Seven years ago, the story of Josh Avsec and Michelle Arendas went viral. They were two Tinder users who, after making a match in 2014, spent three years talking without ever meeting up. Avsec himself decided to upload a series of photos to X screenshots of their conversations so that people would know their unusual and curious relationship and The well-known app decided to intervene. “It’s time for you to meet up in real life. You have 24 hours to decide the city you want to have your first date in and we’ll send you there!” Although it is very common to find people who surprise themselves by starting conversations with potential dates without ever ending up in a physical meeting, in the case of Arendas and Avsec they finally did meet up physically and even started a relationship, but getting together is often complicated. So much so that there are even those who propose formulas to prevent a potential romantic interest from turning into a pen palthat is, someone who uses dating apps to talk, but never meets their interlocutor in person.
“By doing swypeyou would have to pay five euros, and in the event that there were matchboth would have to meet within a week or the money would not be returned. If either of them did ghosting or made a ridiculous excuse for not meeting up, they would lose their money and be banned from the app, no exceptions,” say the people behind the Instagram account Breakfast Shirts when reflecting on a video about those who do not take conversations to the physical plane. This phenomenology cannot become what is known as breadcrumbingwhich refers to someone who pays just enough attention to keep the other person interested, giving them long or crumbs of attention, with no intention of taking the relationship to the next step. “If someone notices that the other person’s effort is consistently limited and feels that there has been no progress, even though they have expressed their desire to take the relationship to the next phase, it may be a sign of breadcrumbing“,” says Dr. Caroline, Bumble’s sex and relationship expert.
Proof of how common it is for people to not meet up despite investing a lot of time in conversations is that there are those who state on their profiles that they are not looking for pen palsWhy is it becoming common for so many people to behave like this? Eva Campos Navarro, author of And I give you my heart (Plataforma Editorial, 2024). “It may be because people are looking for the perfect person who fits 100%, because they relate to a character that does not fit reality, because there are people who consume people to pass the time, because of shyness, because of emotional irresponsibility… Before, people used to use app dating sites to bring the relationship into the real world, but now, for many people, it is an end in itself, another hobby, like social networks can be,” he says.
“It may also be because insecurity blocks you and you feel that the other person will not like you physically, you are afraid of criticism or facing a date can cause you some fear and you prefer to have long conversations, but you do not dare to meet face to face. Of course, if you have lived through some traumatic or negative experience, it may hold you back when it comes to meeting up,” says Judith Mesa, a psychotherapist at Vivofácilwhich recommends having the first appointment between 7-15 days after having had conversations for WhatsApp, some phone call and even a video call.
Campos Navarro believes that it is important to set clear limits the moment you detect signs that the other person is resisting a physical encounter. “If someone wants to take the relationship to the real world, makes a certain number of proposals to meet up (I think three is a more than respectful number of times for oneself and the other person’s conditions) that are not accepted, the best thing to do is to cut the relationship off at the root, because it is possible that that person will never want to meet up,” she warns.
Meanwhile, Tinder applauds those people who, because they are introverted – one of the reasons that both the psychologist and the psychotherapist consulted agreed as one of the reasons why the first date takes so long to arrive – take longer to get up the courage to meet new people. As psychologist Viviane Hähne explains, the applications are specifically ideal for shy people, allowing them to think about their messages calmly. “It is advisable not to cancel dates at the last minute. This fact, unless there is a real reason, is called ‘avoidance behavior’ in psychology, and it only reinforces insecurities. Although it takes effort and you have to get out of the comfort zone, it is not recommended to cancel dates at the last minute. comfortit is worth facing your fears,” she explains. She says that online dating offers the opportunity to get to know each other more slowly and indicates that meeting someone online can be healthy, as it helps to better identify the red flags“Introverts are 15% more likely to look for friends on Tinder than extroverts and tend to take longer to open up and trust new people, spending more time establishing relationships and bonds with others. In return, these relationships tend to be deeper and more stable,” she adds.
According to Bumble, communication is key because of the constant changes that take place in the dating world, so the app encourages people to seek out and be clear about their expectations, as well as to have open conversations throughout each stage of dating, including talking about when to meet someone in person. “There is no specific time to meet someone. If singles want to quickly move to the next stage and meet in person, go for it! If they want to take more time, they should do that too. The only rule is to feel true to yourself in any situation,” they say.
It is normal that, given the weariness that exists towards apps and the bad experiences that so many people have had, for some people facing the world outside of screens again is terrifying and online conversations serve to feel in some way accompanied without having to face a meeting that could rekindle those unpleasant experiences previously experienced. However, communication is vital to not waste the time of those who are looking for a physical date.
#years #chatting #meeting #dating #apps #meet #person
