Opinion|Reader’s opinion
Raising children and taking care of them is one of the most important things in an adult’s life.
in Helsingin Sanomat the effects of parental separation on children have been studied recently. I am a father of three children. Two of them were born during my marriage and the youngest from my later cohabitation. All my children are now adults and living their lives on their own.
My separation from the marriage was based on my selfish desire to experience something better and to get new content in the life I found to be a little loveless. I didn’t show enough desire to improve my life at the time. I think my wife and I provided our children with a safe and fairly harmonious home. Our days in our comfortable apartment were predictable and very child-friendly.
It was a shock to my elementary school children when I moved out of the house and I did not prepare my children at all for our separation. I had visitation rights, and the children stayed with the mother. Later, I have discussed the divorce with my children. For them, it meant great trouble, especially when serious problems appeared in living with their mother. It was demanded that the children quickly become independent.
Like Matti Eskelinen (HS Opinion 16.10.) stated, the separation can have a debilitating effect on the child’s mental health and ability to form a stable relationship in adulthood. At least for my two oldest children, this is very true. Both live alone without a relationship or children.
Now that I’m old, when I look at pictures of my children when they were little, I feel great emotion and guilt because of my choices. I think I could very well have stayed married until my children were grown. Our life was actually good, but I ruined it.
When I’ve heard about parents of elementary school-aged children breaking up (as friends), I think that the hell don’t break up yet, you’ll have time later.
My child, born in my common-law relationship, was separated into joint custody. In this case, I think the separation had to be made, and I don’t regret it. I lived a life alone with my child, which for my part aimed at safety and predictability. Committing to parenting also brought me a whole new pleasure: it increased my attachment to my child enormously and was a great wealth. Life together wasn’t always a treat, but gratitude, doing things together and many nice trips abroad together surfaced.
Raising children and taking care of them is one of the most important things in an adult’s life. The old man’s experience is that nothing is more important.
Thoughts on fatherhood
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