Is scolding a child bad for education?

A child he often indulges in so-called tantrums. He does what he shouldn’t, doesn’t do what he should and sometimes doesn’t listen at all. Over time this child disciplinary situation can make parents feel very frustrated and angry, however scolding them is harmful and traumatic

How useful can scolding a child be?

THE parents they want to discourage the repetition of bad things, which is why they often respond with reproaches or disapproval. Sometimes they lose their temper and vent their frustrations verbally on their children. The supposed benefit we get from scolding a child is that the child will learn the lesson and refrain from behaving that way in the future.

The logic is that the child will think: “The last time I did something like this I received a very unpleasant reprimand. I don’t want to experience that again, so I’d better not engage in that behavior.

The problem is that very often the child has forgotten his previous reprimand by the time the next opportunity to misbehave arises, so the benefit is only speculative.

More importantly, even if a child remembers his previous scolding, the temptation to misbehave is often too great and outweighs the deterrent effect. Furthermore, a reprimand often shocks and frightens the child and he represses the memory of the entire experience, thus preventing that memory from ever serving as a deterrent.

And if he remembers and holds back, the benefit is outweighed by the damage the reproach causes to his self-esteem! The bottom line is that there is only a relatively small chance of gaining much through scolding.

On the other hand, what are the risks involved in scolding a child? The truth is that children are emotionally extremely fragile and sensitive, especially towards their parents’ attitudes. Reproaches and reproaches generate in them a stormy emotional reaction, which includes pain, fear, anger, humiliation, but above all shame.

Reprimands, especially violent ones, cause intense shame in the child. Shame, if experienced in more than small doses, is the queen of unhealthy emotions.

Chronic shame experienced in childhood creates many forms of emotional disorders, mental illnesses, and addictive behaviors later in life. Children tremble with fear, humiliation and shame when faced with an adult who scolds them.

They blame themselves for bad behavior and think, “I’m bad.” Think back to when you were a child and had problems at school or with your parents. How do you remember the feeling?

Is it worth feeling this way over some cookies that your child was asked not to eat? The truth is that most scolding is emotionally devastating for children. The risks far outweigh the benefits.

So what is the alternative to scolding? How can we correct our children’s behavior without causing emotional harm? The answer is that we need to call attention to their mistakes in a subtle and gentle way. Messages from parents to children are greatly amplified in children’s ears, so a light, subtle message, even a hint, is all it takes for them to get the idea.

Furthermore, the focus of communication must be away from the child personally. However, saying, “You did this,” “You did that,” “What’s wrong with you?” causes an intense shame reaction. Instead, use I statements and express your feelings, values, and expectations.

This will help the child understand the effects of his actions on others indirectly and without feeling attacked, criticized, humiliated or shamed. For example, express your feelings by saying, “It makes me angry when all the cookies get eaten. I am angry.” Express your values: “In our home we are respectful of others and follow the rules. Let’s listen to our parents.”

Many times, when a child misbehaves, parents respond with scolding because they have a feeling that the situation will spiral out of control and become intolerable or even lead to delinquency.

This is called catastrophism. Once you understand that most minor harms are within the scope of normal healthy behavior in children and are not a cause for alarm, these fears subside.

This is called reframing, that is, we reframe the behavior as not so bad and not requiring a harsh reprimand. Most parents might raise the bar a bit on how much harm they can safely tolerate.

Furthermore, children are often scolded for behaviors that are natural and normal to them and should be expected regularly. This makes children simply ashamed of their very existence as children. We don’t want them to feel this way. We must therefore tolerate many of their misdeeds with love and patience. We must learn to laugh at their mischievous escapades, to sigh and say, “These are boys.”

Parental anger management

Our children’s misbehavior can sometimes make us angry. They may misbehave frequently, and the resulting anger that we as parents feel should not necessarily be ignored or condemned, as it is sometimes a natural reaction. However, yelling at children or retaliating in some way always seems counterproductive and emotionally damaging to both parents and children. Plus, it often doesn’t seem to stop the behavior from happening again!

But how do we manage our feelings of anger? How do we discipline our children without harming their emotional health?

Fortunately, Haim Ginott, a famous psychologist of the 1960s, a pioneer in parental anger management, invented a very productive concept called “Anger Without Insult”. I summarized his work and my ideas and added clarifications.

Elsewhere in my blog I have talked about the importance of accepting, acknowledging and validating all children’s feelings, even the negative ones. However, parents are people too and their feelings need to be accepted for their emotional health too! This is done through anger without insult. When a child makes a parent angry, the parent can describe and express his or her anger to the child, but without attacking, insulting, humiliating, or reacting aggressively.

Instead of saying, “What’s wrong with you! How could you leave such a mess! You’re a mess, clean it up now!” who criticizes, insults and commands, you could say emphatically: “When I come home and see this mess I get furious! I’m boiling! In our home we are respectful of others and keep things clean. The broom is over there.”

We can easily feel the difference! The latter, which is more appropriate, simply describes your feelings, states your values, and provides information on how to remedy the situation, without insulting, criticizing, or giving orders. This informs the child that your feelings exist and deserve respect, that there are standards we should strive to maintain.

The first expresses our anger in aggressive verbal or physical actions or attacks. This is almost always harmful to both the parent and the child. So there is a clear difference between feeling, validating, and even communicating our anger on the one hand, which is better, and manifesting anger in aggressive verbal or physical actions or attacks on the other, which is almost always more harmful.

Keep in mind that the absolute ideal way to deal with parental anger may be to control it, if possible, and avoid burdening the child with his or her parents’ emotional needs. However, if you simply cannot control your anger and it can erupt in an aggressive and harmful way, this method of anger without insult is much preferable.

Declaring what our values ​​are inspires children to conform because it gives them our vote of confidence that they will rise to the occasion and behave appropriately.

Instead of threatening, “Don’t you dare talk to me like that!” say: “In our family we speak to each other with respect”. This gives the child the opportunity to rise and behave better on his own initiative. Instead of ordering, “Don’t ever talk to me like that again,” which makes the child feel controlled and commanded, express your expectations: “I expect you to tell me politely when something is bothering you.”

This avoids direct commands and allows the child to act on self-determination, making them feel empowered and therefore more likely to obey. Instead of throwing criticism, like, “I’m sick of your mouth,” express your feelings, like, “It makes me angry when they talk to me like that. It even makes me angry. I feel like I’m going to explode!”

This provides the child with objective information about the effects of his actions, without attacking his character or attacking him personally. It leaves his self-respect intact and allows him an opening to improve.

Generally, when expressing anger, avoid using “You,” as in “Why are you acting that way,” “You’re such a nuisance,” “You’re driving me crazy.” Instead, he talks more about your feelings by saying “I,” as in “I get so angry when you do this” and “I need help here” and “I expect you to treat your brother with respect.” This prevents the child from feeling personally attacked and focuses on the objective information needed to solve the problem.

Additionally, expressing your angry feelings so that they can be heard and understood by your child will give you a lot of relief and resolution, allowing you to calm down more easily.

There is another technique to defuse parental anger, called “reframing”. When a child misbehaves or is disrespectful, parents sometimes “catastrophize,” that is, lose control, fearing that the behavior will lead to an intolerable or shameful situation, anarchy or delinquency.
This fear causes a very angry reaction in an attempt to make that fear come true. However, we can remedy this by reframing the behavior as if it were within the scope of normality and there was no real cause for alarm.

Some degree of misbehavior in children is normal, healthy, and acceptable and is not a sign of eventual disaster. Ninety percent of bad behavior falls within this safe range, and this awareness reduces our fear and drives away our anger.

Most of the time we can just sigh and say, “Kids will be kids.” We can learn to laugh at their mischievous escapades, relax, and deal with them calmly. Happily tolerating a certain degree of misbehavior and disorder is one of the key skills of parenting.

Remember, most bad behavior is caused by a low level of happiness in the child, and by injecting happiness into the child’s day and satisfying his or her emotional needs, we can prevent most bad behavior and the resulting angry reaction. Wake up with the mantra: “How can I make my child’s day enjoyable?” and you can nip many problems in the bud.