How do you deal withYou often read stories about people who are sick themselves, but how do you actually deal with this as a partner, family member or friend? In this section, experts give practical tips. This week: Martha Wagteveld (48). Her partner Jasper has autism.
“I have read a lot of books about autism and relationships with people with autism, but they often give a negative image. And that doesn’t suit Jasper. He is very charming, sweet and attentive,” says Wagteveld, who has been together with her husband Jasper for nine years, and they have a son (5). According to Wagteveld, every person has a manual. With her husband, it was a slightly more extensive learning process to discover what works well. Wagteveld likes that the picture about autism has become more diverse lately and that society and the media realize that there is not one type of autist.
Jasper’s autism has an impact on their daily lives. “Jasper calls himself a flexible autist, but that’s only true when things go the way he planned. When one of his plans unexpectedly falls through, he gets a kind of short circuit. That sometimes causes irritation, so I have to be more flexible.” And where Wagteveld can sometimes be very emotional, Jasper is a bit cooler in expressing his emotions. “He has a lot of emotions, but he can park them better. I shouldn’t complain to him, he has little tolerance for that. He then wants to look for a solution.”
Everybody is different
When you are born with autism, your brain processes everything you see, hear, feel and smell in a different way. Annelies Spek is a clinical psychologist and head of the Autism Expertise Center and explains autism as follows: “We speak of autism when there is difficulty feeling and comforting other people, difficulty with non-verbal communication and eye contact, difficulty with making and maintaining friendships, language or motor skills, difficulty with changes, losing oneself in a particular interest and sensory hypersensitivities and undersensitivities. If someone meets five of these characteristics, then there is often talk of autism.”
It can help to discuss in advance where your limits are, make a weekly schedule and discuss how you divide his or her energy
“You can notice autism in your partner if he or she has difficulty with changes, is sensitive to stimuli, sound, light and touch, but also has a great need for clarity, structure and overview.” You may also notice that your partner wants to know everything in detail about a specific subject. “In addition, people with autism may have difficulty reading facial expressions, which can be annoying, especially if you are sad or angry, for example.”
Spek also finds it important to also mention the positive aspects of autism. „These people are often authentic and pure, can do well out of the box thinking, are conscientious and extra reliable.”
Immerse yourself in your partner
As a partner of you have to take into account that your spouse can become overloaded or react unusually to an event out of the blue. Spek emphasizes that every person with autism is different. “Get into your partner. It can help to discuss boundaries in advance, make a weekly schedule and discuss how you divide his or her energy. Sometimes this means that your partner will go to social events less.” It is also good to know that someone with autism needs time to recover after a moment of many stimuli.
It is a misconception that people with autism have no feeling
For partners of people with autism, it can sometimes feel lonely, because they lack the spontaneity or a hug at the right time. “People with autism feel that less well, but it is a misconception that they have no feeling, they have a lot of feeling.” Spek therefore gives the tip that as a partner you should clearly discuss your wishes and needs: “Indicate what you need.”
No relationship is perfect
Just like any other relationship, you have to keep working at it. “If, like Wagteveld, you need an extra listening ear, try to find support from a friend or someone else.” It can also help to talk to a professional with your partner or to contact fellow sufferers.
What does Wagteveld think of the advice? ,,By expressing clearly how I feel and indicating what I need, Jasper can connect with that. He wholeheartedly does that.”
More than 1 percent of the Dutch – approximately 190,000 people – has some form of autism. The NVA understands autism as the entire spectrum of autistic disorders such as ASD, HFA, Asperger’s, PDD-NOS and classic autism. Autism is more common in men.
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