Talking is 'sexy'

Perhaps desire is one of our first doors to frustration. It flows from intimacy, often from what we dare not name, from diffuse and free terrain that from our tamed lives seem like impassable abysses. It takes a lot of courage to express oneself from desire without obstacles, if this is possible, the usual thing is to cut moral and cultural costumes to make it presentable to our social, cultural, family, emotional and intimate context. It is inevitable and difficult to retrace the paths of adaptation, which in a world that observes such marked rules, is synonymous with protection. We spend too much time immersed in our own environment to take for granted that we are completely free in some aspect of our lives; it is usually the idea of ​​that freedom, or the controlled staging of it, that convinces us that we are exercising it. We will never fully know what belongs to us of our own desire, what is viscera and what is prosthesis.

These days, a girl posted a video on their networks in which, heartbroken, she expressed her sadness and frustration over the rejection of a boy on a date, whose explanation for not going ahead was to blame her for “not having told him” that she was trans. We can see videos, quite embarrassing, of functional adults doing dances, sessions of playback homemade, kids from Carabanchel talking about making themselves from a 3 square meter room in a 35 square meter apartment, influencers of the fitness that border on supremacism, improvised cooks, ridiculous challenges or lists of data taken from Trivial that try to pass as scientific dissemination, and continue with the scroll as if nothing had happened, but it occurs to a young trans woman to talk about how she experiences rejection and once again we are talked about as if we were a group of fauns wagging their genitalia, whatever it may be, in the face of God.

We can have a conversation like adults or we can continue dehumanizing out of pure laziness. Rejection is part of the desire itself and there is not a single trans woman who forces anyone to do anything they do not want to do, quite the contrary, often our role in the desire of others has been that of the furtive, that of the fetish, that of something that cannot be controlled but that must be hidden. Historically we have been the object of desire that must remain hidden and that is enjoyed in the back room of respectability, in the attic of public affairs, in that of shame. From the trans-exclusionary world, a very dirty trap is practiced when this “debate” cyclically returns to the filthy agora of social networks, that of confusing enunciation with demand and building with it a straw man—pun intended—that can be waved in front of people. who is wishing to harm us. We all have desires that can be framed in the transphobic, the racist, the fatphobic, in any problematic way of being in the world, taking charge is the minimum, tolerating the truth when we hear it is a sign of maturity, in the same way as using That awareness of the truth as we please is our privilege.

On the other hand, this requirement for a trans notice is nothing more than a way to shield any possible reaction, it is a counter-notice that sends a message that sounds familiar to women: “It's your fault. Look what you have made me do to you.” In many countries around the world, for example in some states of the United States, there is a legal figure called “trans panic” that serves as an excuse for murders of trans women. It is based on a supposed state of altered consciousness caused by the sudden discovery of the trans condition of the intimate partner, the “he has provoked me or was provoking me” of a lifetime in its bloodiest version. On the other hand, putting these conversations on the table as declarations of guilt or taint, apart from being sexist, is unrealistic. Presuming in our bodies a fault that must be corrected or a potential capacity to offend another person connects with the worst of the human being. With the idea that there are bodies that deserve to be loved and others do not.

But since there is an excessive interest in looking under our panties, the reality, or what is usual is that, when two people like each other, they attract each other and create an intimacy in which sex is a possibility, we talk about it in terms that move between delicacy, excitement and a beautiful sexuality that turns on more than turns off. There are hilarious ways to do it that have nothing to do with those traumatic conversations that live in the imagination of those who hate us, or those who force us to have them, as happened to the girl in the video.

If a person understands sexual relations as mere clashes between genitals and goes through life like a 19th century British ethnologist, he is neither trustworthy nor should he try to give lessons on how to approach someone he desires, and of course, if We are going to exert violence against a group of people, let us have the decency to do so in clear terms, without disguising it as a debate that we never wanted to have. Behind the “requests for notice”, the “debates”, the “opinions” and “personal tastes” there is never a real interest in analyzing them, in being honest, they are usually excuses for dehumanization and, this time, a true warning of what awaits us because they are poorly made.

When one body coincides with another in space and time and both want to stay there for a while, they find a way to do it without anyone leaving with a broken heart or head, without humiliation and without coercion of any kind. Talking is very sexy.

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