Confusing control, threats and insults with love: “I felt like I couldn’t be without him”

Isabel and Sofía met only a year ago, but there is something that unites them from day one: both were victims of gender violence when they were very young. In Isabel’s case, she suffered it between the ages of 14 and 16. Sofía, between 15 and 18. Isabel and Sofía are fictitious names, because they do not want their attackers to identify them. Their stories are very similar. They remember that at the beginning of relationships “everything was wonderful and romantic”, as first loves usually start. Eventually manipulation and control began. Their partners began to question what they did, the clothes they wore, who they saw themselves with. Suddenly they were isolated. Their nuclei were their partners.

“Do you think you would have gotten out of the relationship by yourself, if your parents hadn’t forced you to quit?” Sofia asks Isabel.

-No no no.

-Are you sure?

—Yes, aunt, because I had already found out that he cheated on me, beat me up, insulted me. And in the end, who was always there? I — ditch Isabel.

Both friends were victims of psychological control violence. The most frequent ways of exercising this sexist violence, according to the Ministry of Equality, consist of ridiculing or humiliating the woman, insisting on knowing where she is or getting angry if she talks to other men. It usually starts out subtly and, in the case of younger girls, it often happens through social media. The abuse does not depend, therefore, on physical presence, but can be exercised at a distance and in a much more constant way. It is the most common gender violence among young couples: it affects one in four girls aged 16 to 17, according to the latest Macro-survey on Gender Equality Violence published in 2019. The percentage of women who have suffered control violence rises to 63.5% when the age range is extended to 24 years, almost double than in 2015.

Isabel remembers that in her case the relationship went awry after eight months. He gives an example of those first comments that later became a pattern of abuse that lasted two years: “He saw a profile photo in which I was sitting in shorts and he told me that his friends thought I was slutty. What did I do? Well change the photo. He didn’t want his friends to think that of me. ” It was their first relationship and she did not know that this was not normal. From there he began to prohibit her many things: the amount of makeup she put on, who she talked to in class, where she went. In time came the threats and humiliations. He bombarded her with messages in which he insulted her: “He told me she was an asshole, an idiot, a useless, a crybaby and that she was worthless.” And yet I was still there. Because I felt that I could not be without him ”, admits the young woman, who is now 20 years old.

The myth of romantic love

The normalization of gender-based violence in young couples can be attributed in part, according to experts, to what is known as the myth of romantic love. At report It is not love, Published in October, Save the Children defines this myth as a series of fables regarding relationships in which certain forms and violent behaviors are legitimized within the sphere of the couple, such as conflict, absolute surrender or jealousy. All under the premise of love. Cristina Sanjuán, responsible for violence against children of the NGO, explains that it is important to focus on the prevalence of this myth in the relationships of those under 18 years of age because they are “in a vital stage of the formation of their identity” . Adolescents, according to the aforementioned report, see this myth in series or in movies and, whether they want to or not, it ends up becoming their reference of love. They develop a notion of relationships that includes controlling violence.

I felt that all the physical violence was my fault. I thought that I had done it wrong and that I deserved it

Isabel (not her real name), survivor of sexist violence between the ages of 14 and 16

This myth can lead to even more explosive assaults, such as physical and sexual violence. Isabel experienced this firsthand. Her ex-boyfriend started shoving every time he got mad at her. “From there he started hitting me, hitting me, spitting on me, pulling my hair,” he details. After each physical attack he asked her forgiveness, but he also told her that it was his fault, that Isabel had angered him and that is why he had reacted in that way. “I felt that all the physical violence was my fault. I thought that I had done it wrong and that, therefore, I deserved it ”, Isabel admits. “I was very young and I was forming as a person. In the end I was learning that this was normal. I thought that if I did not consent to him I would lose him, and without him I was nothing ”, he sums up.

Neither Isabel nor Sofía knew that they were victims of gender violence until after they had left it with their partners. During relationships, both of them blamed themselves for the abuse they suffered. It wasn’t until they went to therapy that they could identify as battered women. Now 21, Sofía reflects on why she couldn’t differentiate between love and a toxic relationship like the one she had. He comes to a conclusion: “We have no references about what a healthy relationship is like.” The only references they had were those they saw on television. “We have grown up with movies like Three meters over the sky. Our referents of love are bad guys like Hache [el protagonista]: the violent and aggressive boy, but who defends and protects you. Seeing that, I thought I wanted an Ax too. But now that I think about it in perspective, I know that if I met a guy like that I would turn around, “he says.

Anna Sanmartín, deputy director of the Reina Sofía Center on Adolescence and Youth of the Foundation for Help against Drug Addiction (FAD, which also prepares gender studies and reports), explains that one of the reasons why control violence has increased is because Little by little the girls have been learning how to identify and report attacks of this type. “We have been talking about violence in the plural for a short time and the different ways in which it is carried out,” he says. Therefore, “it is normal for the total number of women who admit to having suffered this type of violence to rise, because now they know how to identify it.”

However, Sanmartín highlights that, in general, it is a violence that continues to be normalized, especially among boys. It refers to the fact that one in five men between 15 and 29 years old considers that sexist violence does not exist and that it is only an “ideological invention”, according to the FAD barometer on youth and gender published in September. This figure has doubled in four years, when this survey began. In addition, 15.4% of the boys surveyed think that, if it is of low intensity, gender violence is not a problem for the relationship. “This is a setback”, sentence Sanmartín. It is especially worrying considering that, in Spain, 4% of the 1,113 women killed by sexist violence from 2003 to last October were under 21 years of age, according to the latest report from the General Council of the Judiciary. There have been 45 girls. Of these, 13 were minors.

The lack of affective-sexual education: “I did not know anything about gender violence”

All the girls consulted for this report agree that more should be said about violence against women in schools. Camila, at 17, did not know how to qualify as sexist violence the fact that her ex-boyfriend dictated how she dressed, when she saw her friends, if she had Instagram or not. She endured three years with him. During that time he physically assaulted her on different occasions. “I did not know anything about gender violence. If someone had taught me to detect that this was not love, surely I would have left it from the beginning, “he concludes.

María Acaso, a researcher in education and art, sees two big problems. “One: the absence of an affective-sexual education.” This type of teaching is provided for both in the latest education law – known as the Celaá law– as in the new law for the protection of children approved last August. But its implementation remains a pending issue. “We have to design a subject specifically dedicated to affective-sexual education, which is compulsory, transversal and continuous” from an early age, Acaso points out. In addition, he adds that the analysis of the image should be discussed, so that adolescents know how to reject pornography as a sexual reference or differentiate between a healthy relationship and the myth of romantic love.

The latter has to do with the second problem that Perhaps was referring to: the consumption of pornography among adolescents. In Spain, seven out of 10 adolescents between the ages of 13 and 17 consume it frequently, according to a survey published a year ago by Save the Children. Furthermore, just over half of minors (54.1%) believe that pornography provides ideas for their own sexual experiences. Perhaps it explains that this continued access to pornography makes “hegemonic sex naturalize”, as well as the relationships marked by control. “There is the danger, because they do not know other alternatives,” he concludes.

I never enjoyed sex with him. I did it to please him and for me that was fine

Massi, survivor of sexist violence between the ages of 13 and 18

Massi started with her partner at the age of 13. They were together for five years, with breaks in between. From the beginning, she was sleeping with her boyfriend not because she felt like it, but because she wanted to satisfy him. “I never enjoyed sex with him. I did it to please him and that was fine for me, ”he confesses. Until one day, he explains, he decided to incorporate a sex toy to try to feel pleasure during sex. “The problem arose when we were in a position that was comfortable for both of us, in which I could use the toy and he could enjoy himself,” he says. He wanted to change position, but she asked him to wait. “He replied that the important thing was that he arrived, not me.” Massi remembers trying to get up and get dressed to leave. He, angry and incredulous, tried several times to take her clothes off and forcibly kiss her while she rejected him. In the end he let her out of the room.

Even so, Massi returned to him some time later: “I never felt controlled because I wanted to be there for him.” Massi was never taught to identify and reject violent behavior at the hands of her partner. “I was not able to realize that he was treating me badly. Or maybe I didn’t want to see it, “he admits. The last memory she has with her ex-boyfriend was the last time they slept. When asked to use protection, he refused: “He told me that he didn’t know what he wanted me to wear it for if the rest of the time he hadn’t put it on.” Massi always asked her to bring a condom, but she had never stopped to check it. “I trusted him,” he laments.