You wouldn’t let your partner hit you, would you? That is what people who experience partner violence often hear. As a result, they are often less likely to seek help and tell their story. Psychologist Ellen Huijsmans knows this from experience. By sharing her own story, she hopes to remove fear and shame, also from the ‘perpetrators’ of intimate partner violence.
Psychologist Ellen Huijsmans (43) was in an abusive relationship for three and a half years. Her then boyfriend tried to gain power over her in their relationship through physical and emotional violence. At least, that’s how she can look at it now.
Huijsmans says that she was brainwashed in her relationship. “I was always blamed when I got hit again. Although he isolated me from my surroundings, I thought it was my fault that I didn’t see my friends anymore. He always managed to turn it so that I thought I hadn’t done it right.”
Although Huijsmans now realizes that it was not her fault and that because of the fear and abuse she could no longer think and act clearly, history still plays a role in her life on a daily basis. “The wounds that intimate partner violence has left are so incredibly deep.”
Makeup
From the Monitor domestic violence and child abuse According to the CBS, 1.2 million Dutch people aged 16 or older have experienced domestic violence in 2020. A large group is confronted with it every day. In more than 60 percent of the cases, it concerns intimate partner violence.
This makes intimate partner violence the most common form of domestic violence, according to the site Domestic Violence.nl of the Ministry of Health, Welfare and Sport. According to the European Union Agency for Fundamental Rights (FRA), intimate partner violence affects more women than men: 60 to 40 percent.
They say to me: ‘You are a smart, sweet and strong woman, how come you were beaten?’
Many people who come from an abusive relationship do not dare to talk about it because of the taboo surrounding it, says Huijsmans. You don’t just let your partner hit you, do you? That is also the reaction that the psychologist hears when she tells her story. “They say to me: ‘You are a smart, sweet and strong woman, how come you were beaten?'” But it doesn’t work that way. Huijsmans explains that for every hit and remark you get, there is a ‘good reason’ given.
That way you don’t think about asking for help. The step to get help is even bigger if you feel you are insecure about your life. ,,He closed my throat once, that I didn’t know if I would survive. I was afraid of what would happen if someone found out.”
With make-up, long sleeves and hair over his face so that no one could see how hard he had pulled on it, Huijsmans tried to hide the violence. In addition, she continued to do her best to be a hard-working student and to appear nice. “I did everything I could to be considered okay in the outside world.”
Victims and perpetrators
An operation on her leg eventually ensured that she managed to ‘escape’. “I knew he wouldn’t be able to take care of me after that surgery, so I went to my parents.”
About a year later, after she shared the story with her parents and contacted her ex again, she arranged a contact ban through a lawyer friend. But that didn’t stop the fear. “I lived an invisible existence for years, because I didn’t want to run the risk that he might track me down. Because of that fear, I did not file a report.”
There are also other solutions, such as an outpatient program to continue the relationship without violence or to break up in a good way.
Huijsmans never thought of a stay-at-home house or Safe Home, because she thought her situation wasn’t bad enough. According to Moviera, an organization that works to prevent, combat and stop domestic violence, this is one of the reasons why many people do not seek help.
The organization wonders whether everyone is aware of the total aid offer. “You really don’t have to be placed in a shelter right away. There are also other solutions, such as an ambulatory route to continue the relationship without violence or to break up in a good way,” says a spokesperson.
Black eye
Huijsmans thinks she could have left the relationship sooner if she could have discussed her concerns and felt that there were people standing next to her. That is why she wants to remove the subject from the taboo sphere.
“There must be a safe place where people can share their doubts. For example, I helped a woman by responding to her question on a forum. She felt that something was not right with her relationship, I then told her that she could choose for herself and leave. Months later I received a response that she had indeed done so and that she was grateful to me.”
My then boyfriend could really think clearly, but I think he was very confused with himself
In addition, the environment – so in addition to friends and neighbors also teachers, mentors and employers – should learn to recognize signals earlier, says Huijsmans. “A black eye is always something people immediately think of. My eyes were not blue. If there was anything to see, I darkened both eyes with eyeshadow to make it look like I had bags under my eyes.”
Someone who behaves differently is also a signal. ,,I got a lower grade for an internship during my Psychology degree because I didn’t participate very socially. Why didn’t anyone ask why I did that? It probably didn’t occur to them that something like intimate partner violence was at the root of it. I don’t blame them, but it would have been nice if I had felt someone next to me then.”
survived
Ultimately, Huijsmans hopes that the partners who commit the violence will also feel more room to seek help. She also wants us to stop calling anyone ‘perpetrator’. ,,My boyfriend at the time could really think clearly, but I think he was very confused with himself. That doesn’t justify the violence, but we were stuck together in a pattern because of that. Only I was the one who had to take the blows because he couldn’t express himself in any other way.”
And the impact of this is still visible at Huijsmans. Her previous relationships were difficult as she continued to adjust to the other. She also wonders almost daily if she is okay. ,,That was perhaps already in me, but he rammed it in four times harder, both with language and clapping. I constantly ask myself: is it okay what I’m doing, am I not too much, haven’t I asked too much? I survived, I managed to escape. But that feeling never goes away. Now that I open up, I feel that there are people standing next to me. I hope this feeling can slowly soften.”
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