Janna answers “My child does not take sides and always adapts to the will of others” – Child psychiatrist advises what to do if the child seems too kind

The article is part of a series of stories in which child psychiatrist Janna Rantala answers questions from readers. He writes his answers on a general level without knowing the reader’s situation in more detail.

Can a child be too kind? My 6-year-old has always been very flexible and adaptable, and just doesn’t demand things for himself. If he is denied something, he usually settles for it without mumbling, and he makes even small requests by politely asking. I don’t want him to grow into a self-fading and too compliant with the will of others. I wouldn’t mind a single grocery store driver! With friends, he likes his side, but can’t insist on it.

Child psychiatrist Janna Rantala corresponds to:

“I can’t help but say at first that some parents resent it after reading your question: You’d be happy – your child is behaving exactly as it should!

However, you are on the verge of something important: to what extent are kindness and flexibility behaviors that support development, and to what extent are they a threat to finding one’s will? What is the share of education?

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It is easy for a child to settle into adult authority when he or she feels safe.

Your child Flexibility and adaptability are likely to be in part innate characteristics of the result of temperament traits.

In part, this may be the way the child’s needs may have been met. It is easy for a child to take on the authority of an adult when he or she feels valued and safe. When a child knows experientially that he or she can trust an adult’s good will, there is no need for defiance and insult. The child can be flexible with confidence, without losing touch with their own wishes and needs.

A child raised through punishment and humiliation may be equally obedient and resilient, but an inner experience is “self-extinction” like the one you describe. Even a person who is doing well externally finds it difficult to achieve what he or she really wants, as well as give value to one’s own wishes. At that time, for example, you are exposed to all kinds of abuse or burnout.

The style of family interaction also has an effect. How do other family members tend to ask? How are denials or flexibility needs addressed?

When a child is denied, you can say, “I notice you want to, and I wish I could say yes, but now I have to say no.”

Apparently, however, the child has had a good time seeing the pattern of keeping their side as well as they do with the guys.

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Then you move on to the demanding point: the secret police.

Main the question is: does he himself suffer from his flexibility? You could take a spring project to find your will. At first, you talk about how he feels when you deny something. Experience can be expressed in words, by drawing, bodily. Second, you look at books, movies, or series where you want to meet or someone is flexible.

Then you move on to the demanding point: the secret police. You are secretly watching other children on a candy shelf: What does he want? How does an adult seem to feel about it? The findings are recorded on paper.

Can you catch the idea? Even if your child does not express the will strongly, this is how you concretely express to him that the will is important. Space is made for it in speech, in time and at home. It can be studied and observed, it can change and evolve. ”

The article is published in HS Our Family magazine issue 3/21. HS Our Family is a magazine focusing on parenting and families.

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