Mothers Are Ruthlessly Photoshopping Their Kids For Likes On Social Media. How Is This Killing Their Self-Esteem?

Drawing a beautiful picture of a happy life on social networks is a daily puzzle for many users. In pursuit of approval from unfamiliar commentators, women show not only luxurious purchases and trips, but also a flawless appearance, which is usually far from reality. To gain recognition, they reduce their proportions, cleanse their skin, increase their shapes and apply various filters. Some of them go even further: without thinking about the consequences, they “improve” not only themselves, but also their children. Who are Facetune mothers and how a love of retouching destroys a child’s psyche — Lenta.ru investigated.

How and why do mothers retouch photos of their children?

In late May, 22-year-old Asian-American Sabrina Coleman gained popularity on TikTok when complained her mother’s addiction to the retouching app Facetune. In the video, which has been viewed more than a million times, the girl claims that whenever they take pictures together and her mother wants to post them on social media, they undergo the same changes. Typically, the woman lightens her daughter’s skin and reduces the size of her face and hands.

Coleman said she first discovered retouched photos of herself on her mother’s smartphone when she was a teenager. She says her mother had simply changed her skin tone and cleared up her acne. But they were on different social media platforms at the time, so she didn’t pay much attention to the discovery. However, a few years later, when she entered college and gained weight, it happened again.

In China, where her mother grew up, being thin and fair-skinned is very important, Coleman said. “I wasn’t upset because I knew the reasons for this behavior,” she explained. “I worked hard to develop a healthy relationship with my body and learned to accept myself. I hope my mother can do the same one day.”

Another US resident, 25-year-old Tammy Angie, shared a similar problem. She always thought it was normal for mothers to “improve” their children’s appearance for the sake of a perfect picture on social media. “Every time I send my mom my photos, she retouches them on Meitu and only then posts them,” she said. “When I first noticed it, I thought, ‘Wow, my mom doesn’t like the way I look.’”

Both of these women retouched not only their children’s figures and faces, but their own. Sabrina Coleman and Tammy Angie attribute this to their backgrounds, as their mothers were victims of false beauty stereotypes that exist in Asian countries. For this reason, the TikTokers have never discussed this behavior with their mothers and do not hold a grudge against them. “It’s not that she doesn’t love me or doesn’t think I’m beautiful. She’s just trying to fit into Chinese standards,” Angie concluded.

Where did your passion for Photoshop come from?

According to Charlotte Markey, a professor of psychology at Rutgers University, this seemingly insignificant act by parents can cause serious moral damage to a child, because he perceives it as nothing other than “my mother wants me to look different.”

“You’re changing their appearance, and that’s helping to pass on unrealistic ideals of beauty from generation to generation,” the professor notes. In other words, mothers who Photoshop their children risk giving them the same kind of insecurity they suffer from.

Like women who force unhealthy diets and grueling workouts on themselves and their children, the Facetune generation of moms is a relic of the “diet culture” of the 1970s-1990s, Markey says. Back then, many of today’s mothers resorted to dangerous pills and sugar-free alternative foods in pursuit of thinness, which they still can’t give up. Meanwhile, the body-positive movement only emerged in the late 1990s, and the concept of body neutrality was popularized in 2015.

How to talk to parents about the problem?

Caroline (whose last name is withheld), 21, first noticed her mother airbrushing her photos when she was 13 and suffering from cystic acne. “It made me feel like I should look different. And it definitely led to body image issues,” she said. She added that her mother not only posts airbrushed photos on Facebook (a social network banned in Russia; belongs to the Meta corporation, which is recognized as extremist in the Russian Federation and banned)but also hangs printed versions of them around the apartment. In addition, Caroline has repeatedly noticed that her mother straightens her brother’s teeth in the pictures.

Unlike Coleman and Angie, Caroline decided to raise the issue in a frank conversation with her mother and a psychologist. At 16, she invited her mother to a session and spoke openly about the negative emotions she felt about the photoshopped images. “She was upset. From that moment on, she went into individual therapy and became aware of her problems,” Caroline recalls. Today, mother and daughter have a warm, trusting relationship, but Caroline says that conversation in the presence of a therapist was the most difficult of her life.

Charlotte Markey believes Caroline has chosen the best strategy to deal with the problem. For children who want to have a similar conversation with their
parents, the psychologist suggests starting with questions rather than accusations. “A child can ask their mother why she edits the image and what is wrong with leaving it untouched. Then you can encourage her to choose the photo to publish and the retouching options together,” she recommends.

The professor also emphasizes that using apps to correct minor things — for example, removing food particles between teeth or hairs from clothing — is completely harmless. But when it comes to cardinal changes — skin tone, eye shape, smile or body type — the consequences for the child’s psyche can be irreversible.

Vasilisa Kuleshova, a specialist in crisis psychology and behavioral analysis, in turn, identifies several reasons for mothers’ addiction to retouching their children’s faces. On the one hand, it could be an inferiority complex, provoked by constant comparisons of themselves and their family members with the ideal picture that is broadcast by other social media users.

The point of content is to look as attractive as possible. People are faced with the feeling that their photos are not bright enough, the children in them are not beautiful enough, and life in general is not joyful enough. To touch this feeling of joy, they use Photoshop

Vasilisa Kuleshovapsychologist

On the other hand, according to Kuleshova, the perception of one’s own image in a photo can tell a lot about psychological deviations. In this case, we are talking about narcissistic splitting, which is formed due to the discrepancy between expectations and reality. When a person sees reality in a photo, he has a feeling of shame and disappointment, and in order to get rid of it, he changes reality with the help of retouching.

Finally, the source of the problem may be a false idea of ​​motherhood and anxiety about performing parental functions. “There is a need to feel like a good parent, which means there is dissatisfaction in this matter. In search of external approval, the mother posts retouched photos, and then receives a bunch of words of support confirming that she is a cool parent who has beautiful and happy children. This allows her to feel a little better,” the expert explains.

There is no point in condemning such mothers, Kuleshova agrees with the foreign psychologist. “We live in a world where 90 percent of people are addicted to social networks. This is a real disease that destroys thousands of lives. The need to look better than you really are makes us susceptible to mental disorders of the narcissistic spectrum,” the specialist sums up.