Ha, there was that good old poop test again. Every two years you will receive an invitation for it, at least if you are 55 to 75 years old. A purple envelope contains the necessary attributes for participation in the national research into bowel cancer. Are you over 75? Too bad, then you’ll just sink in the shit.
I have participated in it before, with good results, but this time I had to miss my turn because I had already undergone another bowel examination in the past five years, also with good results. That means that, given my age, I will never be invited for the poop test again. Even though I don’t feel a deep sadness welling up now, it still feels somewhat melancholic.
I will miss the poop test mainly because it provides such a touching insight into the kitchen of our health care. Everything is arranged down to the last detail. It starts with that remarkable envelope on which the words ‘Population Survey’ and ‘Self-sampling test’ are printed in large letters. Nothing is left to chance. On the side of the envelope is a yellow strip with the addition “Tear off here”.
The party really starts inside. A colorful brochure with a couple on the front, clearly younger than 75, who are delighted to read the instructions for use for the ‘stool test’. At most, the reader will experience a feeling of slight disappointment further down the line under the heading “The population screening does not offer 100% certainty”. Even the headline below will not immediately be reassuring: “During the follow-up examination there is a risk of complications”.
Now it’s just a short step to the undisputed highlight: the user manual for the test, which discreetly avoids words like ‘excrement’, let alone ‘poo’, ‘poop’ and ‘shit’. In only one of the toilet bowls depicted is a dark object, but that looks more like a large snail than a turd.
It reads: “Go to the toilet and make sure your stool falls on the paper. Or collect your faeces in the pot, bucket or newspaper.” As long as it ends in that dainty green tube that you have to send in the return envelope, “just a little bit” is enough.
Everything about the poop test breathes medically responsible dedication and care. In the Netherlands, no fewer than 950 people work on the three population screening programs for cancer. Some medics question its usefulness, but I’ve always taken part in it, “just in case,” even if it’s relative.
I would almost have become proud of our healthcare if I hadn’t read the column of doctor Marcel Levi on Saturday The Parool had read. He is deeply annoyed that the Netherlands has about the least number of intensive care beds per capita in Europe, and that many emergency rooms temporarily close their doors because it gets too busy, “again a Dutch phenomenon that occurs almost nowhere else in the world” .
The contrast with the extensive, expensive population screenings struck me. Hans Goslinga, political columnist of Fidelity, recently suggested that Prime Minister Rutte could ‘break into’ the PvdA to recruit PvdA member Levi (along with party colleague Kim Putters) as Minister of Health in the next cabinet. I wonder what poo Levi will let us smell.
A version of this article also appeared in NRC in the morning of October 25, 2021
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