Last week a 17-year-old boy was stabbed in front of his high school in Gerena (Seville) by another 19-year-old boy. The reason would have been, presumably, a jealous quarrel. The typical “what are you doing looking at my girlfriend”. One more derivation of the construct domination-control-possession characteristic, by the way, of contexts of gender violence, which surpasses its idiosyncrasy to even influence the aggressiveness exercised towards other menespecially if it stems from sentimental rivalry.
This Tuesday a case with similar characteristics occurred: a man has stabbed another man to death, his ex-partner’s boyfriend, with several stabsa woman who has also been slightly injured, in a home in the Valladolid town of Viana de Cega.
Beyond cases of antisocial behavior or outbursts of anger, ideas of possession and belonging towards the partner they also motivate other forms of aggressive behavior. We see it through, for example, the instrumentalization of children in contexts of vicarious violenceor in the confrontation between men. Quarrels outside nightclubs, fights during recess, meeting up in squares to hit each other… as if punching a third party would solve a problem for two, or as if violence would solve something in general.
It is said that Disney did a lot of damage to the expectations of romantic love, but also certain cultural heritage continues to mark current issues. Like the medieval idea of fighting a duel for a lady as a demonstration of worth, although in reality there was a possible objectification of women when treated as a trophy without the right to opinion. The patterns derived from machismo manifest themselves in different ways and continue to influence adolescents.
Protection is often confused with possession and, in extremis, with coercion.
According to the last Youth and Gender Barometer44% of young people believe that the boy should protect your girl. But what does it mean to protect? Protection is often confused with possession and, in extremis, with coercion. Healthy protection is articulated in the I respectaffection, trust and care. Anything that is born from hostility usually ends in toxicity. The same study revealed another unique fact: 27% of those surveyed believe that jealousy is normal in a relationship, because it is “a proof of love.” Are they? Do we love better if we are accompanied by fear and insecurity? The difference between genders is notable. 37% of men agreed with that statement, compared to 17% of women.
Jealousy, depending on its configuration, can be harmless. They are universal. The cool thing lies in how to deal with them and prevent them from becoming possessive attachment. They can be cognitive, emotional or behavioral. Cognitive ones are those that are based on the interpretation of a threat, or the belief that the partner is involved with another person. Emotional ones involve feelings of anger, sadness or insecurity. Behavioral actions make up those actions that seek to confirm or mitigate the perceived threat through, for example, surveillance or confrontations.
It goes from simple insecurity to Othello syndrome, a disorder characterized by pathological and unfounded jealousy, also called delusional jealousy. Obsessive behaviors, anxiety, frustration and a loss of control emerge from it. Although a pathology is not necessary to cross the red line. It occurs in all social strata, cultures and ages. In the spring of 2020, an individual tried to stab another due to “disagreements due to jealousy” in the Balearic Islands. The crime of the councilor of Llanes, Javier Ardines, committed in 2018, was planned because the murderer had discovered that his wife and the councilor were maintaining a secret relationship. In March 2021, an ambulance driver stabbed a nurse in Madrid because he suspected that his partner was in a relationship with him. Last August, in Tudela de Duero, a man attacked another with a knife, also out of jealousy.
Insecurity is inherent to human beings. Infidelities, often, too. These are not cases of gender violence, but they do underlie similar dynamics. One more consequence of the idea of belonging. That’s why not only anger control techniques are urgently needed. It is, again, about learn to love. When feeling becomes possession and rivalry becomes revenge, it is not love.
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