What do you do when children plunder the drinks board? 6 parenting questions about good manners

Most parents agree that children from a certain age should eat with their mouth closed, say 'thank you' and take others into account. But what 'good manners' are is not always so clear. Is a white lie possible in favor of politeness? And what do you do when teenagers have their earphones in all day? In the Educated section, in which Annemiek Leclaire submits questions from readers to experts, many questions are asked along the lines of 'what should it actually be like?' NRC selected six with corresponding answers from experts.

1 Do children still learn good manners?

It seems as if children these days are taught fewer social skills and good manners, one reader notes. Approaching an adult, shaking hands and introducing yourself, it no longer seems obvious. While these skills can help emancipate disadvantaged children, the reader thinks. Is that right? And should school play a role in teaching 'good manners'?

A short moment of attention, for example during a greeting, is important in social interactions. This is how you shape it.

2 Can you allow teenagers to wear earphones all day?

A reader's teenagers always wear earplugs at home to listen to music. When the reader asks them something, they take out their ears, but it means that the mother makes fewer careless comments. She doesn't want to forbid listening, because then the teenagers will sit in their rooms. Are those ears something the reader has to get used to or can they make agreements about them?

It is not surprising that children seek out their own domain – literally or otherwise. There are disadvantages, but also advantages to wearing the caps.

3 To what extent do you encourage a child to honestly say what he or she thinks?

A mother teaches her children that it is good to be yourself. At the same time, she finds 'participation' important and that sometimes causes dilemmas. Can a child honestly say that he or she does not like a present? And should you say thank you for playing if it wasn't fun?

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Honesty and sincerity do not have to be mutually exclusive, say experts. And you don't necessarily have to give your opinion right away.

4 Is it possible to sing crude song lyrics at school?

“Honey bear, horny fagot, old cock, old pipe, I missed you, I missed you”, this is how the song from De Jeugd van Today starts, which a ten-year-old wants to rap during the school musical. A father wonders whether he should advise his son against this. When are children actually ready for these kinds of crude lyrics?

Parents should avoid young children make fun of themselves.

5 Are you allowed to click about what you read in a group app?

A mother reads – with permission – in her daughter's WhatsApp group. An eleven-year-old boy types that he was playing the computer game Fortnite with a 33-year-old guy and that he said he wanted to “fuck” a 'skin' (female figure). The sympathetic mother finds it alarming and wants to inform the boy's parents. But her daughter sees that as snitching.

Explain that parents are watching to protect their children. But don't lose your child's trust.

6 What do you do when children plunder the drinks table?

Enjoy a drink with the whole family. A grandmother enjoys this get-together, but is annoyed by the grandchildren who eat all the snacks in no time. Her own children used to get a bag of chips and lemonade when they had visitors and they would go play. Although she thinks it's nice that the children are now sitting at the table, she wonders: what should it actually be like?

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Parenting experts tell you how to teach children to keep pace.

Do you have questions about raising your own or other people's (grand)children?

In the Educated section, we anonymously submit readers' dilemmas to the best experts. We will raffle copies of the book among those who submit questions Other parents just do whatevera collection of the first volumes of the section.

I have a parenting question

This section is anonymous, because difficulties in parenting can be sensitive. If you submit a question, you will always receive a response from the author of the Raised section.

Annemiek Leclaire

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