Divorce often ends in unhealthy and unhappy unions. What may initially seem negative, harmful and even very sad, especially when there are children involved, can ultimately turn out to be the best solution for a family. “All children suffer from anxiety when their parents separate, and the way they deal with this new situation will depend on their personality, age and the specific conditions and circumstances of the divorce process,” she says. Miguel Angel Rizaldosa psychologist expert in child therapy and author of several books on family psychology such as A guide for parents in a hurry (Vital Editores, 2019). Cristina García de Ribera, pediatrician and member of the Health Promotion Committee of the Spanish Association of Pediatrics (AEPED)agrees that a separation always represents a source of emotional stress: “It usually leads to imbalances among family members, accompanied by consequences in the lives of children at an economic, academic, social and psycho-emotional level. However, if it is faced in a friendly manner, the factors of deregulation can decrease and the adjustments can be good for all members.”
According to Rizaldos, Every separation process has consequences for children: “In almost all cases, the first reactions are usually shock, sadness, frustration, worry and anger.” “But some children can also emerge from a divorce process strengthened and prepared to deal with stress in the future, becoming more tolerant and flexible people,” he adds. According to this expert, not all children act and react the same way immediately to their parents’ separation: “It is advisable to let your child know that the subject will be discussed when they are ready, since some children act as if nothing is happening, others try to please their parents excessively or they may try to inhibit negative feelings and say that they are not sad or angry.”
There are also cases where children begin to misbehave or their academic performance worsens. “When a child experiences a conflict, this generates anxiety and cognitive dissonance, which often causes them to align themselves with one of their parents instead of the other to alleviate their discomfort, or to resort to external and unhealthy outlets to express their feelings,” explains García de Ribera.
Ways to help a child cope with divorce
There are some formulas that can help a minor to go through a separation process in an effective and non-traumatic way. For the pediatrician and child and adolescent psychiatrist Lefa Sarane Eddy, the first thing is to accompany them and help them recognize and accept the separation as something real, something for which they are neither guilty nor responsible. “They must accept that one of the two parents will not be as present, and give up thinking that they will return to being a united family, but that they will continue to provide the necessary protection and care separately without having to choose between them,” explains the member of the Society of Child Psychiatry of the AEP.
In addition, this expert stresses that it is essential to help children channel and overcome any feelings of resentment, guilt or blame towards either parent. “The important thing is to make them understand that these are normal feelings and that they will be there to help them overcome them,” says Sarane. “It is common in many cases to move. Changing schools, neighborhoods, and even cities can be a cause of conflict. Above all, children should not have very high expectations that their children’s new relationships will compensate for other losses. They must be made to see that until then their parents shared with them all the good moments of love and that, even though they are no longer together, they will continue to love their children.”
Finally, García de Ribera clarifies that children should never be mixed up or involved in their parents’ problems. “Children can never act as intermediaries, children are not anyone’s property and do not have an owner, but rather they have feelings that must be taken care of.” The Health Promotion Committee of the Spanish Association of Pediatrics has a help manual —downloadable on their website— available to all parents who require guidance or advice on how to manage an amicable separation. “Ultimately, in a divorce process, minors are the most affected and vulnerable, so one should avoid making hasty, impulsive, immature or absurd decisions out of pride or other reasons,” García de Ribera sums up.
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