To talk with the child about the divorce, both parents should take the time and explain to him that what is happening is not his fault. Ekaterina Kulagina, a psychologist at MEDSI Premium, told Izvestia about this and other problems that may arise in the family and how to cope with them.
It is best if both mom and dad are present when announcing the changes that await the child after the parents divorced. If this is not possible, then the parent, whom the child trusts more, should take responsibility for the conversation, the specialist emphasizes. It is much worse when information comes to a child from third parties: grandmothers, friends, neighbors. In this case, the child does not have the opportunity to ask questions to the “original source”, which increases anxiety.
A special time should be allocated for the conversation, Kulagina emphasizes.
“Yes it’s hard. But important life-determining things are not communicated “in between” – this humiliates and devalues the child’s experiences. For him, the world is collapsing in any case, and this must be treated with the utmost respect What can I say? That adults sometimes cannot live together for adult reasons. That this is only their adult question and the child is not to blame for this and will not be able to influence the situation in the future, ”said the psychologist.
It is important for the child to convey that mom and dad will remain loving parents for him and will continue to communicate with him, despite the fact that the relationship between them will change. It is also necessary to show that parents are sorry to hurt the child, but they do not see any other solution, so they will try to compensate for what happened to the best of their ability.
“And of course, if there are several children in the family, then it is advisable to conduct the initial conversation in the presence of all of them. But further questions can be answered one-on-one. And it’s good if these questions are – this is a natural way for a child to cope with pain, ”explained Kulagina.
Sometimes, nevertheless, divorce can be avoided by contacting a specialist, she emphasized. The person who deals with the problems between spouses is a family psychologist. He knows how the human psyche works, what difficulties people overcome in their life path and understands the intricacies and nuances of relationships, the stages of family development, inevitable crises and ways to effectively resolve them, as well as the features of communication between people, types of attachment and intergenerational processes.
“Family is a place where a person should feel good. Accordingly, if a person cannot confidently say something like that about himself, if a person experiences discomfort of any kind in a marriage or parent-child relationship, a family psychologist will help to understand what is happening, reveal hidden processes and find ways to resolve contradictions, “the psychologist noted, adding that the earlier a person turns for help, the easier the contradictions can be eliminated.
Unexpected problems in a family may arise if all of its members are at once “imprisoned” at home: the parents switched to remote work, and the child – to distance learning. To begin with, Kulagina recommends accepting the fact that this happened and that not all family members are to blame for this. This approach will help not to rip off the irritation on loved ones.
In addition, the specialist advised to draw up a joint employment schedule for everyone, in which to take into account not only the obligatory “work-study”, but also cooking, sleep and the possibility of relaxation for all on equal terms. You can then rank the overall list of tasks in order of importance.
At the same time, putting your own employment first and forcing the rest of the family to adjust will inevitably lead to scandals.
“From practical little things: to buy a set of earplugs and headphones and actively use them for everyone; more often order ready-made food in order to reduce the time for “cooking for the whole family” and free up space in the kitchen; pay for mobile Internet and, whenever possible, transfer work processes to a car, park or nearest cafe; be sure to plan time for “being alone” for everyone. And remember that this is not forever: the distance will pass, but loved ones will remain, ”the psychologist advises.
Sometimes, the reasons for quarrels and scandals for a family can be the financial dependence of one of the partners on the other. This can be either a temporary phenomenon – for example, maternity leave, illness or a period of job search – or permanent, when the partners initially agreed on a mutually convenient financial interaction, and then “something went wrong” and one or both partners began to violate these agreements not in favor of the other.
As a rule, in the first case, the dependent partner usually has some other spheres of compatibility: leisure, emotions, social circle, experience and knowledge. In this case, it makes sense to identify the problem and revise the financial agreements taking into account the changed conditions.
In the second case, it is likely that the dominant partner fell into the temptation to “cover” any other scarce areas at the expense of the financial sphere: the desire for power, status, compensation for childhood injuries, Kulagina suggested. In such a situation, work is required on alternative ways of “closing” emotional deficits.
“And there is also a third option, when initially there were no agreements at all, it just happened somehow. Then we can say for sure that there was a period when the state of dependence was beneficial to the dependent partner as well. In this case, it would be worthwhile to deal with the background, secondary benefits and prevailing stereotypes of interaction, ”said the psychologist.
On May 25, the research holding “Romir” presented the results of a survey, according to which the surest way to deal with anxiety for Russians is to spend time with friends or relatives. 27% of respondents seize stress on sweets, and 22% of citizens take sedatives.