This week, following Marc Overmars’s dick, I could have written about sexual harassment at work again – just like the past four weeks.
But my heart sank when I read Overmars’ reaction when it came out that he had sent unsolicited dick pics to female colleagues. Namely, hold on tight: “Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that I was crossing boundaries with this.”
Excuse me?? Yeah, he didn’t quite realize it.
I was so stunned by that that I thought: I’ll let this cup pass me by for a while – there’s nothing left to save at Ajax.
There was also plenty of other important news in my portfolio! Because do you remember I once wrote that I would like a button in Teams and Zoom that makes people smaller the longer they speak? To sweeten all those miserable, endless sessions? Well, you won’t believe it: THAT BUTTON IS HERE NOW!
Last month, DPG Media heroes/developers Maarten Witteman, Jaro Vanderheijden and Siebe Vander Henst informed me that they built the button and that he works, they showed on LinkedIn. For now only in Google Meet, but it will probably be available for other platforms soon.
That’s too nice isn’t it?! Especially for me! This office rider almost burst with pride.
But I also became overconfident. Because if this is possible, there are probably many more useful functions to be developed! Maybe something for Marc Overmars’ dick? That it gets smaller and smaller the more he sends it! Or wait, I wouldn’t write about that.
Luckily I came across a lot of ‘neat’ wishes for new buttons on Twitter. So many, that I thought: I’ll put them in a row. They come, developers. There is still a lot for you to do!
1 First, make the new button a bit more complete. that you don’t slowly disappears from view if you talk a lot, but acute if you sell nonsense. Make inspired speakers keep getting bigger. Or that your voice keeps getting higher or softer – depending on the amount of nonsense.
2 Also create a ‘slang’ button. “That automatically starts a bullshit bingo that gives the winner streamers, balloons and an exemption for the rest of the meeting,” wrote one reader. Or one that just drives 220 volts through the mice of people who say “securing, onboarding and content,” wrote another. “I’m willing to pay for that.”
3 The ‘time penalty button’ was also often mentioned. Which presets how many minutes someone is allowed to talk and turns off the volume for whoever goes over it. Which pays everyone a bonus if a meeting ends early. That makes your nose longer when you lie. Or better yet: a ‘flush button’ with which you can throw anyone who talks like that out of the meeting without fuss, like ‘the red chair’ in BBC presenter Graham Norton’s talk show.
4 I also thought a ‘button for thunderous applause’ was a nice one. Switch on if you agree with someone, but also to silence an over-enthusiastic speaker.
5 Or a ‘dead man’s button’! Which you have to press once every five minutes to show that you are still participating. If you don’t, and you’re doing laundry, mashing fruit, clipping nails, combing the dog, or unloading the dishwasher, you’ll be kicked out. “Or your camera will turn on, in the case of my sleepy students,” wrote one teacher. Good idea.
6 ‘Professional directing’ also seems very nice to me. That a meeting is portrayed more like a sports match. With nail biters, lap times, happy people and disappointed faces at the right moments, so that everyone remains fascinated, no matter how boring the ‘athletes’ are.
7 Also nice: a button with which, if everyone presses it at the same time, the meeting automatically ends. You can bet that your colleagues will keep up the momentum!
8 Or a button with which you can determine yourself who sees you in the picture! Instead of the people speaking. In any case, I want a button that makes colleagues with cats and dogs taller.
9 An offline mode with which executives are rendered harmless – also seems very useful to me. With which your manager thinks that everyone participates, when in reality all colleagues finish their own work undisturbed.
10 Furthermore, the ‘fast-forward button’ with which boring pieces can be flushed, a button with which you can change your voice to that of George Clooney or Scarlett Johansson, and, I thought that was a great idea: a ‘review button’ with which you can say after a meeting ‘how valuable this meeting was to you’. “Managers with an eight or above get a raise, managers with a five or less are required to attend training,” wrote one reader – brilliantly.
11 But most of the requests came (obviously) for an automatic ‘mute button’. Which automatically silences people who start talking at the same time. That silences people who say something that has already been said a hundred times. For parakeets, barking dogs, (amateur) construction workers, coffee machines, or “well, actually for all ambient noises”.
12 Yet the real winner in my opinion was the meeting software that is built in such a way that it suddenly, unannounced, does not work for a whole week. I’d say come on, developers – who makes us happy?!
This office rider can be even more proud.
How was your week? Tips for Japke-d. Bouma through @Japked on Twitter.
These were the Pearls on Twitter this week
Help, @japked, I have just come from a conversation in which it was about, among other things, the roll-out of a spot plan. I washed my hands first. pic.twitter.com/HGwKul1UiU
— ᴠᴀɴ ᴍᴇᴇʀᴋᴇʀᴋ (@EdwinvMeerkerk) February 2, 2022
@Japked ‘And what gives you energy?’ “From a peanut butter sandwich and my fingers in the socket!”
— Jos Groenenboom (@GroenenboomJos) February 2, 2022
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO….. @Japked This is for you ! https://t.co/zoRdfCWZjA
— Dees (@caseofdees) February 3, 2022
My son (4) to me: ‘Dad, do you know what the world needs to achieve freedom, prosperity and fairness..’
Me: ‘Stop it boy, the chance that someone on Twitter will believe this is almost nil.’
— Maarten Hopman (@maartenhopman94) February 6, 2022
Where is the limit?
Everything you wouldn’t say to your mother or daughter, you don’t say to women at work.
•Nice blouse ✅
•Nice blouse, shows your feminine curves well.And if you regularly send a picture of your dick to your mom, I’d call a psychiatrist.
— Kelly Sinke (@KelRebel) February 7, 2022
A version of this article also appeared in NRC on the morning of February 9, 2022
#button #Teams #dicks #smaller