Amy Mazur spends holidays and vacations with her children and her children’s father, even after the divorce, CNN reported.
“It’s a lot less stressful for my kids…and for myself,” says Mazur, a clinical social worker in Brooklyn, New York.
Her relationship with her ex-husband isn’t the picture often painted of life after divorce, but it’s what works best for her family, she says. The marriage had begun in early adulthood and when it stopped working for the people they had become, she said they found a way to love and support each other while still being married.
According to recent data, divorce rates in the United States are trending downward, but marital dissolution remains a common and disturbing experience.
Most people probably don’t enter into marriage with divorce in mind, but for those who find themselves in that situation, there are ways to foster compassion for each other and ultimately build something stronger, experts say.
Single mother tells how ‘traditional wife’ lifestyle led to divorce
Mourn the loss
According to Rebecca Hendrix, a marriage and family therapist in New York, a divorce can be amicable but still marked by loss and grief.
There is the loss of the life you have built, including the house you lived in together, the name you might have shared and the routines you had developed, she added. And then there are the emotional bonds.
“It’s your family. You’ve bonded with this person, for better or worse, even if you argue all the time,” Hendrix says. “Even if the relationship has run its course and you’re not happy together, you’re still bonded with this person.”
One of the biggest obstacles facing Washington-based marriage and family therapist Marissa Nelson is grief over the loss of her vision for her life.
As with any type of loss, it’s important to find support to navigate the emotions that come with grief, such as anger, sadness and difficulty finding acceptance, Hendrix explains.
Support can come from a therapist, a religious leader, friends, a divorce support group or even books and media that make you feel less alone, she added.
It’s even better if you can ask your support network for specific things that might help you through your grief, Hendrix said. A recurring weekly dinner or a walk with a friend two or three times a week to get out of the house can go a long way, she added.
“Reaching out to some friends and saying, ‘Hey, I’m going through a tough time. I could really use some support,’ is a huge step for a lot of people,” Hendrix said.
Create a new relationship together
Loss isn’t the only thing that comes from divorce: Couples can also create a new relationship with each other, Hendrix said.
“You can create any kind of divorce you want to create if you co-create it together,” she said.
For some people that may be friendship, but for others it may not be possible. In those cases, it’s still possible to strive for a friendly, collaborative dynamic, especially if there are children involved, Mazur explains.
Former spouses “can come together as a couple of sorts,” Hendrix said. “We may not have been the best at a relationship, but we can partner together to divide up our lives or figure out how to co-parent our children.”
Mazur recommends working with a therapist to figure out how to work through the difficult feelings that accompany divorce in order to build a new, more functional relationship. And be sure to give your ex space and grace rather than forcing a new sense of closeness right away, she adds.
Divorcing couples may reach different emotional stages at different times, so it’s your job to “stay classy,” Mazur said.
“Keep giving back with good will. Keep your side of the street clean. Always,” he says. “Don’t worry about what they’re doing… and keep coming back.”
How to care for children after divorce
If children are present at the end of the marriage, their experience should be a priority, Mazur said.
Parenting alone is very different from parenting as a couple because you have to make decisions together while also dealing with your own grief, Nelson said.
And just because they are no longer together doesn’t mean one parent should make parenting decisions unilaterally and inform the other parent, Mazur added.
There are a lot of questions they still need to answer together, Nelson said, some of which will be negotiated in a custody agreement. How do you spend holidays? What do you do with birthdays? What happens when you start dating someone? When is it OK to introduce a new partner?
Enlisting the help of a mediator to help navigate the new parenting system together can be one of the most effective approaches, especially when parents are still healing from hurt and anger, she explains.
Co-parents should seek therapy or supportive adults in their lives to work through those feelings and not express them to the children, Mazur said.
“Your children are watching you. They notice everything,” Mazur said. “And it’s their mother or father they’re talking about.”
The goal for both parents should be to let their children know that they are loved and that they still have a family, she added.
“They want to be able to go to school plays together and just be able to chill out and go get ice cream together afterwards,” Mazur said. “It doesn’t have to be a vacation together — although that’s totally fine, too — but they need to know that they still have what everyone else has.”
Can a divorce be a reason for celebration?
Positive points
Divorce may not be something you wanted, but you can find ways to make something good out of it, Mazur said.
“Whenever you go through a crisis, a tragedy or a trauma like this, the only way to get through it is to find meaning in it,” she says.
Maybe the meaning is to let go of the disconnection, anger and drain of energy that came with your marriage ending, Nelson said. Finding growth could be reconnecting with who you are, your values and what you want in another relationship, she added.
Divorce can prompt some reflection on ways you want to make changes or even launch the first call you ever wanted to make to a therapist, Hendrix said.
“In life, the moments of pain are the ones that help us grow the most,” she said. You can move forward by seeing your “divorce as a catalyst for an extraordinary life.”
With information from CNN.
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