Marta Lobato married her husband 17 years ago. They live in Madrid, the city where he is from, but she is from a town in Lugo where they go very occasionally. They are parents of three girls and from the beginning they spent Christmas in the capital, since traveling to her parents' town in winter became complex, especially when her daughters were very young. “The first few years I took it as normal to have dinner with my in-laws because it was a lot of hassle to take such a long trip with the girls. Furthermore, my family's house is located in the mountains of Lugo and it did not make it much easier to settle in, with so much cold, so my parents initially chose to come to Madrid and we all had dinner and lunch at my in-laws' house. But the friction began immediately,” Marta recalls. Spain is a country with a long tradition of family meals that increases during Christmas. Going to your parents' or in-laws' house is very common and during these meetings, friction can arise. What happens when there are misunderstandings and conflict?
“At the beginning of my marriage it seemed like the perfect plan to have dinner together. But when my mother-in-law began to show her true face and interfere in everything, I began to be reluctant until I refused to go because just the idea of doing so generated anxiety in me and not only at Christmas, but also the rest of the year,” says Marta Lobato. .
Although family discussions can occur with all types of family members, the most classic ones, according to experts such as Joanaina Barcelo, social educator, family mediator and specialist, occur between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law. For Barceló, getting along with the mother-in-law is something that depends on many factors, and a very important one is that she has a healthy relationship with her descendants. “When a mother ignores healthy boundaries in the relationship with a child who has already formed her own family, when she has an excessive attachment, she tends to interfere in his life, assuming a dominant and overprotective role that makes him she feels jealous. And for this reason, they can make life impossible for her daughter-in-law,” explains Barceló. These mothers-in-law, according to the family mediator, “have great difficulty accepting the independence of their children.” Often, she adds, “this attitude can be rooted in the fear of losing emotional closeness with him or the belief that no one will be good enough.”
This relationship pattern can be classified, according to Barceló, as toxic or dysfunctional, due to its obsessive and dependent nature. “The inability to allow healthy separation and individual development of children creates an emotionally suffocating and limiting environment,” she maintains.
“It is very normal to have tensions with the in-laws, since family relationships are complex,” explains Lorena González, psychologist and co-founder of Serena Psychology. This psychologist also recognizes that tensions between women (mother-in-law and daughter-in-law) are more common than those between father-in-law and son-in-law or father-in-law and daughter-in-law: “Sometimes, for his mother, it is difficult to accept that another woman is coming to take care of him.” to your child and there are internal conflicts that can strain the relationship if this natural role shift that must occur is not accepted.”
When we talk about invasion, it is not only physical, but it can also be verbal, as González explains. “Some mothers continue to give their opinions and give advice regarding some areas of their child's life that, perhaps, no longer apply to them. This becomes much more acute when a grandchild arrives due to comments about parenting, which can also strain the relationship much more,” the expert clarifies.
The importance of setting limits
For González, it is very important to establish limits: “It is better for the son or daughter to set these limits for their parents, so we can avoid more tensions and clashes.” Limiting the time spent as a couple with the family of origin, not forcing everyone to spend too much time together if the relationship is not fluid, and avoiding more tense topics such as raising grandchildren are some of the examples he cites. If this is not possible, “it is important to know how to politely stop the mother-in-law, always taking great care of the tone, with short and simple phrases that set a limit,” he advises: “For example, in a situation where the mother-in-law wants to give sweets to children and parents don't want to, we can calmly say that we prefer not to do it and change the subject.”
If the mother-in-law insists or tries to debate the issue, the expert believes that “the broken record technique” works well. “For example, we will repeat: 'We prefer not to give him sweets', and so on the same words until we manage to change the conversation. With short and specific phrases, said calmly, we set limits, avoid conflicts and do not give rise to debate or opinions about something of ours,” explains the psychologist.
A bad relationship with the mother-in-law, cause for divorce?
Mothers-in-law, fathers-in-law, sons-in-law, brothers-in-law… they are all members of the family that is not chosen, that is, the one from which your partner comes, and each of them can become a source of conflict. “On many occasions the entire in-laws play a fundamental role in provoking or detonating marital crises,” he maintains. Delia Rodríguez, family lawyer at Vestalia. The legal expert assures that it is true that the figure of the mother-in-law is more demonized than that of other family members, but when we talk about bringing trouble into an emotional relationship, all of them can play a fundamental role due to the obvious influence that they have. our loved ones exert on us.
“It should not be generalized, but in my professional experience I have witnessed more cases with their mothers, although we see everything,” he adds. In fact, according to Rodríguez, sometimes the figure of the mother-in-law is used as a throwing weapon, of psychological wear against the other. “I always recommend that parents put aside not only their personal quarrels,” continues the lawyer, “but also the advice that they continually receive from those closest to them, because many times, far from helping, they make things even worse.”
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