Saturday Essay I wondered why a successful woman lets a man submit to herself until she breaks down – Lena Bivner’s story provides the answer

The great love of Swedish Lena Bivner gradually turned into humiliation and tyranny. Eventually, she had taken on a role where her only job was to serve her husband and carry out her whims.

Peter refused to let go. He rushed me back and forth. And it wasn’t enough either, but it twisted me around another half turn to show me all the bad start and root – the kettle.

“It doesn’t have to look like this here! Do not you understand? It’s nothing new to you, we had a deal, ”he hocked.

The text above is Lena Bivnerin from the book Hell I called love (Finnish) Heidi Lehto). An algorithm had picked it up for me to listen to. On an emotional level, the occasional acquaintance then turned out to be stormy. As the book progressed, I even felt anger at a man called Peter.

At times, I also felt angry at the author of the book.

Why doesn’t it defend itself?

Why doesn’t it leave?

What’s wrong with that?

I knowthat books on narcissism and unhealthy relationships have appeared at a rapid pace in recent years, but this was my first. In it, Bivner talks about his five years with a man who breaks him piece by piece.

The beginning of a relationship is a happy time, as I often have with men prone to narcissism. Peter is a tall and slender man with a warm look in his brown eyes. There is a lot of sex and it is good.

Bivner’s friends congratulate him, and Bivner believes the auvon will continue indefinitely.

Then comes the first distortion, the rumble. Suddenly, Peter’s expression darkens. He starts blaming the woman for something this one doesn’t understand.

“Something had happened again, even though nothing had happened,” Bivner describes the situation.

Something had happened, even though nothing had happened.

Such a person violates a person.

This After similar events come up daily. Any wrong word or mistake can cause a man to cry. From the lovely Peter, a tyrannical man, a nagging wife, and a defiant child all emerge in the same package.

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Soon Bivner learns to obey even the most insane commands of a man. She learns not to read a newspaper at the breakfast table while on vacation. Do not leave the kettle on the sink.

And under no circumstances should saffron be forgotten in the trade.

Along with small demands come great sacrifices. Soon Bivner realizes he can’t meet his friends because of the man’s jealousy attacks.

“I don’t see any contradiction in being able to be in a relationship and still meet friends,” he tries to convince.

In vain.

Gradually abnormal becomes normal. Bivner learns to read the characters. He realizes in the blink of an eye when Peter’s gaze darkens or his body petrifies.

Everything is done according to the unpredictable mind of a man who considers himself superior. At no point does Peter himself seem to be aware of his behavior.

“You’re not really going to be full. I don’t think I can compromise. Don’t fuck with the alphabet of compromises, ”Peter screams loudly and spits.

Often at night, Bivner feels Peter’s demanding finger on his shoulder blades.

This wants to talk.

It means an exhausting monologue.

About the situation of course, children also suffer. Both Bivner and Peter have two children from previous covenants, and Peter’s children seem to have already learned to remain silent.

Over time, Bivner’s children also learn to retreat and live in a state of constant uncertainty. In silence, they are ashamed of the man who flatters his mother, who apologizes over and over again.

And there will be no end to humiliation. When wet towels are not shaken properly, Bivner must show the man how to properly shake them. The instructions must also be repeated aloud.

And almost every day something has happened, even though nothing has happened.

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Long the backstage stays upright, but eventually other than the children see the real edge of things.

Bivner’s Therapist urges him to leave.

The few remaining friends urge him to leave.

And Bivner leaves, but then comes back like a beaten dog and an even tighter leash.

At that point, I recorded the curse already out loud.

Hellwhich I called love focuses on the story of Lena Bivner, but towards the end it expands to a more general level. Once the situation is resolved, Bivner visits Peter’s former female friends, and these confirm a finding of research on relationships involving mental violence.

There is no single type of victim, and almost anyone can drift into an unhealthy relationship. The women Bivner meets are good-looking, attractive and social people with good jobs and lots of friends.

It is also a myth that a tyrant would seek out women with low self-esteem as their victims. Some of them even want to break down a spiritually strong and successful person.

Believe it or not: the same could happen to you.

In Peter I was amazed at one thing. He doesn’t seem very smart, even though I had thought about the kind of powerful manipulation that required it.

Like others like him, Peter finds every weak point in his partner, and exploits them relentlessly. Her own behavior varies between mental torture and remorseful romantic performances, and she has no difficulty convincing her of her love.

The life of a couple can take on serene days, even weeks.

But as bad times return, Bivner finds his living space a little shrinking again.

Of course there is no point in getting angry at the victim, let alone blaming Bivner. Instead, it is difficult to feel understanding or pity for Peter. The book refers a few times to his difficult childhood, and no doubt inside the man, some wounded little boy shouts out his fear.

Still, my sympathy is tight.

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A bastard is a bastard, no matter how he would have experienced a loveless childhood.

Eventually Lena Bivner is in the state of being a victim of long-standing mental violence.

His faith in his own abilities is zero. He can’t plan anything because everything is up to the man’s changing mood, and he’s constantly on guard.

Life has one goal: to please a man.

Sex is no longer a pleasure either, but the daily act has become a burden. He still doesn’t dare refuse, even if he’s disgusted.

As he sleeps, he grits his teeth.

At last Bivner decides to send the question to a newspaper expert who answers his column to readers.

This is answered long and carefully. The core is this:

“The question you asked at the end ‘how could I end up here?’ is important in itself but secondary to your current situation. There is no time to waste. End that relationship and never return. Don’t be left to deal with his reactions. Nothing matters now other than waking up and leaving. Do not look behind. Run if you feel like it, but leave it to the man. Immediately.”

Bivnerin at the end of the book is a list of twenty that allows the reader to judge their own situation. Personally, I would like to summarize what I have read in one guide:

If you constantly feel that you and your partner are not subject to the same rules and obligations at all, you may want to stop the inevitable progress.

And walk away.

Without a backward glance.

Women’s Bus is for women and girls of all ages who have experienced or are concerned about violence. You can also contact us if you are worried about your loved one. womenlinja.fi, tel. 0800 02400.

Lena Bivner: Hell I called love (Helvetet jag kallade kärlek). Translator Heidi Lehto, reader Elina Saarela. Ordberoende förlag.

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