The awkward silences They are moments in a conversation in which there is a pause or absence of words that generates a feeling of discomfort or tension between the people involved. Studies show that we typically leave only a fraction of a second between turns to speak, or even interrupt the person speaking. But while this pattern may be universal, our perceptions of silence differ dramatically across cultures.
For example, English speakers tend to be more uncomfortable with long gaps in a conversation. How long are we talking about? The rule of awkward silence states that when you are faced with a challenging or uncomfortable question, instead of answering, you pause and think for a while. 5, 10 or even 15 seconds about how you want to respond.
Why awkward silences occur
In all conversations there are moments of silence that do not necessarily have to be negative. However, in some cases, these pauses can be perceived as uncomfortable, tense or disturbing, generating great discomfort and pressure to fill that void. This perception, negative or not, will depend on various psychological, emotional or cultural factors. These may be some reasons that would explain why these silences occur:
– Lack of theme: When you don’t know what to say next and there is no natural flow of conversation.
– Emotional discomfort: If any of the participants are feeling uncomfortable, anxious, or don’t know how to handle a situation, the silence can become uncomfortable.
– Lack of connection: If there is a disconnection between people, whether due to differences in opinions, values or lack of affinity, silence can amplify that feeling of distance.
– Social pressure: Sometimes people feel like they have to be constantly talking, especially in social situations where continuous interaction is expected. Silence can create the feeling that something is not right.
– Unresolved conflicts or tensions: When there is a conflict or sensitive topic between participants, silences may reflect discomfort or difficulty in addressing that topic.
Silences well understood
Silence may be uncomfortable in certain situations, but the truth is that it does not have to end a bad conversation. Psychologist Paloma Rey comments that knowing when to be reserved “can give us an advantage in everything, from personal presentations to other types of conversations where our response can change the course of things.” Regarding this idea, Paloma emphasizes that silences must be understood like this:
– Self-confidence: “People who have greater self-confidence will understand this pause as a useful moment or as an opportunity to redirect the conversation,” he says. However, the most insecure or socially anxious people will tend to flee from this silence and will try to fill it at all costs.
– Need for approval: In relation to the previous point, the most insecure people will have a greater need to feel accepted. This can lead to perceiving these pauses as signs of disinterest or disapproval.
– Acceptance of silence: For some people, these moments are an opportunity for reflection to process new information or to be more present in the moment: “In this case, it is not considered necessary to fill this space with words, since it has a meaning in itself. However, in other cases, these silences can intensify unresolved or overwhelming emotions,” explains the psychologist.
We could say, therefore, that silences per se are not negative but necessary since serve multiple functions that often go unnoticed (it provides spaces for reflection, encourages active listening, creates connection and trust in deep relationships, regulates the pace of conversation, etc.)… «Although on occasion they may be perceived as uncomfortable, in reality they are a part natural and useful in communication, both verbal and non-verbal,” says psychologist Paloma Rey.
However, if we still wanted to avoid these silences, there are some aspects that we could take into account, as Paloma Rey indicates:
– Prepare conversation topics: “We can raise current topics, based on common interests or talk about contexts or activities in which both are involved,” he says.
– Ask open questions: These types of questions lead to more elaborate answers, which helps keep the conversation active.
– Use the environment as inspiration: The expert Rey points out that it would be interesting to observe what is happening around us and commenting on it can be a source of inspiration.
– Share an anecdote: sharing something personal (taking into account the degree of connection we have, it can help break the ice and strengthen our relationships.
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