Frustration stalks us for an infinite number of reasons. We expect others to behave in a certain way or for us to be successful in all our projects. But it doesn't usually happen like that. When we feel disappointed, the reason must be found in how our mind operates and how we create expectations without even realizing it. Expectations are mental projections, well-fitting corsets with which we try to surround reality. But reality does not conform to our desires or our fantasies. Our mind uses them as a powerful mechanism to get out of certain situations, such as dreams for the future, objectives, resolutions at the beginning of the year or the hopes with which we embark on a new emotional relationship. However, expectations are also the main reason we get frustrated so often.
No matter how much we want to have more money and we work hard to get it, there will always be external factors that do not depend on us to be able to achieve it. It makes us uncomfortable when expectations do not match what we had desired: other people do not act as we would like, we do not get the recognition we seek, or the weather is simply bad on a special day for us. To avoid disappointment and enjoy what happens to us, we must change our focus. We need to stop moving by expectations and cultivate our intention.
While expectations look outward, towards results, intentions are oriented towards ourselves and what we can achieve. The satisfaction we achieve is different if, instead of dreaming of good weather on the day of a celebration, we set our intention to enjoy ourselves regardless of the weather. Our emotions are also different if instead of wanting a person to change so that we feel good, we set our intention on understanding the other and avoiding being affected by their responses. From this last approach, we feel stronger and learn more.
Expectations are looking towards the future, towards desires or desires. The intention, however, is pure present. It focuses on the resources we have and puts energy into what is in our hands. Furthermore, any sustainable change over time, whether transforming something about ourselves or a specific situation, is more powerful if we replace expectations with intentions that lead us to action. If we base the first step on a dream, when things don't go as we expect we can throw in the towel and abandon the path. In fact, much of the frustrations and difficulties that arise in personal relationships are due to the world of expectations. We have designed a reality in our head that does not match what is really happening, we get upset and think that the problem is with the other person. However, when we orient ourselves towards intention, we seek our responsibility, we identify what we can learn and we do not fall into the tedious world of complaining.
The expectations we direct towards ourselves also have a high cost. Just as we tend to be demanding with others or with what surrounds us, we try to fit ourselves into an impossible corset. We expect our body to act in a certain way in all circumstances or for us to be quick and intelligent in complicated situations. However, we are what we are. Sometimes we can be brilliant, and other times very clumsy. If we place this constant demand on ourselves, we also suffer because we do not live up to what our imagination had assumed. Therefore, freeing ourselves from expectations and focusing on the intention relieves us of impossible and unnecessary demands. We can cultivate the intention to be kind, to learn from each difficulty we face, but not from the final result. When we change our focus, we avoid the silent trap that prevents us from enjoying being who we are and continuing to grow.
As John Lennon said: “Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans.” And we could add: while we are entertained with expectations, and not with what we are and already have. With our intention.
Three desirable and necessary phases
To get out of a situation or achieve a goal we need to go through three phases, as I collected in the book Change Mindset: surfing the change:
— Action-oriented intention: instead of putting our mind on dreaming a goal, we must dedicate the effort to the authentic intention of what we intend to achieve. And, from there, take action.
— Detachments: fears of not achieving arise in expectations. However, when we are moved by intention, it is easier to know how to give up what no longer serves us.
— Energy: when we connect with intention, we can maintain change over time.
Pilar Jericó is the author of the blog Laboratory of Happiness.
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