The saddest thing is often not what has happened to us, but how we have understood and interpreted it all, writes Maaret Kallio.
You are for sure read hero stories about a man who has wonderfully won his battle.
He has been really tough, extremely exhausted and has already given up almost everything. But then, he woke up quickly, fought off the old one and updated his life. Transformed himself into a new one.
You may have heard stories of mocking the past self. Let’s talk about our own shortcomings, resent fears or show off how we got a spanking as a child. Criticism and contempt for stupidity, depression, torturous inadequacy. That’s what you got, fool. Fortunately, I got rid of you!
Then there are the enormous ones who never tell their pains and don’t get to their surface. They enclose everything inside, penetrate their minds into the deepest basements, and remain heavily silent. Persevering days and crying nights. Condemning, shaming and rejecting their pain.
Reject themselves.
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Has difficulty become an object of struggle or a restful part of me?
Many people the past includes very difficult episodes, severe illnesses, unreasonable experiences, or insecurity. Just as we would like everything to go well and comfortably, it doesn’t go that often. Human life involves suffering and pain that is very familiar to many of us.
The saddest thing is often not what has happened to us, but how we have understood and interpreted it in ourselves. Has difficulty become an object of struggle or a restful part of me? Is weakness a part of your own life or something you need to get rid of?
For some, it is remarkably important to show that the weakness was overcome, fought against, and the victory brought home in large numbers. Some view the past self and even their abusive experiences mockingly and coldly. It was as if there had been some intolerable evil in itself that had to be got rid of.
Some remain silent, hide, and disappear with their suffering. Shame closes the mouth when the most terrible pain is hidden.
But it is difficult to recover from what must not be accepted as part of oneself or seen tenderly in the eyes of others.
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In difficulty, peace is decided – not victory, forgetfulness or straightforward strength.
As in us everyone is strong, we are also very much weak.
The way you tell about past difficulties, traumas, and exhaustion tells you even more about the narrator than about the event. What kind of relationship has you managed to create awkwardly or weakly in yourself or in your own life? Has it really recovered from the hard or just woven a tense story over it?
The cold hardness, the bloody taste of battle, the nullification, the mockery, the shameful silence, or the frantic need to get rid of them speak to the incompleteness of recovery. In difficulty, peace is decided – not victory, forgetfulness or straightforward strength.
Therefore, your pain, at your wounds and sorrows I ask: could the relationship with them be gentler, even if not ready? What if you looked into your eye pain and were more compassionate about it? You would agree with your heart to sigh that to all this I have inadvertently had to bend. This is what my life has been like.
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To think if the most difficult thing in you would be worth the most love.
What if your vulnerability said something particularly important about you and your life? You would sigh and say: this, too, I have been and am partly still.
To think if the most difficult thing in you would be worth the most love. If it were a point that should be especially safeguarded, pampered and understood? What would your depression then tell you? What would a child swallow their tears in your tears?
When you listen your pain, listen with the most sensitive ears and speak with the slightest mouth. The wounded, weakened, ragged and unhappy side of us always exists, even when it is part of the past. There is no need to get rid of it, run it again and not win.
It’s important that we tell and allow unfinished stories. That we describe above all humanity, not one-dimensional wonder.
Real recovery takes time, but it brings light and warmth when it comes. Then even the most fragile can be a part of themselves.
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