Usko Siskoa | Why doesn’t my middle-aged friend want to be nice to his friends?

Greeting Dear friends!

Debate on the expulsion of long-staying dinner guests to be continued. Pirkko writes: “Once upon a time there came a real life situation where our guests could not stop Tetriksen playing with an ambulatory starling cat in our bedroom. We marveled at our time and went to sleep. The guest continued to play in the corner of the bedroom and we fell asleep. ”

Summer: “I learned a subtle hint from an acquaintance of mine and I use it myself these days: I’ll ask later in the evening if anyone still wants something to drink. Usually, everyone tastes good, so I put a pile of clean glasses on the table and a large happy-looking tray full of cola, jaffa and soda cans. Guests will realize that the evening is over and will gradually begin to praise and say goodbye. It works. ”

Then to the new questions.

Why doesn’t my middle-aged friend who works in a people-friendly field want to be fair and comfortable with his friends? He seems calm, though a little irritated. His loneliness complains from time to time. He wants to set all appointment times and will be hurt if the time doesn’t suit another. He will not reply to messages if he is not amused. He doesn’t tell much about himself to most. She doesn’t remember her godchild on anniversaries or Christmas, even though I myself have remembered her child for almost 20 years. He has no shortage of money.

Why doesn’t that person understand how to manage their relationships? No matter how much they have been broken over the years. Could it be an Asperger or some other disorder? Reasonable talk has not helped.

– My behavior is good

So, why doesn’t the other do as we would like? Answer: Either he doesn’t want to or he can’t.

I called a psychologist in my reading circle who reminded me that the content of another person’s mind will eventually remain a mystery. The way a friend acts is for him or her a kind of “best compromise of existence” at any given time, the psychologist explained.

“Within his own abilities and circumstances, he strives to perform as well as he can in life – like all of us. It’s not always our best, but there is still some internal logic to it. ”

The psychologist urged to remember that trying to change another is doomed. “This is one of the hardest things in life: we have to put up with the fact that other people are the way they are. It is up to us to decide whether it is possible to endure. Sometimes friendships also end. When the other is like this, what kind of relationship is possible? And note: the question is not ‘if he were like that’, but ‘when he is like that’. ”

What a guy ends up bothering doesn’t affect our own choice.

It is possible that he has something else in mind or that he is depressed or exhausted, for example. And he may have Aspergerk, but the psychologist says you should be careful about these diagnoses.

“People with neuroscience have to endure all kinds of discrimination anyway, and it’s not good to think that bad behavior is the same as Asperger’s. People with Asperger are not intentionally rude. ”

Today, certain types of diagnoses are highlighted in both public discourse and health care. There are huge queues for adhd research, for example.

“Increased awareness has led to this. It can be a good thing: knowledge increases compassion and understanding. But fashionable diagnostic stamps can also be misleading. We remember how little time ago all ex-spouses were narcissists. Maybe we can pretty much go without diagnostic concepts, though. It is possible to say simply: one works, and I find it hard to bear. ”

When a couple decides to have a child, they probably want qualities for their child that they and their spouse consider important. If you have to resort to artificial insemination, the characteristics of the biological father will remain a mystery. Even a child will not know until he or she reaches the age of majority. What information about the donor’s deposit is stored in addition to his or her name? Can a woman resorting to fertilization make any wishes about the appearance, special characteristics, etc. of her future child’s father?

– I’m asking on behalf of a guy

In Finland, the information available on the germ cell donor is very limited. In practice, they are appearance-related factors: skin, hair, and eye color, ethnic background, and height. The purpose is to allow the child to resemble his or her parents as much as possible.

Some other information can be utilized in the “planning” of a child. The law says, “The health of the unborn child can be affected by a selection of germ cells or embryos found to be healthy for the serious illness being studied.”

In addition, the determination of a child’s sex can be influenced in treatments if this avoids the risk of serious illness.

But the donor’s interests, profession, educational background, character traits and such factors remain a mystery in Finland. Abroad is different. Many Finns have become pregnant, for example, with the help of Danish clinics. There, donors can provide very detailed information about themselves.