especially if we understand by sexual activity the penetration associated with orgasm,” says Laura Morán, psychologist, family and couples therapist and sexologist, who has just published Perfectly imperfect (Destino, 2023), a book in which he gives various keys to making relationships work. “It usually happens because for many people sexual relations may be considered important, but they are not urgent. If we have to cross something off the list, we usually subtract hours from sleep and pleasure. Due to our frenetic pace of life, we give up things that are relevant, but not vital (although we usually make mistakes in that, for example, with eating and rest).”
“In general, having or not wanting to have sexual relations is usually a consequence of the conjunction of several individual elements and the relationship itself,” he continues. “One of the big problems can be stress which, in general, hinders our ability to experience pleasure because when you are 'alert' you are prepared to survive, not to enjoy. Furthermore, sexual relationships are the first to suffer when there are disagreements, conflicts or unresolved friction in the relationship. Many times, although the problem appears in bed, it has originated outside of it.”
Having children, with the change in dynamics that this implies, and suffering from a physical or mental health problem, are other factors that can dynamite the sexual regime of a relationship. “Although other times they are less 'serious' things,” says the doctor, “like both members of the couple simply find satisfaction in other shared activities.”
“There is no single rule that determines how much sex is normal within a couple. The frequency depends a lot on each relationship and the different stages of life,” says psychologist and sexologist Silvia Sanz, author of the book Sexamor (Aguilar, 2021). “Also, it should be noted that a lack of sexual activity does not always equate to there being a problem in the relationship. Many couples have a very good emotional connection and do not have very frequent sexual activity, while others have a very strong passion and physical intimacy, which is the fundamental or essential part of the relationship, and then they do not work in the rest of the areas. of the couple.”
The unbearable asymmetrical desire
Therefore, we could say that the short answer to the question we posed at the beginning of this article, whether it is possible to maintain a relationship with hardly any sex, is yes, of course it is possible, especially if both members of the couple They are on the same wavelength, and they find that cooperation, communication, sharing a common project (such as a family or a company), or a hobby shared and lived together is enough to continue.
However, problems arise when the desire is asymmetrical. “If one party wants to have sexual relations and the other doesn't, that's when problems arise,” says Morán. “Because it is very possible that the rejected person does not feel that only the physical act of going to bed is being rejected, but that he feels a rejection against his own person. That is why it is important to work on the 'nuances of no'. Saying that you don't want to have sexual relations does not necessarily mean that you reject the person, you simply decline sex with him or her. The problem is that if the situation drags on over time, it is not talked about, or it is only discussed, it ends up creating an unresolvable conflict between both.”
“In cases like this, the dynamics of the relationship are altered. The bond is strained,” explains Sanz. “Sometimes that feeling of emotional distance makes things bother you more, you are more irritable, you put yourself less in someone else's shoes, or you may feel frustrated. Self-esteem collapses: the person who does want to have sex feels unwanted, unattractive… And from there a whole series of problems can arise, such as infidelities and, in the last case, breakups.”
The harmful effects on our mental health of these situations of forced sexual abstinence within the couple are profoundly aggravated by comparison. People who are going through a situation like this tend to think that they are the only ones who have that specific problem while everyone else is enjoying sex to the fullest.
Without any desire to fall into the “evil of many, consolation of fools”, the truth is that this is evidently not the case. According to statistical data from the United States referenced in the magazine Psychology Today, between 14 and 15% of couples have sex infrequently. However, the media, movies and advertising sell us a very different image of all this. “We can come to feel very intense social pressure regarding what to expect from a partner in terms of the frequency of sexual activity, which will generate even more anxiety and stress,” says Sanz.
“The sexual freedom that we enjoy,” explains Morán, “seems to require constant sexual pleasure. Furthermore, before sex was something that was hidden and now we must expose it in some way on networks to be considered successful people. However, as sexologist Joserra Landa says, when we try to normalize something we tend to make it normative and they are two different things. It is convenient to naturalize human sexuality, alone and as a couple, but it should not be considered an obligation or an imposition, because that is incompatible with it being truly pleasurable.”
How to deal with the situation
Sex is often more important for what it implies than for the relationships themselves, since kissing, hugging, undressing, and giving and receiving pleasure involve communication, satisfaction, and generosity. It is an excellent way to strengthen the bond between two people. His absence makes everything more difficult for us, but not impossible.
“It is possible to enhance intimacy in a couple by improving communication, creating a solid foundation to seek other forms of intimacy that are not just sex,” explains Sanz. “Create moments, surprises, joint activities. In short, focus a lot on the good things we share, feel that emotional connection and that it keeps us together.”
“The first thing that should be clear is that sexual activity goes beyond our genitals and that caresses, kisses, hugs and complicit and intimate physical contact in a couple should also 'count' as sexual activity,” he points out. Moran. “Now, they are not substitutes for the orgasmic experience of sex. If this imbalance in desire occurs in a couple, I think the best thing you can do is take the opportunity to review why this is happening and what you can do together. Of course, they have to do it as a team, not as opponents,” he concludes.
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