After the farewell service, guests sometimes accost funeral director Joan Belmer. “If I die,” they say, “you can do my funeral too.” “Have you ever put anything down on paper?” Joan Belmer then asks. “No,” is invariably the answer. Sometimes with the addition: “It is far from my time.”
When death occurs, surviving relatives often appear to be poorly prepared for arranging the funeral. A shame, say funeral directors. Because the better the preparation, the greater the chance of a farewell salute that is as personal as possible.
People still find it difficult to think about death, they say. Rarely do healthy people visit funeral directors for a preliminary discussion about the farewell. It is taboo even among many elderly people. Or the cool indifference. “Just put me in a box,” funeral directors hear people say. 'Just throw me in a container.' Others show themselves to be superstitious. 'Arrange my funeral now? Not really! Then I call death upon me!'
How do you make it easier to arrange a funeral? NRC talked about it with funeral directors. What are the questions they hear most often after a death that you actually need an answer to?
Burial or cremation?
Usually the first question funeral directors ask. After which it often remains remarkably quiet. “Mommy never talked about it,” the children say. Or opinions differ. Discuss this important topic while you are alive, say funeral directors. And then record the wish – burial or cremation – in writing to avoid misunderstandings.
This is especially true if you have decided that you do not want either option: this is how some people make their bodies available to science. The following also applies to having a donor codicil: make sure that the surviving relatives know that this is what you would have wanted.
Independent funeral director Ester van den Hoek experienced for herself what happens if you ignore that advice. Her father adamantly refused to discuss the details of his funeral, even though he was ill, nearing the end of his life and his daughter had already worked in the sector for three years. Then he died. “Then you start brainstorming,” says Van den Hoek, who has two sisters. “My youngest sister thought he wanted to be buried because he apparently once mentioned 'my funeral'.” A common misunderstanding, says Van den Hoek: old people often use the word 'funeral', simply because it is an ingrained word. “We ultimately opted for cremation.”
You can't be clear enough, funeral advisor Roelof Marskamp also noticed. An older man had written 'burial' in a will, but on his deathbed he had mentioned cremation. His daughter said. And he had spoken to him last. No, said the son, Dad wanted a grave. It was cremated. The argument became so heated that the son and daughter broke off contact, Marskamp knows.
Also good to discuss with your loved ones: do you want to be laid out in the funeral home, at home, in a nursing home, elsewhere? And what would they like?
And, what kind of grave do you want?
Once you have made the choice 'burial or cremation' you are not there. If you choose burial, there is also an essential choice to make: a private or a public grave? A private grave is a grave in your own name, often two coffins deep. Who you will share the grave with (your partner? another family member?) is a choice you make (with your) own family.
You usually buy the right to the grave for a fixed number of years, for example ten or twenty years. Your surviving relatives can extend that burial right for a fee. Prices for private graves vary widely. But to give an idea: a private grave in 2024 in the municipality of Utrecht costs 3,542 euros for ten years. Then extend it for ten years? That costs 2,013 euros.
You share a common grave with strangers. So the grave is not 'your own'. Usually there are three boxes underneath each other. In Utrecht, such a grave costs 1,480 euros this year. After ten years the grave is cleared.
Eternal grave rest
There are more possibilities. In more and more cemeteries you can be buried with 'eternal grave rest': there is no risk that your grave will eventually be cleared. Eternal rest is important to many Dutch people of the Islamic and Jewish faith.
There are also natural cemeteries: your grave is then located in a nature reserve where burial is permitted. A natural cemetery, the website writes Natural burial in the Netherlands, “in addition to being a nature reserve, it is above all a place of memory, reflection and peace.” These graves too are eternal; they may usually only be provided with a marking that eventually decays, such as a disk of a tree trunk with the name carved into it.
Ash destination
If you opt for cremation, it is advisable to consider what should be done with the ashes. Keep it in an urn? Scattering on a cemetery field? Scatter at sea? Use it in a necklace? Or bury the urn in the grave of the partner who did choose to be buried? The choices are endless.
Does the deceased have funeral insurance?
A cremation can easily cost 7,000 euros, a funeral ceremony usually a little more. Funeral insurance covers (part of) these costs. But people often do not know whether they have such insurance – let alone that their relatives know. The Dutch Association of Insurers, the interest group of non-life and life insurers, even has one special online search service has been createdwhere relatives can check whether the deceased is insured, for example if the policy sheet has been lost.
There are two types of funeral insurance: capital insurance and in-kind insurance. The capital variant insures an amount of money that is paid out after death and with which surviving relatives can pay for (part of) the funeral. The in-kind funeral insurance does not pay out money, but a fixed package of services and products. Consider a certain number of funeral cards, the costs for burial or cremation and the rental of a room where the farewell ceremony takes place.
Please note: you are free to choose a funeral director
Even if someone turns out to be insured, there is often a misunderstanding. People who are insured with, say, DELA, are inclined to think that they should also have their funeral arranged by DELA. But that's not necessary. The choice of a funeral director is free. Side note: if you have a in-kind policy with one of the major funeral insurance companies and you choose a different funeral director, it will almost always cost you more. You then miss out on the economies of scale of the 'big boys': their size allows them to purchase products and services en masse and therefore relatively cheaply.
Check your policy
You can also create a savings pot yourself, so not having funeral insurance is not a problem. If you do have it, it is advisable to check whether the amount or services you have insured correspond to your wishes, says Roelof Marskamp. “I have experienced relatives opting for cremation, even though the deceased actually wanted to be buried. The insurance payout turned out to be less high than hoped.”
Do you know who the funeral cards should go to?
Another one quick win: recording in advance the list of names of people to whom the funeral card may be sent. Funeral cards must be sent out quickly after a death, good preparation saves a lot of stress. “But sometimes there are only some addresses in a booklet in someone's drawer at home,” says Joan Belmer. “Some names have been crossed out, of people who have died themselves. But who says that all other addresses are still up to date? The network of elderly people is becoming smaller and smaller.”
Share computer and phone password!
Ester van den Hoek and her sisters, whose father did not want to talk about his funeral, also tried to browse through their father's computer to draw up the list of invitees for the ceremony, but they only knew the approximate password. “We tried until we got there,” says Van den Hoek. She and her sisters received the funeral cards on time, and just to be sure, they also posted an obituary on Facebook. And yet: after the funeral, three people said that they knew nothing about it and would have liked to have been there.
Want to record your wishes? That's possible
More and more apps are coming onto the market to properly arrange the death. Entrepreneurs Erik Beek and Françoise Nieuwland recently launched one that helps to actually avoid avoidable situations: My Goodbye. Here you can find all the information needed for the smooth organization of the funeral and store your legacy securely. Such as a contact list, an overview of your financial situation and, under the heading 'digital legacy', the location of passwords. Three to five confidential counselors, whose names you record in the app and who are informed of their role, ask for (and receive) a code for access to your app after your death.
Beek and Nieuwland call it “unnecessary” that surviving relatives are confronted with so-called 'unexpected' administrative hassle. In a sense, such apps are the modern, further developed version of the funeral director's old 'wish book', in which you can write down how you envision your funeral, from the desired place of burial to the number of funeral cards. Such a wish booklet can still be requested from many funeral directors – digital wish booklets can be downloaded from their websites.
And how do you want to organize the funeral?
Behind that one question are a hundred new questions: questions about the ceremony location, the transport to that place, the choice of music. Literally anything is possible, funeral directors tell relatives, but they still surprisingly often think that they have to passively submit to an old, inflexible script. Coffin, auditorium, coffee room: that's how it should be, right?
So that is not necessary. Funeral directors therefore often ask questions such as: are flowers desired and if so, in what color and type? And did the gentleman want to be laid out in a coffin? Or would you prefer a basket made of bamboo, banana leaf or willow?
Realize: there is more than an auditorium
Much more is possible than many people think. 'How many songs are we actually allowed to play?' ('You can decide that yourself!'). 'You'll talk everything together later, won't you?' ('Only if you want that. Maybe it's better not to!') 'Really, can we transport the coffin ourselves and choose a location ourselves?'
Joan Belmer organized a funeral on a festival site, in a circus tent, on a rented field in a nature reserve. Have you ever thought about Ruurlo Castle or a beach pavilion in The Hague?, suggests the My Goodbye app. Funeral director Linda van Alfen was sitting in the garden of a deceased person discussing the location with his relatives, when she thought: 'Why don't we do it here?' The son looked up in surprise. “It was one of the nicest funerals I have supervised,” says Van Alfen: thirty or forty guests on folding chairs that they brought with us. And then the son drove the coffin to the crematorium, in his own yellow camper.
Yes, touching is allowed
Relatives also often have a hesitant relationship with the body of the deceased. “Can I touch her?” 'Can I comb her hair myself?' The answer is almost always 'yes'.
Ali Karamatali, owner of Taharah ('customized Islamic funeral care') routinely asks relatives if they want to participate in the ritual washing. “'Is that allowed, is that possible?' they often ask. And many people,” says Karamatali, “appear to be very happy to help. And some don't want it. That's good too. But I do offer the opportunity.”
That is what all funeral directors emphasize: they throw all options on the table. Because the surviving relatives do not get a second chance to do it right.
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