Psychologist Thijs Launspach is a stress expert and author of the book Breeding pressure. He marvels at modern working and gives tips every week for more happiness and less stress at work. Today: heartfelt apologies.
I just got an apology this week. I was going to go climbing with a friend – the date we had agreed far in advance due to our full schedules – but unfortunately there were circumstances. His attention and time were urgently needed elsewhere. Logically, of course, can happen. I liked the way he apologized. He took extensive time on the phone to take me into the story: such and such had happened, he had to cancel the appointment, found it annoying himself and immediately suggested a new moment.
In all fairness I must say that I probably would have made it a lot easier on myself. I probably sent him a text message: ‘Sorry, I’m not going to make it, next time?’ (with a tearful emoticon or something). Finished. No doubt I have regularly offended others with such a brusque message. So it’s high time, with this friend as inspiration, to dive into the world of excuses.
Decorate the boss’s partner
Making apologies is a golden skill, also in the workplace. It is to be expected that you occasionally do something for which you have to apologize. Whether you neglected an important task, messed up a customer contact, freaked out or tried to pick up your boss’s partner at Christmas drinks: you’re going to cross the line once in a while, so you better know better how to apologize properly.
What should you do and not do when making an apology? Well: choose your moment (preferably face to face and otherwise by telephone), and really pay attention and time to it. Show the other that you understand what you did wrong, and why it is annoying for them. Also show that you understand what that does to the other person, for example by saying: “I can imagine that was very frustrating for you.” Only after the apology do you imagine how you are going to solve the situation, or fix the relationship.
Never say you regret the ‘fuss that has arisen’, you are not a politician
What doesn’t work with apologies: insincere, rushed apologies, or apologies because you have to. Don’t ever say you regret the ‘fuss that has arisen’, you are not a politician. Also, don’t fall into the trap of still defending yourself when making an apology – that will undermine your entire apology.
Finally, very important: do not exaggerate. You don’t have to stand still for hours with an apology – otherwise you have to apologize again for holding things up for too long.
Thijs Launspach is a psychologist and stress expert. He wrote the books Fokking Druk (2018), Working with millennials (2019) and Werk kan uit (2020) about this.
Suffering from (work) stress? Thijs discusses the best ways to prevent burnout in this video:
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