Thanks to the many emails that keep coming in about the question ‘Why are there still men who don’t want to make any effort – or are able – to satisfy their love?’ Let’s go further with it: the orgasm gap is, according to the reactions, far from closed.
Of course, there are men who do try their best, and a number of them came to us, usually with a detailed description of their own oral skills and their (excellent) results (“Sometimes it’s tiring, though.”).
E*, a 40-year-old woman, points out that the lack of effort in men is not just unwillingness or ignorance: “When a man has ejaculated, he is knocked out. That’s just how nature is. Nice story about this in the Bible: the woman Jael goes to bed with enemy Sisera. After the deed he falls asleep like a log and she drills a tent peg through his temples. Enemy vanquished.”
D* (62) wrote to us about a relationship she had as a young girl with a “sentient artist.” “After he had ejaculated on his own, he spoke, without taking any further action, the immortal words: You have a good time!”
In one of the previous episodes, a man suggested that men raised by feminist mothers should pay more attention to their female bed partners. A man of almost sixty*, raised by a ‘quite feminist mother and a father who is structurally absent from education’, agrees. “I clearly got the message that ‘men only want one thing’ and implicitly that I should not become such a man. In addition, it was considered important that I did my share in the household and learned to cook.” This has made him, he wrote, “a feminine care taker.” “And I notice that in bed too. I am so focused on the pleasure of the other that I do not dare to choose for myself and ‘go for it’. That should also be possible, right? I’ve had a partner come three times and I didn’t come once.” But also for women ‘sweet, caring and empathetic’ is not always an advantage, he knows. “Then at some point nothing will happen in bed.”
Patience and good technique
J*, just sixty, has slept with quite a few men since her divorce a few years ago. “All but one of the men were eager for my orgasm: I had to and I would come before they started it themselves. They all showed great patience and often good technique. Their determination did not diminish when I told them that cumming the first times with a new partner is not that important to me and also quite impossible – I can only do that when I know someone better and trust more. Frankly, I found their well-intentioned toil quite tiring and regularly pretended I came to get rid of it.”
W* (45) sometimes feels burdened by the fact that she needs long “oral services” to come. “And that feeling also gets in the way of an orgasm.”
Finally, a comment from L*: „It strikes me that only heterosexuals speak on this subject. Is that for a reason or is there going to be another piece about the orgasm in female-female relationships?” Gay women, speak up.
* Name omitted on request, but known to editors.
A version of this article also appeared in NRC Handelsblad of 23 October 2021
A version of this article also appeared in NRC in the morning of October 23, 2021
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