Replaying in our mind a conversation we have had with someone, whether it be a few phrases, expressions or even a single word, is a much more common habit than it seems. Replaying a dialogue endlessly in our head is, in reality, an interpretation of the subject and, therefore, is not 100% true to reality, but rather an attempt to dissect each verb, each gesture and try to scrutinize all the nuances of a past interaction in a ruminative cycle full of analysis and reflection. “When our mind tends to reproduce a conversation, it has to do with not having been able to express what we feel and that, through the imaginary representation of the interaction, we seek the formula to resolve what has remained unfinished,” says Lucía Fernández Pastor, director of the psychology center in Madrid. Your mind.
“In principle, reproducing words already expressed between two people helps us to better understand a situation, to review our attitude and that of the other person, to draw new conclusions, to control the emotions generated, and to interpret what the other person might think of us,” says Sonia Castro, a clinical psychologist and member of the European Institute of Positive Psychology. (IEPP)According to this expert, the evaluation of situations that we make through our internal dialogue can be positive, if it is rational, or negative, if it is irrational. “When there is a high level of worry that we do not know how to manage properly, mental rumination appears, which consists of not stopping thinking and automatically reproducing certain phrases or events in the mind, as if it were mental background noise, a scratched record that does not stop,” she continues.
Although the DSM-5 (American Psychiatric Association textbook) does not include mental rumination as a disorder, but it does consider obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) as a complication derived from constant mental rumination characterized by recurrent, persistent, unwanted and intrusive thoughts, impulses or images or by repetitive behaviors or mental acts. “The rumination of conversations in our mind usually corresponds to emotions such as rage, anger, frustration, as well as desires, which can be perfectly conscious,” adds Lucía Fernández. Emotions that can become repressed and even become chronic. “In clinical psychology we call it obsessive thinking, but if it becomes serious it is OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder),” explains Sonia Castro.
In fact, a study published in January of this year in the scientific journal Sciencedirect and carried out by psychologists and psychiatrists called Cognitive-behavioral therapy focused on rumination, concludes how constant mental reviewing intensifies feelings of anxiety, insecurity and guilt. The research also analyses how interpersonal relationships can be strained by the individual focusing on themselves instead of fully connecting with the other in the present moment, as repetition in the mind actually becomes an obstacle to authentic connection and emotional closeness.
Two big reasons why we replay conversations in our heads
Lucía Fernández Pastor highlights how unresolved emotions or unspoken words provoke imaginary conversations, in which we can conclude and thus not suffer, for example, a relationship that has ended badly, whether it is friendship or love, and, precisely, to “trick” our brain and avoid unwanted feelings. “Human beings are programmed to seek resolution and understanding, especially in social interactions. Thus, when a conversation leaves us with an unresolved feeling, we instinctively repeat it, we can fall into rumination,” adds Sonia Castro.
For Lucía Fernández, this is one of the main reasons why we repeat some interaction with someone over and over again. “People can go back on their word and change their mind, but the goal is to be able to find a balance in relationships from a place of self-care and protection with oneself as well as emotional responsibility and care for others, incorporating the idea that healthy relationships involve uncomfortable conversations, and that they are necessary to manage the discomfort we may feel,” adds this expert.
On the other hand, the other reason that leads people to overthink situations or conversations is the fear of social rejection. “Many people, driven by the desire for social approval, worry excessively about possible misunderstandings or negative judgments from others. Consequently, the fear of social disapproval can lead to greater vigilance during conversations, leading people to examine interactions for any sign of criticism or discontent,” says Sonia Castro.
How to control repetitive thoughts
Repeating conversations comes from thoughts that can be ruminative and even intrusive. “These two types of thoughts can vary greatly from one person to another in content, but they have in common the reason why they are generated. They are really a strategy that the mind uses to manage the distressing, depressed or anxious state of mind it is in,” says Silvia Dal Ben, clinical psychologist at Unobravo.
Thus, for the psychologist, when these thoughts begin, the most important thing is to first recognize them and ask for help, sharing what affects us mentally with someone close. “Negative or unproductive thought patterns, such as self-criticism or catastrophic vision, must be questioned and observed, questioning their veracity and considering alternative perspectives,” she adds.
One of the most effective strategies is to keep a diary of reflection on conversations. “Writing down key points and information obtained helps to follow patterns in interactions, identifying areas for improvement,” explains Sonia Castro. Ultimately, and according to Castro, although repeating phrases and dialogues in your head may seem harmless and useful, in reality it is a gateway that often leads to overthinking, ruminating and making it a habit. “In the end, in the long run, it harms relationships. But, if we recognize the underlying motivations behind this tendency, we can free ourselves from the cycle of repetitive rumination and live in the present with confidence,” she concludes.
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