That those around the victims must denounce sexist violence is a message that in recent years has become a regular part of institutional campaigns that seek to combat it. The call has its reasons: the number of complaints filed by family members or close friends is tiny (1.8%) despite the fact that it is not uncommon for after a murder to hear the words “I saw it coming” or “everyone was doing it.” knew”. However, the complexity of this type of violence and its characteristics, which distance it from the stereotypical image of a victim with a black eye, can make those next to them feel that they can’t do anything or doubt how far they can go.
Screams and loud bangs on the apartment next door and a call to the Police to alert is the situation that most frequently comes to mind when talking about complaints from third parties. But usually the victims are daughters, sisters, friends, cousins or colleagues of others who may not be considering going to a police station, but they do see them or talk to them regularly and they have become one of their points of support. Maybe they don’t tell them that they are victims of anything, they haven’t put words to what they experience, they don’t tell everything behind it or there are days when they act as if nothing happened, but that’s how sexist violence usually manifests itself. .
“The idea that we socially handle about gender violence tends to be simplistic and reductionist, but we have to think a little deeper. Reporting if she does not do so may be necessary for some situations, but many women do not arrive having suffered a serious physical assault in an extreme situation, that is the tip of the iceberg, the majority are women like you and me,” she begins by explaining the psychologist specialized in sexist violence Olga Barroso.
We must take into account the individual characteristics of the woman and the violence itself because reporting it can be counterproductive, especially without her consent.
Barbara Zorrilla
— Psychologist
The author of Love does not mistreat (Shackelton) points out that “what will surely help someone in her situation” is “to end up seeing for herself that the solution is to get out of that relationship,” but “am I going to achieve that if I file a complaint?” Probably not and perhaps it could be counterproductive.” Before that, “there are many other very important things that can be done,” continues the expert: “Above all, offer him a safe space to talk, give him the opportunity to express how he is feeling and perhaps then he can begin to think about how his behavior “It is being the origin of your discomfort.”
The psychologist Bárbara Zorrilla also expresses herself along the same lines and assures that when making a complaint “we must take into account the individual characteristics of the woman and the violence itself” because “it can become counterproductive, especially without her consent.” Therefore, understanding how abuse works “is basic” to providing support. “I have had cases of women whose friends have even accompanied them to file a complaint and then have become angry because she resumed the relationship, even though this going back and forth is very common. You have to know that the alternation in affection is what hooks them,” he emphasizes.
Leave the imperatives
What the experts agree on is that it is the victims who must reconstruct their own story: saying ‘what you are suffering is gender violence and you have to leave him’ is not the best option and will probably end up causing the opposite effect, which The woman shuts down and stops talking. The sociologist from the Complutense University of Madrid, Elena Casado, insists on this: “Everyone tells these women what they have to do and how they have to feel, but we cannot combat a situation in which another is nullifying someone’s capacity.” with that same tool. And I think that happens to us a lot. We must get used to stopping using so much imperative: ‘you have to’, ‘don’t feel like’….”
On the other hand, the specialists provide possible ways to face a conversation of this type. “‘You didn’t think like that before, what could have happened?’ Or ‘I’ve seen you like this for a long time’, ‘I’m worried about this…’, ‘What do you need?’, ‘Have you considered starting therapy?’, lists Zorilla, who focuses on the importance of “not force her to see what we want her to see” but “give her a place to express how she feels.”
In this sense, Casado calls for anyone to put themselves in the shoes of someone who a dear friend or family member “tells them what to do when they do not feel objectively able to do it.” “On many occasions this increases the bad experience and the feeling of disappointing others,” says the sociologist, who questions the impulse that can arise from seeking the victim to recognize themselves as such. “We have gotten tired of saying that it is not necessary to report to access rights, but why do we demand it on a personal level? The objective is not to be named as a victim of sexist violence but to be better. That small change of focus helps… it’s more like ‘I notice you’re sad’, ‘count on me’… it’s not ‘tell me you’re a victim of such’. That will come out. Or not, because maybe he never gets to name it that way.”
What is effective is that they find a place where they can express themselves. It is not ‘recognize that you are an abuser and report it’, but ‘can you talk to me’
Olga Barroso
— Psychologist
Barroso explains it by using the data from the last Macrosurvey of Violence against Women: Of the total number of women who claimed to have suffered abuse from a male partner or ex-partner at some point in their lives, 92.4% of those who reported ended up leaving the relationship, but so did 88.2% of those who resorted to some care service and 82.2 of those who shared it with someone close to them. “What is effective is that they find a place where they can express themselves. It is not ‘recognize that you are an abuser and report it’, but ‘you can talk to me’”, illustrates the psychologist.
Transcend the ‘us and them’
Because facing it from the insistence that realize What he is experiencing “reproduces a dialogue that is not symmetrical,” explains Casado, who remembers the comment a woman made to him in an interview for an investigation years ago. “He told me ‘of course because it wouldn’t have happened to you, right?’ You’re smarter than me…’ That made me think a lot. That’s why I think this is about thinking together and collectively, not from ‘I know and you’re stupid’, how we can all find ourselves better: those of us who care about others, those of us who had a shitty relationship, those of us who they have today… But not from that division of ‘us and them, they are the ones it happens to and it doesn’t happen to us.'”
There is another element that the specialists point to: unconditionality. Zorilla considers that “it is a bad idea to make the victim choose” “between him or us” and points out “maintaining the bond” as one of the most important issues. “We cannot ask a person to break a bond if they have no others. The good treatment of others will be what cushions the effects of the aggressor, I still can’t make her leave him, but I can accompany her and reduce the effects of violence.”
When we tell them in campaigns ‘you are not alone’ it is a lie in many cases. The institutional abandonment is there and it is there and in part that of the support networks as well.
Elena Casado
— Sociologist
Casado believes that taking this into account will help prevent the isolation that is already common in these relationships from increasing and is committed to being available with a ‘whatever you do, count on me for whatever you want’. “But that – he adds – has to be real. When we tell them in campaigns ‘you are not alone’ it is a lie in many cases. The institutional abandonment is there and in part that of the support networks as well,” laments the sociologist.
Finally, a doubt that sometimes assails those who see problematic behavior and emotional manipulation in another’s relationship: whether this will be a violent relationship or not. “If things go very badly, he is an idiot or he is an abuser. I think that in the first option that person is going to have a bad time but they are not going to be trapped without being able to get out of there nor are you going to see them deteriorating and becoming less and less able to think about themselves,” says Barroso. “And what difference does it make?” Casado responds: “Treating me badly, making my life sadder… If I were a lawyer I would have to worry about what is defined as violence. There are things that I don’t know if they are crimes but they cause me pain and are costing me therapy, what do we call that?
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