Failing is not always hitting a table, being hostile and shouting. Get angry Sometimes it is also to be in the most absolute silence. Or cry. It also implies on many occasions to breathe more deeply.
Anger or anger It is an emotion characterized by an intense feeling of disgust. It goes from frustration to the most intense anger, and as with any emotion, it includes a physiological response, such as the increase in heart rate); Intrusive thoughts, since sometimes we blame others or want revenge, and predictable behavior, such as the desire to attack verbally or physically. But although the latter is usually the most common, the truth is that most people do not. Do they repress it? Do you prefer not to externalize your discomfort? We talked to the coach Sonia Díaz Rois, author of ‘And if I get angry, what?’, About the importance of externalizing anger but in turn not losing energy for nonsense.
– What a bad reputation is angry, right?
The anger has a very bad reputation, yes. Many of us learned to suppress it from an early age, to see it as something negative, as if feeling it means that we are exaggerated or complicated people. We have demonized it so much that, today, getting angry can make you perceive as someone toxic, immature or egocentric.
– Do you always have a negative connotation?
Many people feel guilty to get angry, others explode without knowing how to avoid it, and many simply have no idea how to express it. I realized that there was a real need to understand this emotion from another place: not as something to be eliminated, but as a tool that, well managed, can help us live better.
We usually pay attention to fear, sadness and we are interested in that person we see that he suffers, that he has a bad time and that he may need our help. But the same does not happen with anger. When we see someone angry, we usually disapprove that behavior, we turn around and ignore him. And the truth is that anger also suffers, and much, in addition to being hiding other emotions to which we would pay attention.
“We must not suppress the anger but decipher what we are telling us and see what we do with that information”
– What is really angry?
The anger is like an internal alarm that tells you: “Hey, something is not going well.” Its function is to drive ourselves to take action. Sometimes with reason and sometimes not so much, because we have set up a movie with our own script.
There are anger that are absolutely necessary and that help us to set limits and say “so far”, others serve to express our point of view, negotiate and reach agreements. And then there are those anger that are born more of our expectations than of reality, and that is when it is time to become a good car before exploding. In the background, getting angry is a way to defend what we value and consider important, be it real or an expectation that we have created.
If we observe it from a biological point of view, anger is a natural reaction of the body and mind to something we perceive as a threat. Activate our sympathetic nervous system and prepares us to defend ourselves. But not everything is chemistry and biology: anger also has a great social and emotional burden. The way we express it is influenced by our experiences, beliefs, values and what we have learned throughout life.
– What has led him to write a book about anger?
When Sole, my editor, proposed to write a book on the subject, I saw the perfect opportunity to put in words all this telling clearly, enjoyable and with a touch of humor. Thus the book was born, as a guide that inspires us to change our relationship with this emotion, understand and start using it in our favor.
– When do we learn to get angry? Is it in childhood?
Like the rest of emotions, anger is not learned, we bring it standard. What we do learn is what to do with him. Since childhood we incorporate in our personal USB what we see: how emotions are expressed, what is considered adequate and what not, what reactions generate approval and which rejection. If a child sees that every time he gets angry they punish or ignore him, he will learn that he should not express that emotion and, over time, he will repress it or manifest it indirectly. If, on the contrary, it grows in an environment where anger is validated and taught to manage it, you will have more tools to express it properly in your adult life. The point is that no one gives us an instruction manual to manage anger, so many come to adult life without having any idea what to do with it.
“Our way of acting before anger depends on the information we have been accumulating”
– We understand this emotion as something negative, but is it always bad?
Not at all. The anger is neither good nor bad, it is another emotion. Its function is to let us know that we don’t like something, that someone has crossed a limit or that we are overloaded. The problem is not to feel angry, but what we do with him.
– How would we have to manage it so that it does not hurt us?
To manage it well and that it really helps us is key to pay attention to the accompanying thoughts. Our way of acting before anger depends on the information we have been accumulating, our experience and what we learned in the past on how to solve similar situations.
My first recommendation would be to identify a scale in which we can clearly observe at what point we are. In the first place we can place the anger, which allows us to feel the emotion and manage it taking into account what we want to achieve and its consequences. Next, we place the anger, which is the point of no return since it is here when we begin to lose the papers, the mental clarity and the ability to reason properly. In the last place will be anger, which will be the emotional burden of anger and that clounts us so much that it takes us away from the ability to manage and solve.
– What if we repress it?
If we repress it, you can go out in a unhealthy way or even get stuck. On the other hand, if we learn to listen to it, we can understand if it is an internal need that we must solve on our own or if it is something that we need to express and manage with someone else.
When we manage it properly, anger becomes a self -knowledge tool that helps us put limits, express our needs and act in a more conscious and beneficial way, both for us and others.
– There are things that hurt us and sometimes we force ourselves to think ‘Do not get angry about this’ … Where is that line between something that deserves anger and something that doesn’t?
When something hurts, we often repeat ourselves: “Do not get angry about this”, as if the anger were optional. But the point is that anger does not need permission to exist. If we feel it, it’s for something. The important thing is not to ask ourselves if “deserves” or not being there, but understand why he is there and what we want to do with him.
Sometimes we get angry because they have crossed a limit or because there is a real injustice. Other times, anger arises from an interpretation, from expectations that have not been met or even of issues related to the past that are activated without us noticing. Instead of denying it, we can ask ourselves: “Is this anger pointing something real or is it an automatic reaction?”
– Many people say: “I get angry with nonsense” …
If we look more closely at those ‘nonsense’, we may find something deeper than we imagined. It is not about suppressing the anger, but about deciphering what we are telling us and deciding what we do with that information.
The real question is not whether or not something deserves, but if that anger is helping us solve something or is simply getting worse. And there we can ask ourselves: “Do I really want to invest my energy in this?” And if the answer is yes, the next question would be: “What do I need to solve it?” Because getting angry without more we already know that it is easy, but using the anger in our favor is where the key is.
“Many people have learned to disconnect so much from their anger that they don’t even recognize it until it manifests itself in other ways: anxiety, exhaustion …”
– On the other hand, there are people who seem to never get angry … What is it?
In many cases, it is not that they do not get angry, but have learned to suppress it. There are people who have grown in environments where anger was not allowed, where silence or complacency was rewarded. There are also those who have learned to disconnect so much from their anger that do not recognize it until it manifests itself in other ways: anxiety, exhaustion, physical discomfort. Not angry is never synonymous with emotional balance, but rather a sign that something is repressing. And we already know that what is swept under the carpet, sooner or later, ends up.
On the other hand, there are also people who seem not to get angry because they have learned to manage anger in such an effective way that it does not even seem anger. It is not that they do not feel it, they express it without shouting, without explosions, without unnecessary dramas. And that, in reality, is the goal. Because anger does not need to be denied, but heard and understood. Learning to speak your language – that is, to develop good assertive communication – allows us to express what we feel without losing ourselves in emotional chaos.
– Let’s say, therefore, that the key to everything is to accept anger and identify it
The anger is necessary. Thus we can start by realizing that we are angry. It sounds obvious, but sometimes we denied it, we throw balls out and blame others until we hunt arguing with the coffee maker, with the first one that passes or, directly, with the entire universe. So the first thing is to listen to it without judging it.
Once detected, give it space without reacting in automatic. Breathe, count to ten, go for a walk … anything that takes us out of Hulk mode before opening our mouths. The goal is to avoid an immediate reaction. Techniques such as conscious breathing, physical movement or simply change the focus of attention for a few minutes to get out of that state come into play.
– And when we have identified, what do we do?
You have to do your best to understand what you want to tell us. Some useful questions are: “What part of me feels threatened?”, “What is that so important to me that seems to be at stake?”, “What do I really need?”
From there, decide if it is necessary to share it with someone else. If so, express it clearly and without dramatizing. “How can I express this without attacking or suppressing it?” Instead of a “always the same, you never listen to me!” And falling into generalization, we can try a “when this happens, I feel that way, and I would like …” and focus on something concrete. Basically, that is, the same but without looking like an erupting volcano. In this way we will be preventing the other person from feeling threatened and does not want to listen to us.
– After all, it’s not so bad to be angry …
The important thing is to realize that we are angry and understand our own needs before sharing them with others. Because if we are not sure what we are defending and why we feel threatened, we will rarely be able to express ourselves clearly. And that is when the communication is entangled.
In addition, when we manage the anger well, we avoid emotional overloads and we do not end up shouting in search of desperate attention. Thus, we can express our needs and preferences, respecting and respecting others.
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