Ice Law: Thus affects this form of undercover emotional abuse

That tense and prolonged silence in the time with which one person punishes another is, as the psychologist clarifies, a Undercover emotional abuse That hides one Dynamics of unequal power that can affect the self -esteem of the person who suffers. “Not only does he feel guilty, but he also has the need to give explanations or apologize about something that could actually be clarified with a conversation that the other does not allow him to have,” he says.

The supposed issue of controversy is thus unilaterally settled and the person who is the subject of this handling It remains without the possibility of knowing more, of clarifying some aspect or of giving the opportunity to build a solution joint to the conflict. An unequal dynamic is thus created in which the possible solution would imply that the person who is the object of that ice law apologizes or folds to the desires of the manipulator. «That causes a humiliating and abuse of power that makes it feel bad and that, if it occurs in a repeated way, it can lead him to think that the schism has opened because he was wrong, because he has done something wrong or even because It’s a bad person. He comes to believe that he is the only guilty of that situation, ”says Colomina.

But also if that type of punishment is in charge of a person who cares (a family member, the couple, a friendship …), will increase the feeling of suffering and abandonment and the need to repair how damage to that Relationship that has not caused and winning as soon as possible the approval of the other to feel connected again or in tune with that person. This can lead to justify the words, actions and attitude of the manipulator With phrases of the type: “It is going through a bad time”, “it must be very worried and that is why it has treated me like that,” “has very bad luck and I am not helping him,” “life is punishing him and does not have the to blame for like this, “” I shouldn’t have told him that “…. The question is, as Colomina precise, that the person who is suffering from that abuse is told Internal narrative story That in the end he ends up and even ends up giving truth attributes. Not only does he refuse to think that the other is hurting him, but also blames himself for not having been more aware of that person and comes to belittle his emotions, his feelings and even his body sensations. «Do not value enough to put limits to the treatment that the person who exercises the abuse is giving him. And this creates a relationship based on insecurity, ”adds the psychologist.

How to break the ice law

Breaking the ice law implies sufficient value to put limits, to say “no” to that type of abuse and free themselves from that tension and coldness with which the abuser is treating him. The key would be, according to Colomina, pass that culpability And that responsibility To the abuser. «We must explicitly manifest that silence is not an answer, that there are things to speak, that this person has not given the opportunity to resolve the conflict jointly and that whoever decides to stop talking to the other is responsible for the Situation created between them, ”he says.

The problem comes, according to the psychologist, when the person who is the subject of this type of manipulation has the Low self -esteem And also feel affection for the manipulator. «While one accumulates more and more tension, suffering and pain; The abuser takes the opportunity to feel that he is above the other, he is charged with reason and shows with the right to act that way, ”explains Colomina.

That is why for the psychologist it is essential to learn to Put healthy limits that allow to give sufficient value to understand that not only deserves a good treatment but also has the right to request affective communication, of mutual carewhich implies taking care of each other, taking care and asking for the care of the other.

How to act

Keep in mind that the way in which the Ice Law hurts or destabilizes the receiver depends on the links with the person who exercises that type of manipulation. “The closest the relationship or the more appreciation that person is, the more painful it will be and the more power it will give the other to harm him,” says Colomina.

In addition, the feeling of tension that generates that emptiness caused by silence creates more damage because the receiver has nothing objective or explicit behavior that can value or which can be grabbed to have an explanation of what happened. The responsibility is loaded on the abused: “It is you who has not done this, who has done this or who has said the other.” And that leads to the abused to repeat a guilt scheme: I have been because the other has done nothing, just shut up. He abuser weapon, Therefore, it is that silence that leaves in the abuse an uncomfortable vacuum that tries to resolve internally with some argument that fits in some way and that usually goes to blame what happened.

When these types of situations are identified, it is important that the person who is being subject to this type of manipulation stops analyzing and reflecting on the reciprocity of communication and care, as well as on the responsibility own and others.

This is a healthy relationship: mutual care

«A healthy, safe, reliable and mutual care relationship occurs when a person who knows that he needs that care; That it can be formalized in a hug, an active listening or a presence and in turn the other person, without saying anything, tune in with that need, responds and causes a feeling of relief, ”he says.

He mutual care It is based on the fact that each other relieves their sufferings through kind acts, care, love or mutual attention that makes both feel attended, seen, senses, recognized and sustained (not only heard). And that harmony with the other person implies that both feel and observe when that attention needs. And this, according to Colomina, is especially important in the current context, in which we give less attention to the signs and the signals of others.

But it is also important to stop to think that in a relationship there are three factors (the self, you and us) that their own space must have both in the field of the couple, friendship, family or work. “This implies that you have to take care of both the personal space of the ‘I’, and the ‘you’ and the space of the” we “relationship but without going to any of the extremes,” advises the psychologist.

This means, according to the expert, that although two people who have affection may have differences or disagreements, both can be treated with care and respect. “Everyone has to be clear about its value to meet and confront those differences from self -care and being clear that if the other is not willing to accept those differences, it is their responsibility,” he clarifies.

The body speaks

One of the best allies in interpersonal relationships is the body because, according to the psychologist, he is a pioneer in the field of information because he is the first to perceive what is happening. «If there is tension, this is manifested in different stimuli and these sensations become thoughts that in turn are interpreted by the mind; So it is convenient to listen well to the body to correctly interpret what is happening, ”says Colomina.

You have to stand, listen to the body, give power and credibility to what we feel and reflect on it because he knows well when something does not fit us or we don’t like it. “The body does not invent the information and is not wrong,” says the psychologist. A look, a way of speaking, a gesture or an attitude can give us much more information than we believe and can help put the necessary focus to know how, when and with whom we must set limits.

To be able to interpret those signs correctly, however, the psychologist explains that it may be useful to train them through the Psychotherapy supportbecause when some issues become frequent, repetitive and affect us to self -esteem can generate a pattern of tension and automated blocking in the body that is difficult to identify.

And after that therapy process in which you learn to interpret these signs, it will be possible to know what causes the damage and thus put limits to move in healthier relationships and make the necessary changes to relieve affliction. «Not only is it achieved over time, you also need a change of perspective to turn off that emotional ignition that makes that person try to explain what happens with the first that comes to mind to turn off that discomfort. But sometimes it is not possible to turn it off easily, nor do it disappear, nor escape that situation. Many times it is necessary to travel the discomfort, hold it and give it calm to get out of it once you have learned to observe correctly, ”he advises.

The psychologist explains that when an emotion is very intense, the affliction can get intoxicated the perception And that can lead to a erroneous interpretive bias. «There are no correct or incorrect decisions but functional (healthy) or dysfunctional (not healthy). It is necessary to get out of the bias of the anger of anger to observe from calm. And that discernment is only provided by mental calm and emotional balance, which is the one that allows to obtain a broader, clearer and wisest fan about where to place and where to locate the other, ”he concludes.